Stuck

[girl_interrupted]

My life would appear to be fairly simple. Live alone, have two pets, work full time, study part time. Have the same ups and downs as most people. But I struggle daily with the mood swings, the feelings of hopelessness and despair, the self-loathing. I feel like the world around me has moved forward and I'm still sitting in this time warp wondering what the hell happened. I used to have close friends and a social life. But I ruined all that. Now all I look forward to is Netflix and study to keep my mind busy. Days off are the worst. I get so morbidly depressed and I have no motivation to do anything. It's a massive challenge just to get out of bed. I've become so bitter and hateful of everything. I hate seeing happy couples, knowing this will never be me. I have no one. I often wonder if it's just my personality and I should stop trying to fight it. Maybe I'm not meant to try and fit in. But my job requires it. Society demands it. I'm so socially withdrawn I am too scared to join a club and when I have tried in the past, I end up dropping out for fear of being judged. I hate people staring at me and judging me. I blush a lot, which is both humiliating and counter-productive, an ongoing cycle. I work in a very busy environment with lots of people. They all judge me and mock me. I have made no friends because of my anger outbursts and mood swings and my introverted personality. I just don't gel with people and am always lost for words and awkward. Despite making consistent efforts to improve, I can't change how people feel about me. I shouldn't care, but it's a team-based environment and I need positive feedback to progress thru my career. Being the outsider is neither productive nor helpful for anyone. Sometimes I think I should give everything up, start over. This is probably the most boring invalid post. That's who I am now. Boring. Invalid. Lifeless. Stuck.

[SourceShield]

Hey!

WOW - it actually sounds like we could be twins.

I too am rather misanthropic...I have a love-HATE relationship with the human race as well.

For various reasons.

I think many of us do.

Even though I am tanned skin, I blush ridiculously when I know that people are looking at me...and yet, I can also be incredibly confident too.

Introvert - TICK - I have HFA, the autism can be a bit much for people to cope with!

I flip out at times, when I really dont mean to.

I push people away, when I really need support, care and comfort...its all rather twisted.

My best friend is my wolfhound.

Bless...he is a trouper to live with me for the last 12yrs!

Couples doing their coupley thing used to make me sick too...my partner was killed in a bar fight.

One punch CAN kill.

He didnt even see it coming.

That still hurts.

I miss him.

Everyday.

We're all going through stuff, right?

Except, I dont watch NetFlix...I use 123movies, and I am hooked on many of the shows that I can watch.

What are your faves?

Have you spoken to a 'professional' about any of this yet?

BeyondBlue have a number that you can call, as well.

May be worth it, maybe?

You definitely arent boring...intriguing, perhaps, in that...

...you may think this dumb but...

...you and I probably have a lot in common, and yet we spend so much our time believing that we are alone in this world.

So twisted.

But, You really arent alone.

Thanks for expressing how it is for you.

We are here for you.

I do believe in you.

Stay in touch.

MuchLove

[MarkJT]

Girl_Interrupted, you want some positive feedback? That is an outstanding post by a woman who is full of courage and self awareness. If society had as much courage as what you have then so many more people would put their hands up for help when it comes to mental health. What you have explained is touching and I can guarantee you that you are not alone in your journey.

You are showing symptoms of depression. Have you been to the GP to discuss this? If not, I would really encourage you to do this and seek some assistance. There is NO shame in doing this. GP's are GP's for a reason. They want to help people - this is what they do so if you do go, make sure you open up and tell them everything so that can make a good proper assessment of where you are at.

The GP may refer to you to a psych and that is perfectly okay. I think i am up to around the 200 mark in visits to the psych now and enjoy them. I get to ask all kinds of questions and i get answers. I get told what i need to work on and explain how i am going with things i have been working on. It is making a better me.

The GP or the psych may talk about medication and this is also completely fine. If someone has heart issues, they are put on blood thinners and no one blinks an eye. This is the same with mental health medication. I am on them and i am okay with that. I am okay that i will most likely be on them for the rest of my life. So be it.

I get the feeling that before all this set in, you were a very energetic person. Trust me when i say that you can get back to being that person. Get yourself right by getting some advice from an expert and then it is onwards and upwards for you.

Great post and welcome to the forums. A very protective and supportive environment that you will never ever be judged.

Hope to hear from you again and see how you are going.

Mark.

[girl_interrupted]

Thank you for your reply. I found it so uplifting reading your post. I know there are many others, much worse off than myself. But you may know, in the throws of depression it's hard to see or think clearly.. I am so sorry to hear about your bf. How difficult it must have been for you to go through that. I'm so glad I have reconnected with this forum. Sometimes I found it overwhelmingly negative, despite all the positive feedback and at times I need to refocus on other things to try and lift my mood. As for help, yes I have bipolar type II although only recently diagnosed. I have seen many counselors and tried lots of different things. I take a regular dose of meds to help stabolize my moods and help me sleep. I am considering therapy again, but it's so expensive and it takes so long for me to open up and build a relationship with a therapist that I wonder if it's worth it. I've learnt some valuable skills along the way. Obviously I still need help. These forums do help. It's nice to know there are others who are supportive and understand what it's like. Thank you for listening.

[SourceShield]

Hey!

You're welcome.

Anytime.

I'm glad that you were uplifted by what I wrote.

Thank you for your kind words re: bf.

It was tough but I know now that I am stronger than the grief.

We all are stronger than we think we are!

Stay in touch.

MuchLove

Mr Shield!

[girl_interrupted]

Thank you Mark. I really do appreciate your kind words and support. I have seen many psychs and thankfully was diagnosed a short time ago with bipolar type II. I have had anxiety and depression for a long time (over 20 years) and have tried many different medications etc. I think what I'm taking now is working as I am more stable than previous months/years. I do miss the high feeling I often used to get and I wonder if it's getting older, or a combination of things that have lead to my lack of motivation and no zest for life. It's like nothing excites me anymore and I have no interest in anything. I struggle with doing everything on my own but somehow manage to get through it. My problems are microscopic compared to many others on here. But they are still very real for me. I might consider trying therapy again, but I seem to hit a wall after a certain point. My previous psych was very good, but I just felt we weren't getting anywhere after about a year of therapy. We did lots of mindfulness which was really helpful, but it started to feel like she wasn't all that interested in me getting better (or perhaps that was just my state of mind at the time). So I stopped seeing her. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Thanks again for your support. It's good to know I can vent here without being judged.

[MarkJT]

GI, you're welcome and you have told yourself this shortly after saying it but please do not ever lesson your own problems compared to others. They are big for you and that is all that matters. There is always someone worse off than ourselves but it is us that we need to concentrate on which I know you will do.

Yes feeling alone is a natural byproduct of mental health problems but you are not alone as you can see by Source Shield's post. Check out the positivity in his post, despite what he has been through which is horrific, he has now got to a point where his messages are so on point, it is incredible. (By the way - super awesome work mate - much respect for bouncing back the way you have).

Yes you may have hit a point where you were not getting anything more out of the psych. I once did that so i got a new one who challenged me more. That is my radar for a psych, if they are not challenging my thoughts, then it is time to get a new one.

Great to hear that the newish meds are apparently working better than previous ones.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are going. I have full confidence that you are on the right track!!

Mark.

[Ellu]

Dear girl_interrupted,

Are you getting any professional help? Seeing a psychologist makes an incredible difference to the way you relate to the world. It probably seems impossible to you, but by talking things over with a professional you can make profound changes to your life and receive help with all your many difficulties. Try it, what have you got to lose? Also I wanted to say something to you about the future. I had my first episode of bi-polar disorder when I was 15, and it dogged me all through my university and early work years. I can empathise with what you are going through now. I just wanted to say that I am now 63 years old, and married with 4 children in their 20's. Despite mental issues it is possible to have a productive and constructive life. I am living proof. So hang in there, get some professional help and one day you will be 63 and in a good place. Trust me, I've been there and managed to get through.

Ellu

[girl_interrupted]

Thank you Ellu,

Yes I have sort help and I probably need to find another counselor, as frustrating as it is going through everything again. Such an expensive and time consuming ordeal, but I guess if I find a good one it will be worth it.

[girl_interrupted]

Thank you Mark