Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

[Girl_Anachronism]

I hadn't posted in a month or so but I am not going well so here I am.  I am alive but most definitely not well. Since it has been a while, I'll try put everything that has happened in a short a description as possible.

•  I am off crutches but still in a knee brace from the  post surgical fall i had a month ago.
• I have been suffering fatigue and other symptoms which i am not sure of the cause of but it has been going on for three weeks now. I have had an MRI and am waiting for the results.I am hoping they find something but i am terrified if what that something could be. I have a doctors appointment Sunday.
• My partner has a dislocated shoulder with little sign of recovery. They are investigating surgery. It is severely impacting her mental health and she has had to defer uni.
• I am 4 weeks behind in uni. I have been to five lectures, out of a possible 30. I have not studied at all at home due to all of the factors above, hospital visits to my girlfriend, driving to the ed with her at the wee hours of the morning. I need to do three units to get paid, but I am worried that i won't be able to catch up. Failing could be the trigger for another year long breakdown.
• My relationship with my partner is strong, but she has her own problems and we are working out how to care for each other and ourselves. We recently moved from a share house with far too many boys and a passive aggressive landlady to a homes west unit of our own. I am writing surrounded by furniture and boxes. This accommodation is more stable and long term, plus far more private which is what we both need.
• A close family friend passed on the 13th. Her death has affected my sister most greatly, but I miss her too. I was unable to attend the funeral because I was too sick to go. I will pay my respects another day. Her death was sudden and unexpected and everyone is sill a little shell shocked.
• Some mornings I wake up and instead of not being able to get out of bed because of physical illness, i can't motivate myself to move. I feel depression licking at my heels, slowly sucking me further under. Having been there before I can recognise it, but don't know how to fight it. 

i am in a bad head space. I know that. I have booked respite for a week, starting Sunday. i feel like I am abandoning my partner just after we moved in but i am stressing so much that I need the break. I need help.

GA

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[Neil_1]

Hi there GA

Coping, but not living.

OR, still living, but you’ve added in the very good aspect that you are also coping.

Slightly different way of looking at things.  If you stop still for a moment and see where you were, say 6 months ago or hells bells, even 12 months ago – the changes that have happened, the shape of your life, the relative stability that is there now – it’s all down to you.  To your efforts in getting to where you are now.

Yes, of course there’s still major issues happening, but it jumps out at me (and no doubt to so many others who’ve been following your threads) that you have displayed some remarkable strength and composure during these times.  You’ve been doing it very tough all the way through, but you’ve still managed to move forward – ok, albeit shakily at times, but I still see forward movement.

Just wanted you to know that.

Neil

[Pixie15]

Hi GA,

Sorry to read about your partner's difficulties. 

I am dealing with back pain myself and know how debilitating it can be. You wrote that they have not been able to find the cause for your partner's back pain. I am wondering what tests they have done. I can remember one person telling me that the doctors had trouble identifying the cause of their problem because they were only doing Xrays lying down. The problem only became apparent when they did some scans sitting up. Thought I would share this in case your partner is in the same situation.

I hope life starts to improve for you both soon.

cheers,

Pixie.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Good evening to both of you,

 In the latest news the numbness has spread up her leg. We took her physio's advice to go to ED. A night later and she is on the neurology ward and they are investigating. Apparently back problems are notoriously hard to diagnose and the MRI they did in ED last time wasn't good enough, didn't look far enough. We have a diagnosis if it is clear, and a prognosis of a 3-6 months to reboot the brain and learn to walk again.

All these things are good, in the sense they are certainties and investigations from medical staff. Our local mental hospital refused to take her recently because of her back problems despite being wheelchair accessible and having seen patients with wheelchairs there before. Because low mood was caused by physical problems there was nothing they could do to help. She has had crises admissions there before with no problems. We have gone down to triage and called them only to be told to get over it.

I feel incredibly disappointed by them. I feel angry that they refused to help without good reason. Of course when the Wards doctor called, they were more than happy too. Her head is in a better space because we are getting answers. She will be safe at home, with a diagnosis for the paralysis and back pain. I still am angry, but much more relieved at her improvements. I want her to come home. I miss her.

I am not going so well at uni. I just can't make myself do the work. When I have time, I can't make myself move. I just lose time. I have only one unit. Surely I can manage this.

The next problem is that I aam due for respite next week, but though I could get someone to feed the cats, how is my partner going to cope for a week? We can't afford to pay for a call in carer while I am away and leaving her literally trapped in the house for a week is not an option. Family is of little to no support. I may just have to not go to respite an just do day trips alone places in order to help instead, though  I am going to need a respite stay at some point in the next 6 months so we will have to work it out.

 GA

[Mares73]

Dear GA I'm sorry I haven't been around much to offer my support. My partner is seriously ill with leukemia &:2 kids who aren't coping.

Anyway I hope you get this as its been a while since you posted. How are you? How's your partner? I know from your last post you were doing it really tough & I hope with all my heart that things have improved.

I'll make this a short msg as I hope to hear all your news before I write again.

You are in my thoughts

Love Mares x