Struggling with the day to day realisation of my health

[Billy-Mae]

Hi Guys,

I am new here and i guess i joined because until 6 months ago i thought i had all the support i ever needed, until i actually asked for it and struggling on my own hasn't been working so i hope this helps.

3 years ago i was told i had a serious hear condition which caused my to faint up to 21 times a day, this was brought on by stress. I will stress, worry about everything and everyone. I try and make sure they are ok, taken care of, looked after at all times. I have dealt with this medical issue and i thought i was on the mend until 6 months ago when i was told i can't have children due to the damage i have caused my heart over the years i just won't be strong enough to pump blood for me and a baby. There is an 85% chance i will die if i fall pregnant. I have been in a hole ever since. My friends have all left because i don't pay them enough attention anymore and i can't tell my family it would kill them so its just me alone stressing (ironically) about the future. I am only 24 years old and didnt want children yet but it was like a switch, the moment i heard that news come out of the doctors mouth that was it and i am so tired. I am tired of crying, of being alone, not wanting to wake up in the morning because i know my dreams are much better than my actual life. I never knew you could miss something i never had. I don't know if i should even be this upset sometimes i think there are people out there much worse off than me but i don't know how to shake this, i lay at home alone every night realising that the one thing i have always wanted was to be a mum and now i can't do that and its my fault. I don't know what to do i haven't slept in 6 months and i barley eat now. I think being alone is the hardest thing of all with no one to talk to or make sure i am ok. What can i do to get out of this hole i am in? X

[pipsy]

Hi Billy-Mae. Being told you will never have children would've been devastating. It's one thing to have the choice of when, but when there is no choice, it's harder because every woman wants children at some stage. Having a heart condition is not your fault, it is a medical fact. Is there someone you can reach out to? Have you asked your Dr for a referral to a grief counselor. You need to be able to grieve for the loss you feel so deeply. I would also suggest you look at maybe fostering a child, or perhaps working in day care. This way, it would mean you have contact with children and this would give you some comfort. Children of working mum's also would benefit by you being willing to take care of them. Are you married, or with someone who understands your intense grief. I'm not suggesting you start working with or taking care of children now, I feel your first need is to grieve and seeing a counselor who specializes in your area of grief would be better. It's important you talk to someone who understands your grief and why you are grieving. Ask your Dr to refer you, also ask about short term AD's to help with the depression you have. If you are unsure about how to find a grief counselor we have counselors here at BB who would be able to suggest where to start looking. Also should you need to just talk, we're here to listen and give some comfort and support.

Lynda

[Billy-Mae]

Hi Lynda,

Thank you for your kind words, it means more than you know. I do have a partner and he is supportive but, and i know this sounds awful but he keeps saying all the right things when all i want to do is scream. When i get down which is often these days he can't understand. He knows we could have children another way but for me not to carry my own or even have my own children is something i never thought i would have to give up on. Its not easy but i love him and the fact that he still loves me and wants to be with me after all this.

I have spoken to my doctor and I was referred to a counsellor but I don't know if it is me or we just didn't click but i could speak to her openly, i felt like there was judgement and i just left there feeling more alone, upset and embarrassed.

I know i would have support if i spoke to my mum but telling her this is something i never want to do, and while i am struggling i don't know if i am strong enough to help her deal with this as well.

Thank you so much for your suggestions about foster care and working mums that is a great idea and i will look into it. I may help easy the pain, i don't know how it could get worse. Thank you again for replying it means so much to me it made my day just that little bit better so thank you.

Amanda

[pipsy]

Hi Billy-Mae. Unfortunately most men don't understand a women's basic maternal need. Men don't share the same need for children as women do. While a man may truly love his children, women love to nurture and protect. Men will protect their families - yes, but women almost become lioness like with their children. I have absolutely no doubt your hubby is supportive and trying to say the right things, but your maternal instinct is deep and he can't feel what you feel, therefore he has no idea why you are so cut up. I'm also sorry you didn't 'connect' with your counselor. May I ask what happened? If you are not able to share, that's okay. Perhaps you would feel happier talking to one of our counselors. Most of them have an understanding of the grief process and this may be beneficial. Please call if you need someone to talk to, listen, offer comfort. I hear and feel your pain.

Lynda