Struggling with feeling unlovable and worthless

[GreenEgg]

Has anyone experienced this, or are you? Is there anything you’ve found that’s actually helped, even if a little?

I’ve always struggled a bit with self esteem and avoiding things too. In high school I became very depressed for the first time and lost all my interests, and never really recovered.

I’m 30 now and I feel like a shell of a person, like I don’t have any strengths or ideas or value. I don’t really know who I am or what I want. I don’t feel happy, I just scrape by everyday. 

At the same time, I think I do have an idea of what I want or what I think I do but I just maybe haven’t let myself stop and think about it let alone try achieve it. Like having a partner and a family. 

I’ve never been in a proper relationship, I would never let it progress to that. I’ve barely dated anyone. Just as I’ve started to explore that more I’ve learned I have premature menopause and I’m likely infertile. 

I’m finding it so upsetting and triggering of these feelings, like of course I am I always knew I’d be alone because I’m defective and unlovable. I know that’s not logical but I can’t help but believe it and it keeps coming up.

I feel so sad and lonely, none of my friends or family understand. It was so hard to even get my doctors to me seriously. And when I have opened up to people they haven’t meant to but making comments like oh yeah my mum takes that… someone 35 years older than me with three kids and grandkids… 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear GreenEgg,

I have had those feelings and I think I felt that way from a very young age. So I feel for you and want to give you a big hug to tell you that you are absolutely loveable.

I think a range of factors can contribute to those feelings. In my case I came to realise that my mum suffered from feeling completely unlovable herself and thus passed on those feelings. Her mother did the same with her. An antidote I have found is seeking out connections with gentle, kind others who see you for who you really are (not who your inner critic may tell you that you are). Over the past week and a half I’ve spent quite a bit of time with a gentle, kind friend and her beautiful baby (almost toddler). Kind people and young children can open something up in you and shift the inner pattern of having negative feelings towards yourself. I’ve also been looking after a lovely, fluffy cat who decides to almost sit on my head while I’m having a nap and starts purring in the hope of pats. I find these interactions with other beings co-regulates the nervous system and can shift us into a state of social engagement which can be very healing. I find it can shift me out of depression into feelings of warmth and connection.

It would be incredibly hard going through early menopause. I am 49 and going through late perimenopause and it has been very rocky though starting to stabilise. Like you I had hoped to have a good relationship and a family. It hasn’t worked out for a number of reasons and I was stuck in old trauma patterns. But I do believe that even if you have missed having your own family, there are still opportunities to connect with the children of others and also to form a meaningful relationship. I think a family can take a variety of forms. When I was 30 I developed an extremely painful bladder condition that persisted at an intense level for 3 years before beginning to improve. It destroyed any potential for intimacy and I believed I must be the most unlovable person and felt like damaged goods. It was very hard to come back from that. I’m also having to do the work to recover from damage done to me as a child that created feelings of being unloveable so early. It’s a work in progress and I’ve found a good psychologist so it is something I am gradually working on and I can see improvement. I catch myself out now when I’m hard on myself and I’m beginning to create a different narrative. There’s a lovely quote I heard from Peter Levine which is, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. I really believe that’s true.

Sensitive people such as yourself are so often empaths who bring sensitive insight and wisdom into the world. To know suffering is to have compassion and a true capacity to love. So don’t give up on yourself as I am sure you have much to offer in relationship with others.

I do not have all the answers and I still have some strong isolating behaviours myself. I don’t know if I will ever find a secure, lasting relationship or not. But I think it’s sometimes when you let go of struggling and just be yourself and follow your heart that you find you meet people you connect with and perhaps a significant other. Are there some things that bring you peace? I know you mentioned the interests you had in high school. It may be possible to rekindle those interests or find new ones you are drawn to and they can be a potential portal into new connections as well.

Happy to keep chatting if it helps.

Hugs,

ER

[therising]

Hi GreenEgg

I'm not sure how to follow Eagle Ray's beautiful, compassionate, loving, insightful and supportive post but I'll give it a go...

Took me decades to finally figure out I was never taught how to love myself. No one ever strategically taught me how to find and bring out the best in myself, for me to meet with and love. No one ever told me that self love and self acceptance can require skill and practice or certain practices. So, in the 'School of hard knocks' (aka 'Life'), when put to the test or when being examined, it can become 'Okay, let's see how much you've learned so far, when it comes to self love'. The result of that test/exam/challenge can lead to the revelation 'I still have much to learn'. At this stage of life (as a 53yo gal), I'd regard myself as an apprentice, rather than a master of self love. Mastery can take decades but we gotta start somewhere.

Like Eagle Ray, I've found sensitive people can make all the difference when it comes to how and what we learn in the way of self love. Whether they're the people who can sense our need for compassion and guidance, sense our desire to evolve in certain ways, sense our desperation for a greater level of self understanding, sense who we naturally are and amplify that in powerful ways or they sense something else, pays to find people who are good at sensing (sensitive folk), as opposed to being surrounded by rather insensitive people who just don't feel all that much.

Personally, I'm one of those mind/body/spirit kinda gals. I've found I can't survive being any other way. I've found it pays to ask 'How can I love my mind? How can I love my physical self? How can I love who I naturally am?'. There begins the quest, with 3 key questions which tie into one, 'How can I come to love my entire self?'. Another way of considering this is 'How can I love myself to life bit by bit, especially when no one has shown me how to do it?'.

Do define 'love' is what I found to be the most important step of all. For me, love is found, experienced and felt through evolution. In my mind, love and evolution are tied in together. To fully love someone means I am fully invested in how they evolve in the most amazing and powerful ways, ways that bring them joy, relief, excitement, growth and more. Self love is tied to my own evolution, how I lead myself to evolve. Me evolving is me loving myself to life, bit by bit. For you to have come here to the forums, in the hope of finding that which leads you to evolve, is you loving yourself to life. You see, you are lovable or love able. You have just loved yourself. Whatever that part of you is, that has led you to come here, loves you too. Let's call it 'the sage' or 'the guide' in you. It is a part of the best in you.

In some ways, recovery is about loving our self back to life. It can be about coming back to life strategically and skillfully, with a circle of guides who can show us how to do it. Personally, another thing I can't do without in life are really good guides. Exploring uncharted territory is a tough thing to be doing on our own. 'Fast trackers' can make all the difference.