Success, self-esteem and depression

[coco123]

I should say that I'm quite lucky in some ways. I come from a very poor background, non-english speaking family. Imagine how much a trash bin collector get to raise 4 kids? Because of that I think I work very hard in my studies, hoping to change my family life. I managed to get full scholarships to go to Uni overseas for my Bachelors degree, Masters and recently PhD in a science field. I just  started working at a research institute. However, I realised something is not quite right with me since I was in high school. I have cycles of highs and lows, in a space of few months time. When I'm at my lowest, I get bad headache, I feel anxious and tired all day, I can't focus. I even cried quitely next to my husband just to fall asleep. Once in a while I felt like I want to end this suffering, but I can't. I don't know how. I'm scared of needle let alone extreme pain. I blame my low self-esteem and my constant self-criticism, self-doubt for this problem. I'm sick of this. This has been going on for too long, 15 years.  I need a way out. Can someone suggest me how to stay successful in life without depression? Please.

[geoff]

dear Coco, well that's the million dollar question, 'how to stay successful in life without depression'.

The trouble with this is nobody knows whether or not they are going to have depression, today or in the future.

You seem to be an outstanding student, but it seems as though anxiety is causing you to have trouble, and then you develop low self-esteem which then leads onto self criticism, and 15 years is far too long.

Are you adverse to having medication to try and control these feelings, because a doctor would be able to help you with this. Please let us know. L Geoff. x

[lostllama]

Hi Coco, remember that some of the most talented and intelligent people in the world have suffered from depression. Being successful does not immunise you to ups and downs. Remember to be proud of your achievements. It is wonderful that you have achieved so much, despite your depression! When you feel sad, is it about particular things, or just about life in general?

[coco123]

Thank you geoff and lostllama for the replies.

I went to see psychologists several times when I was at Uni. I also talked to a psychiatrist once and she offered me a medication. I refuse to take it. I know there's something wrong with me but I don't think I am seriously sick. I have heard some news about some people end their lives after changing to new medications. That scares me a bit. I don't want to be too dependent on the drugs/medications.

I generally can stand minor criticisms or small problems. It never rains but it pours...that's when things give me headache and I start to dislike my life. Many times I wish I hadn't been born. Some people may call me a rebel. I dislike the religion I have been brought up with. I don't like when people tell me what to do, what to wear, what to say. I don't like it when people belittle me because I'm different, call me dumb, call me fat when I'm actually size XS. Is it me or is it them who is telling nonsense? I don't like arguments either, I prefer to walk away. I have a couple of good friends but in general, I stay distant to most people. I just can't stand gossip, backstabbers and cheats. You only know the true them when it's too late. I'm not a perfectionist. I'm happy with anything slightly above average. Anything lower than that is a disaster. I'm normal, right? It's probably my inability to accept that things are not always black and white......makes me to dislike my life, myself.

[geoff]

dear Coco, thanks.

Is it possible that you take the medication in a small dosage so that your body can accept it without any side effects. 

I understand what you have said, and all the other comments you have made, well there's nothing wrong with them.

People often tell me to get out of my trackies, but I like them, they are changed and washed, and for some reason I wear black as seen in my photo, where I have numerous amounts of them.

Sometimes I wear a different colour and people say whow.

Getting back to what you have said, there's nothing wrong with that, it's better than someone who always picks an argument, and gossip well it can be good, but as long as it's way out content.

I would be your friend no worries. L Geoff. x

[MelbourneG]

Two points i'd like to share with you.

First... Yes, the smartest people and high-achieves can suffer from low self-esteem. When It happens, it can dig deep like the way you've mentioned. 

If self-talk plays a part in your self-esteem, and not just lapses in mood and feelings, to how you feel - then I'd like to share with you a little tip I took from a workshop recently.

That is, 85% of what goes through our mind is just a story. We are smart as humans except sometimes attending to the simple things. Such as giving our minds a break or distinguishing how our thoughts can effect our feelings, responses and motivation. Does this make sense?

If this does make sense, then this might help you with any tools and a game plan in how to better cope the next time you find warning bells or you sink into a situation.

Second... Don't discount seeing a psychiatrist. I used to be steadfast against it, until I realized that "what I think and believe as might be best" may not actually be correct. The human body is 90% chemical. Sometimes we need to balance out any chemical short-circuits. When I decided to reconsider taking medication, it was on the proviso that I would be able to ween off it within 12-months. 

These tips are a bit of trial and error - because we are all different - but you sound like a person that is pro-active and progressive. I am sure you'll find a plan that works well for you... 15 years, whilst may seem a lot, is not the be-all and end-all. Things may never be perfect but I am sure you'll find a way to make coping mechanisms improve that works best for you.