Standing at the crossroads.....alone, sad and confused

[Nefertari]

As is usual for me, it is very early in the morning, sun just risen, world silent except for the birds and me still in bed with an obligatory cup of tea after yet another night of not enough sleep and of course, as I am aware, that is one of the classic signs of depression.  It did take me many years to admit that I can fall back into the ‘black hole’ if I am not careful and many years to acknowledge that the edge is often looming. and it is definitely looming as we ‘speak’. On an intellectual level it is easy to understand why (an abusive and lonely childhood, a lack of love, validation and support for the vast majority of my life, inappropriate choices in relationships that validate feelings of low self worth, constant feeling of a life and potential unfulfilled) but on an emotional level, we all just want to be ‘normal’ but the question is what is normal.  In the dysfunctional world we live in I suspect that normal is in fact just that, dysfunctional.  My entire life has felt like one step forward and two steps back in my search for a sense of happiness and contentment and although there have been moments, in reality, when I look back, it is very, very difficult to think of a time when I would consider myself to be a happy person although I have always been very good at hiding that from the world (the hat stand with the masks standing at the front door that you pop on as you leave the house and remove on returning).  In my experience, the majority of people don’t really want to know what is going on in your life, just want the obligatory ‘how are you’, ‘fine, how are you’ in response and unfortunately that also means family or those that you might have considered close friends. It is not easy for people to deal with other people’s issues, particularly in regard to depression.  Often as difficult for them to accept as it is for us to acknowledge in ourselves.  So here I stand at a crossroads and I admit to feeling very sad and very afraid and so very tired.  This year has definitely been a challenging and difficult one and many of my old issues have raised their heads once more, particularly in regard to abandonment and rejection and I am at a loss to understand why and also to understand how others can get pleasure from deliberately hurting others.  I have just returned from overseas after working in some interesting places for the last 6 and a half years and admit that I am not back by choice.  I have been let down by many people (a former colleague who gave me an unfair and damaging reference, a cousin who left me stranded in another city after promising  to keep in touch, a daughter who packed my bags remarkably quickly after staying with her for a couple of weeks on my return, an agency who did not follow up re: an interview offer and do not respond to my emails) and one thing after another have gone wrong with house and health and finances and car and ‘friends’ and life in general and I admit, as a result, I am now feeling very down, completely unmotivated and completely alone.  The meaning of life?  Still searching and still elusive.

[StuartD]

Hi Nefertari, wow theres a lot going on in your life. I see this is your first post and good on you. I have only been active on BB for a week or so myself, having signed up in August, and have had some really good advice already. At least now you're not as alone as you might think. All of us here on BB are here for you. I'm thinking it might be time for you to slow down a bit, it sounds like you've lead a pretty hectic existence for a while. Have you ever had a chance to stop and smell the roses? Give yourself time to appreciate who you are and remind yourself of all the great qualities you have. Take a deep breath and relax if you can. Good things often happen when you're not trying so hard for them too. Thats my experience anway. Hopefully I have been some help. 🙂

[geoff]

dear Nefertari, your name rings a bell, have been on here before or maybe the old BB, anyway nice to have you.

When I was reading your post it made me think about you and all the others posting on here that someone with depression typing out their post and how distressing it must be for you to disclose your depression,but more so the agony of how you are suffering, so it takes a lot of gusts to do this, but you as well as all the others have to be commended for this.

No one wants to know of our depression because this means a great deal of helping supporting and trying to talk to us, so it's just easy for them to leave, or more so to run, and this only means one thing, rejection.

We never know if and when we are going to relapse but with your colleague and your cousin doing the wrong thing certainly could mean that this may have begun your relapse.

These events may appear to be only small, but they they weren't for you, they were enormous.

The question you ask 'the meaning of life', well there are so many connotations to this, and everybody would provide a different explanation, but our own ideas would change over time, and who is right, and why do they believe they are correct.

You have many problems which you will need help with, house, health, finances, car and any friends that are prepared to lend you a hand. Geoff.