Depression, feeling numb

[Mystruggles]

Sometimes my depression hits me out of nowhere. I can start to feel less numb (content but never happy) and then the smallest of triggers will just spiral me to the point where I just feel so empty and numb. I just wish I could feel something other than numbness and anger. I wish I could smile, or laugh. When last have I had a belly laugh? silly question... but its been years. I can be such an extrovert and times and the next moment I'm just numb and completely reserved. I find it so hard to maintain romantic relationships because sometimes I just feel numb. I have no connection, no interest (even though I do) I find it so hard to get out of the bed in the morning and do anything. It almost feels like extreme laziness but I just have no energy. Ive suffered from depression for 15 years, no medication helps, I've tried so much but I can't feel.

[Croix]

Dear Mystruggles~

Welcome here to the forum, it's a good place to come to as you can look around and see others that have had to cope, as you have. Hopefully you might find a few things that lighten the load.

I've had bouts of depression over a long time, and thankfully over that time the episodes have become less frequent and less severe. At their worst I was disconnected, perhaps what you call numb. I certainly had no real feelings about anything. I did not love those I had before, and was not sure I was even capable of it.

In fact it was rather like being on the other side of a dark glass wall and watching myself, without  understanding what I did or why. The only time anger came up if was if someone tried to break into my thoughts - even in a nice way with a cuppa - and I'd react badly, cross and resentful. The fact was I had no room left in my mind to deal with others . Depression had filled it full.

Now I'm a different person, though there is no magic involved. I had a routine I managed to keep too, gettng out of bed and cleaning my teeth - almost on autopilot as i dreaded the day or felt there was no point to it - then a shower (which helped) and getting dressed. From then on I did not feel good, but at least I was up, and that had possibilities.

Time has helped as I said, plus after many years I was put on an unusual combination of meds, and they  have helped a lot. I'd just about given up on meds as either they did nothing, or simply made matters worse.

You may be surprised, but some people will accept you as you are, down times and all. My partner did and we are still together.

What can I suggest? Well in the up-times plan for the down-times. Keep on trying. In a way discouragement is your worst enemy.

Now you may think I'm talking pick-me-up twaddle. OK if so tell me:) In the beginning I'd simply have discounted or not believed anyone who said I'd get to the stage I"m at now.

I mentioned other peole, you might find this topic interesting when you are not too down:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/self-help-tips-for-managing-depression/m-p/46141#M771...

There are lots of things to try

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Mystruggles, having depression is not about laziness, it doesn't give us the strength to be able to do anything nor want to, and it denies us the chance to feel close to a person who wants to become friends, simply because we can't give them the opportunity to make us feel some type of happiness, all we want is to be alone, as we are so susceptible to any trigger that may suddenly confront us and can come from nowhere.

To be an extrovert in this situation, may only be pretending to others to avoid any discussion on why we feel so low, may be they don't understand or perhaps these people think they know more and act as though they're experts, when in fact they may not have had any experience themselves.

As people age, the medication they're taking may need to change and sometimes that's what we forget to ask our doctor about, because things now happen that didn't happoen 5 years ago.

You aren't alone in how you are feeling, so it's also possible to consult with a different psych so you can get another opinion on how to face this depression.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Amanda2000]

Hi Mystruggles,

I'm with you totally. Constant ups-and-downs. Struggling to get out of bed because of the uncertainty of how I'm going to feel for the rest of the day - will it be a good day or a bad day?

I've recently noticed the pattern of my depression at various times of the day - worst in the morning and struggling to get out of bed, but then improves as the day progresses, low again in the evening when I need to attend to household-chores. What I've started practising is to look past the unpleasant moment and focus on the next good moment. For example, if I get out of bed, I get to eat my favourite breakfast-cereal. Basically try to focus on the next small thing that I can look forward to. The same can be applied to absolutely anything that you dread having to do. Whilst this does not cure my depression & anxiety, it certainly has been a big help for me to get through everyday.