telling my story here first before face to face with counsellor

Maggie_Mae · ‎22-07-2016

Hi all, I've struggles with deppression on and off most of my life. My life looks great from the outside and is pretty good amazing husband and beautiful children. I have spent so much time forgetting my past and seemed successful till resently when it all came rushing back to my memory. After several attempts of talking to a GP, I have done it and booked counsellor appiontment. I am scaried for the first time telling my story to be face to face so venting here first. Hope that's okay.

i apologies as it may not be coherent.just need to get it out of my head

Great childhood, loving parents life was good till one day in high school what seemed like a normal day changed in a split second. He pushed me up against the brick wall And my life changed forever, I was to scaried to speak up, grades dropped a teacher ask why I tried to explain I could see the frustration in her face and was told to speak to the counsellor if I have issues, he was less than helpful saying boys will be boys. I never talked about it again even though it continues for 2years. I turned to self harm and it seemed to help. I am not sure how or when but somewhere along the way i was able to live life and 'forget'.

faat forward 10 yrd and life was good I was pregnant with my second child I went for on appointment and was rushed to hospital as my baby was In danger he was born few hours later. I remember looking at the doctors rushing around with all types of equipment and feeling like a failure as a mother for not protecting my child. Since then I have been living the days struggling with depression on and off till a few months back j decided to see a GP. I become so scaried to say out loud I need help I lied and ended up sitting in my car wanting to self harm once again. Which throw me straight back to the days of needing self harm to survive the pain.

Forgetting the past didn't work so now it's time to deal with it. Thanks so much for reading sorey it was so long.

james1 · ‎23-07-2016

Hi Maggie,

You've had a really difficult past so it is no wonder you tried to forget it. Unfortunately, our past always finds a way to come back and it is really great that you've taken the brave step to face it.

i fell back into depression this time round for the exact same reason: something reminded me of my past which I had been burying. When i went to talk to a psychologist, i got really nervous which you might be feeling now and telling the story before you go in is really helpful, even just to help synthesise it a bit.

You probably know this already and I don't want to scare you, but it will be difficult bringing up your past. I felt like having to do that just broke me at a time when I was already vulnerable. But it's been necessary if I want to get better because we can't keep running from our past.

So I really really applaud you for doing what is actually one of the hardest things to do - facing something you fear so much, that you wiped it from your memory. And please, i know how hard it can be, so if you ever feel like reaching out, we're here to listen and support you!

James

Maggie_Mae · ‎24-07-2016

Thanks for taking the time to read my post James. I am incredible nervous to actually tell my story out loud. I am sure as you stated above it will most likely break me down more. But as much as I want to bury it again and forget for the next 10yrs I know it's not doing me any good.

White_Rose · ‎24-07-2016

Dear Maggie

Hello and welcome. We are so honoured that you have trusted us with your story. Thank you. It must have been difficult to write in here. Like James, I want to say it will be a little difficult to start talking to your counsellor and again like James I don't want to put you off going.

You have been so brave so far I am sure you will start your journey to wellness knowing the hard part is starting. The rest will fall into place as you progress.

It's a sad story and unfortunately too familiar to many of the people who write in here.

When you have been traumatised, as you have been, it is difficult to believe you are worthwhile. It seems that everything that goes wrong is your fault. This is not true. The person who hurt you wanted you to believe this, it's the way they behave. You have told us of your amazing husband and beautiful children. So hold on to the thought that you also are a beautiful person who will find healing.

These journeys are not easy so remember to tell your husband when you need help and comfort. I presume he is aware of the past and is encouraging you to move forward. It will be hard for him but much harder if you do not confide in him and let him help you. So many people feel they should not 'burden' their partner. It's not a burden.

I must admit to having a little weep as I read your post. It makes me angry that one person can so carelessly and selfishly damage another because he is bigger and stronger. So stay strong and keep writing here. There is always someone to respond and I will look out for your posts.

Mary

james1 · ‎24-07-2016

Hi Maggie,

Mary makes a good point - your husband will absolutely be able to help you through this difficult journey, and if he's aware, he will absolutely want to help, even if he doesn't know how.

Your forum title under your name says "Rising star". I think that totally suits where you are now! Stay strong - you're doing the right thing, you deserve to find your healing and you will rise from this!

James

Maggie_Mae · ‎24-07-2016

Thanks so much James and Mary I need to read your post tonight. I dont feel brave, I fact it's more terrified.

Ive never had a good experience with counsellor etc in the past so hopefully this goes better. It took a few failed attempts at GP to get this far.

My husband is the most amazing supportive man I know and wants to help in any way possible. I am very lucky to have him. I never really told him as I had blocked so much of it out till a couple months back where it came rushing back to my memory like being hit with a freight train.

Thanks again for your kind and supportive words

james1 · ‎25-07-2016

Thanks for your reply Maggie. I'd love to hear how your session goes if you do want to talk about it.

James

White_Rose · ‎25-07-2016

Hello Maggie

Thanks for your reply. Being brave doesn't mean going out and fighting dragons. It means continuing to move forward despite the difficulties and despite your fears. We all want to live life in happiness and when things go wrong the first instinct is to want to run away. I know that's how I feel. Coming back and facing what sometimes feels like an impossible task is where the bravery comes in.

GP and counsellors are alike in that it sometimes takes a while to find someone you can work with. Are you going to see a psychologist? I hope so. Like James, I hope you can talk about the meeting with us. Things like, if you were comfortable and did it help you.

Mary

Maggie_Mae · ‎31-07-2016

Hi Mary and James, just a quick update.

so I went on Wednesday. i know you both told me it would be hard, but I think I underestimated just how hard. The lady was nice enough but actually getting the words to leave my mouth just didn't happen quite how I wanted. I wasn't making much sense ( much like now)I left feeling a lot worse than going in.I almost feel embarrassed to go back.

White_Rose · ‎31-07-2016

Hello Maggie

I can relate to your story. Nice enough person but not filling you with joy. A few months ago I went to a psychiatrist and was not happy about going. Last week she told me how I appeared for the first few sessions. She was afraid that if she said just one word wrong I would walk out. Also reminded me of how I change the subject if it got too uncomfortable and how irritable I had been. Whoops! Actually I was pleased she told me. I hate the feeling that something is being kept back so I asked her to always speak her mind. Got on better.

A trick I find when when I am unable to articulate with anything like clarity is to write down the main points of what I want to say. Topic heading then dot points underneath. If you really get tongue-tied then give the notes to the psych. It's an oldy but goody.

If everyone stop seeing their counsellors of any description because they were embarrassed, the counsellors would be out of business. It is hard to speak about painful topics. We can rehearse them in our minds but invariably they come out differently. That's one reason for writing down your thoughts. You can correct them or rephrase before you need to say anything.

Psychs are used to people being a little incoherent and it's their job to put you at ease enough to be open with them. I remember once interviewing a girl for job. She was so nervous she started to shake and like you could hardly speak. So my colleague and I had to calm and reassure her before we could go any further. She got the job. So please return for your next appointment.

Mary