so over being numb

angeplussix · ‎10-09-2013

I was diagnosed with servere clincal depression back in 2000. I have been on the same meds for 12 years and they work sort of ..im not depressed but i am numb. I have six kids and i love them so god dam much. But to feel the excitment when they do something awsome is absent. I have no drive for intimacy (a side effect) so that puts a relationship on the edge. SO!! my doc thought it might be beneficial to see.if reducing my dose would help in the relationship department. It didnt. But it did take me to a place of false security. Where in my mind i thought i wohld be fine without any meds at all .. So i came off them a week ago ( back on today) and last night had a breakdown of epic porportions was convinced my children didnt need to suffer along side me and that they deserved a life without a mother who was unable.to share their happiness for life. Ig didnt help matters that my ex (of 2 weeks) thought the kids would benifit from not having my input in their lives. Almost pushed me over the edge i was hanging on by my fingernails . But my kids reached out and got a friend to ring me (52 times before i answered) who brought me back. Today life.is still not good and i am still in a really dark place. Bu i know now that there are.hands out there in the darkness waiting for me to grab a hold of WHEN IM READY. The war between depression with all your feelings striped bare and the world on medication where life is in a constant haze will be forever my battle. But today i am alive.

vip · ‎10-09-2013

Hi angelplussix thankgoodness for that friend that rang you 52 times she was your saviour and a friend you must keep for the rest of your life. I unfortunately didnt have those kind of friends when i committed suicide 3 yrs ago. I have a small group now who are there for me whenever i want to talk ect. I look at it this way too Im still alive and Im walking and back to normal health without any medication so i consider myself to be one of the lucky ones I have a 2nd chance in life and that chance i have been given is to help others in the same situation as myself and yourself ect ect. That medication keep on it and please dont make the same mistake i did with coming off them without medical supervision it nearly cost me my life. Stay with the professionals psych gp and reach out to your friends your children and make sure you are heard always. I understand how hard it is being a sufferer also for 22 yrs but your kids sound beautiful to me put the time and effort there and dont waste any energy with your ex surround yourself with loving caring posative people at all times . Take care.

Tracy71 · ‎10-09-2013

Angeplussix,

I wish I could know you and give u a big hug. What great kids you have. Having depression for so long, have you tried seeing a different dr or changing meds? You shouldnt feel in a haze if your depression is being addressed correctly.

Ive been in your situation where Ive felt my kids were better off without me, and had 2 suicide attempts. Thank christ I wasnt successful, the second time only because my eldest boy knew something wasnt right and called for help.

You will find if you are newly separated you will find the strength to go on simply because you have to for your kids. Something kicks in when there is no one to rely on but yourself. Take your meds, get a second opinion if needed, take each day as it comes, show your children just how strong mum is. Be their inspiration, as hard as it seems. One day they will remember the strength you have shown. Good luck. Please keep in touch. Tracy. xx

giggles · ‎11-09-2013

HI angeplusix

I was so sorry to here that you are numb especially with 6 children.That must be horrid, I come from a large family and I know we may have given Mum a hardtime sometimes because we were basically growing up with all the dramas that are attached to everyday life. So if she had expressed no joy with all the other things in life that went on regardless of what happened I reckon I may be different today.

So I understand what you are saying on a few levels from being a mother and having a mother.

If you were my girlfriend I would look into getting you some proper time out because it sounds like you have not allowed yourself to feel joy for so long that it has properly given up and left. The time away will give you much needed time to be yourself again and of course come back to your family with a knew vigor and to be the mother you are and I believe want to be.

But if this is not possible because I know this is out of reach for loads of people then a group may be for you so you can hear what others are up too and how they cope.

Let me know what you can do since I do not know where you are with the God thing then I can suggest a church which one would be up to you of course. If not then thats ok too.

It is always about listening to yourself if you are watching the children they are doing it all the time to solve things what would you do to help one of them if they are too go through the same thing as you.

Bless and start believing in yourself because nothing comes from nothing which is your numbness.

I was concerned for you because the depression is winning so I wish you to turn it round now even if it is something small its something.

Allow yourself to feel its ok.

All the best and check in to let us know if something has clicked for you.

I know its hard work recovering but it is so worth it once you reach certain levels.

All the best

You have to have a giggle somewhere or sometime.

Giggles

The_Real_David_Charles · ‎11-09-2013

Dear angel,

Doing without meds seems like a night out with George Clooney. Fairly attractive but there might be problems in a very short while.

What seems a complete paradox is that to find the right meds for you (and others) is often a totorous process with many doctors, blood tests, appointment, second guessing and a vast array of resources. After all this quest for stability what is the upper most thought ? To get off the meds ! It's part of human nature.

Clinging on with ones' fingernails is a good description of a crisis point. To reach the final millimetre of your human extremity and be so close to ruin. Sounds like you didn't cope well initially but given your situation it was pretty good to come up for air and accept that help was needed. I guess if a fingernail is right, given the correct colour of nail polish and matching a whole outfit, then the world is balanced and you can go onto the street with less anxiety and more confidence.

As a guy, my fingernails only get coloured when I pick up my dog's poo and the bag breaks. But that's a different story. That reminds me - the call of the walk. Good Luck. Your dark place must remain unfulfilled. The light is revealing your angst.

Adios, David.

angeplussix · ‎14-09-2013

Well they have taken me off my meds so to have a clean slatewhen i see the doc on Monday. But have me on some mild sedatives to keep those evil forces away. I am lucky to have a friend that was so persistent without him.... Let's not go there . The psych team is keeping close tabs on me.not out of the woods yet. Thankyou all for your kind words wish i had of knownabout this place years ago.my kids seem on the outside to be doing okay. Time will tell how much damage i caused . But i have told them i am so sorry and how much i do love them (sorry about the spelling and spacing my phones keypad is mycking up... Its driving me insane ( opps already there hahaha) sory ) ) thanks once again will keep you posted. Atay well out there. Ange. .