Spiralling

[TheTimidWildOne]

Hello 

I think I've struggled with depression, anxiety and eating disorders for many years. 

Right now I feel completely worthless. I hate being me. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my kids because they need me. But I also find being a Mum overwhelming. My husband hates these moods and gets angry with me when I'm like this. Which makes it even worse. 

I'm struggling to eat and sleep well. 

I just want it all to stop. But I don't want my kids to lose their Mum. 

I really don't know why I'm posting this here. I'm sorry!

I am just so stuck and lonely right now.

[Sophie_M]

Dear TheTimidWildOne
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post and will be reaching out to you privately to offer you some additional support this evening.
 
We can hear that everything is feeling too much for you right now and on the back of a history of depression, anxiety and eating disorders, we would assume you are already engaged with a health professional?  Please reach out to them, such as your GP to let them know how you are feeling TheTimidWildOne, you don’t have to go through this alone.  It’s so good to hear that you are thinking with your children’s best interests at heart and the world is a much better place for them with you in it so we commend you for this.
 
In the meantime, we would love for you to give one of our fully trained counsellors a call for some counselling support, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  In addition, our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

Thank you again for reaching out, we will leave you in the hands of our lovely community members who will be here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello TheTimidWildOne, hi and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, but I'm sure your husband's moods aren't liked by many either, but it's much different when you are suffering from a MI, because only the love for your kids is something you still cherish and not any criticism.

It's good you have been able to express your feelings, that's how you form connections with people who do understand what you're saying, because there are many who can relate to this.

Your doctor can give you a 'mental health plan', which entitles you to 20 Medicare paid sessions per year to talk with a psych who specialises in this particular situation, plus they may suggest medication, so please get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi TheTimidWildOne

I feel for you so deeply as you face so many stressful and depressing challenges. As a mum to an almost 20yo gal and a 17yo guy, I'd have to say out of all the jobs I've ever had, being a mum has definitely been the most challenging to date. While raising kids can be a joyful and highly rewarding experience, I've also found it to be a stressful and depressing task on occasion. The stressful and depressing side of motherhood is not often talked about. It should be.

I think some husbands can forget they are partners. To have someone who can partner you through mental health issues means you have someone to raise you. If they're good at what they do, they can raise your low level emotions to higher ones. They can raise your lack of awareness (regarding a certain challenge) to a greater level of consciousness. They can raise your sense of hopelessness to a sense of wonder, leading you to wonder where the hopelessness is coming from. A conscious partner will raise us in so many ways. On the other hand, a partner who treats our emotions as an inconvenience leaves us to raise our self. Through first hand experience, I know what that feels like. You should be incredibly proud of yourself, for you're raising yourself and here you've come, in the process.

TTWO, I've found one of my major triggers for depression is a seriously depressing lack of energy. If you were to see yourself as a human battery, how are you charging up? Sounds like you're feeling almost completely flat. It's such a horrible feeling. Sleep and good food are 2 major charges. They help put us in charge. With every cell in our body craving water in order to generate energy, hydration is another one. Water's a major conductor.

Not sure if you're feeling up for it but how does a new project sound? Let's call it 'Putting myself in charge'. Keep in mind, anger has a discharge point. The next time your husband tries to shut down your feelings, practice discharging constructively as opposed to suppressing your energy in motion (e-motion). All emotions are valid, for they indicate how we're feeling life. 'Remaining unheard' has a definite feel to it.

[Amanda2000]

Hi TheTimidWildOne

I'm in a similar situation .... but replace eating disorder with contamination-ocd.

My kids are now 18 and 16 but motherhood seems to get harder over the years rather than easier. I have a new kind of sleep deprivation now that their bedtimes keep getting later and later. I've tried to not wait for them and go to bed before them but it just made my anxiety worse as I was not the person "locking-up the house at the end of the day" ... have they switched off all the lights? did they leave the tap dripping? etc.

Yes I certainly feel that being a Mum is overwhelming. Its truly a life sentence without parole. I too feel trapped in this life.

My husband is not the sympathetic/sensitive type either. But I've learnt to cope with this by focussing on the helpful things that he does - eg. picking-up the kids from evening events, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn etc.

It's frustrating that I cannot talk about emotional things with my husband who's the person closest and dearest to me. So I come to this forum which gives me some comfort. There are a lot of like-minded people here who'll help you get through the difficult moments.

You are not alone! Here's a virtual hug.

[Petal22]

Hi TheTimidWildOne,

Im glad that you have reached out to us, thank you.

I understand that depression and anxiety can be really hard to deal with and also an eating disorder.

While we are trying to endure these Mental health conditions and be a mum m, this can become a really hard job.

I understand because when my children where little I experienced Postnatal anxiety, severe anxiety,Parental OCD and OCD it was an absolute mine field to endure.

My intrusive thoughts made my job of being a mum more challenging….. I was constantly stuck in my head and enduring severe anxiety, panic attacks and I just felt exhausted and wanted everything that was going on inside my head to stop….. it was so unrelenting.

I knew I couldn’t endure this alone it was too overwhelming for me so I took the step to asking for help through health professionals.

My journey was a marathon but now I have recovered and because I’ve recovered I can now enjoy my time with my children and really enjoy my life ❤️

Have you thought about having a chat to your gp about the way you are currently feeling and experiencing and how it’s affecting your life?

I was also put on a antidepressant which helped me in time and I did a certain therapy where I learned so much and in time lead me to manage and then master my condition.

You really can get better from what you are currently going through.

I understand I had OCD and you have a eating disorder but I believe that you too can find a therapy that works for you.

Im sorry that your husband isn’t understanding I understand that would be hard…… it’s not your fault you are going through this.

I understand it’s sometimes hard for people who haven’t experienced a mental health condition to understand but they need to just try to understand.

Your kids aren’t going to loose their mum because you LOVE them and you will recover from this and once you recover they will get an even stronger, wiser and compassionate Mum…… who also has LOVE for herself.

You will come through this but you need to seek professional help.

Please ask me any questions and feel free to come back to us.