So lonely even when not alone

[Cake]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for over a decade now. I'm 32, live my partner of 7 years and my cat. But I feel so alone and it feels like I'm going to keep feeling this way for the rest of my life.

I'm a very emotional person and get stressed and cry really easily. My partner is the complete opposite - nothing really phases him. He doesn't get stressed and rarely gets upset. He has very little emotional intelligence and doesn't know how to react when I'm upset. He has no idea what to say so will say nothing, and will try to provide a bit of physical comfort but just doesn't provide the kind of comfort and response I want, need and expect. I've tried to tell him multiple times what I want from him in these situations but it seems he's just not capable of it.

I have no one else I can confide in and talk to. My family have never been the type to go deep and I just can't talk to them, and they live interstate anyway. I have no real friends and haven't for about 10 years. My partner is the only person I have to talk to, and because he doesn't provide any real comfort, I end up feeling worse after confiding in him. It's the loneliest feeling confiding in the person you're closest to and getting little to no response. And then I think about how he will always be like this, therefore I will always be feeling like this. I have a lifetime ahead of me of feeling alone.

I'm still feeling the grief of losing my 21yo cat, my best friend, 4 years ago. Before, I'd had the comfort that no matter what happened, she was always there, loving me unconditionally. Now I've lost that comfort. 

I fight a battle with my head every day. I have the ability to think logically, but then there's what I call this monster also in my head that takes over. The monster will put all these negative thoughts in my head. It's exhausting trying to fight him off. I'm a perfectionist. I want to do things right and be liked. So I can get really stressed about making decisions and making sure I do and say the right thing, and any mistake I make will be replayed in my head over and over again. I'm very shy and lacking confidence. I don't like social situations because I get anxious about what to say and did I say the right thing, and what do they think of me. I never feel good enough.

I'm so exhausted of having to lift myself up after every breakdown. Of having to try and fight off the voice screaming in my head. I'm so exhausted. I want it to stop. I want to not feel lonely. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Cake,

I think one of the challenges being a sensitive person is finding others who are like us who understand what it is like. I am a sensitive person too and have certainly felt alone a great deal. I have 3 friends who are very gentle, sensitive people like myself but unfortunately live some distance away in the city while I am in a regional town. But I do keep in contact with them and see them in person occasionally. Their friendships make a difference because we are all able to be open and vulnerable with one another and there is a real genuineness and care there which definitely has helped me feel a bit less isolated. I still don't tell them every detail of every challenge I have, but they are like a consistent presence of people I feel safe with.

So I'm just wondering about the possibility for you of reaching out somehow to possible sources of connection with others similar to yourself? I wonder if there is a common interest group you could join, maybe based around a hobby, or something like one of the Meetup groups which is an online platform but where you can either do in-person or online meets. I've seen Meetup groups before around things such as introversion, shyness and social anxiety - so groups that are for people who are sensitive. It may or may not be fruitful, but just trying to think of some options. It just sounds like you need an outlet other than your partner where you can be with people who have your level of sensitivity. Sometimes in life we need a variety of people to engage with and inspire us along the way.

Another thing is working with a good therapist. When you are a sensitive person, finding the right therapist for you is particularly important. But if you do find someone you connect and work well with, it is often the beginning of being really heard and understood by another person which in itself can be very healing. Often through that trust it then becomes easier to engage with the wider world and feel less alone. I think that's how things have started to work for me since I found a really good psychologist in 2022. I think what a therapist can help you with too are those things you describe such as the anxiety about saying and doing the right thing. I've had that anxiety too, but since working with my current psychologist I have become more at peace with myself than previously and I'm also much kinder to myself.

Those are just some thoughts. I understand how draining and exhausting it can be feeling stressed and overwhelmed easily and being a sensitive person. There is quite a good book I read called "Sensitive is the New Strong" by Anita Moorjani in case that is any help.

In any case, sending you a big hug and happy to chat further if you want to.

Eagle Ray

[Bella78]

Good evening,

I am touched by your post.

I completely understand your situation and how you feel. I won't lie and say I know exactly how you feel.

I was diagnosed with Melancholic depression decades ago, and kind of went through a similar situation to yours. Unfortunately, some people can understand and some don’t, which is ok. What I did, I kept things to myself or walked away but that’s my choice.

What's important is that you are safe and ok. I am happy to connect with you and assist as much as I can as I can.

I studied psychology to understand my diagnosis, and recognize symptoms and the dos and dont’s. I encourage you to see a psychologist/psychiatrist to offload and heal.

You are the only one that can take care of YOU.

Have a beautiful evening.

I look forward to your response. 

[therising]

Hi Cake

I'm glad Bella78 and Eagle Ray have been able to offer you their wisdom, experience, support and compassion. It definitely makes a difference when we find people who can relate to how we feel in a number of ways.

When we're able to sense or feel in ways that others can't, it can be so incredibly challenging and it can also feel incredibly lonely at times. It can be a matter of 'No one seems to be able to feel life the way I do, the challenges I face and how I physically or emotionally experience those things'. Btw, it was a good 4 decades or so before I was led to consider sensitivity as relating to the ability to sense. Before this, I was often led to believe sensitivity to be a 'fault', a 'weakness' and even a curse at times. I suppose you could say the ability to sense is a coin that has both a bright or light side and a dark side. On the bright side we can feel or sense the strong connections we make with those who feel in similar ways to us, we can sense the revelations that feel mind altering and inspiring, sense the beautiful warmth of the sun on our face on sunny morning, sense the smell of a flower which leads us to experience pleasure through nature's aromatherapy and so on. On the dark side, we can feel what or who is depressing, what or who is stressful, feel our nervous system in a state of unwelcome hyperactivity and all that kind of stuff. As I say, 2 sides of the same sensitive coin. How to manage and master the darker side of being able to feel can be quite the education.

While my husband is a sensitive or feeling person to some degree, he has left me scratching my head on occasion, based on his lack of ability to feel at times. Whether he can't feel some of the questionable things he says, can't feel a deep need to discuss challenging emotions faced by members of his family, can't feel some of his seriously triggering beliefs he loves to openly share or something else, I think (like with a lot of people) part of this comes through conditioning. People can be conditioned out of being sensitive. Others remain sensitive. Whether people lack the ability to feel based on they way they were raised, based on the friends they've grown up with, based on social conditioning etc, we're going to experience their conditioning. That's who we are. Btw, one thing that I learned about my husband (which has come to help me) is 'If I don't appoint him the role of he who feels as deeply as me, I will not face the dis-appointment of that role'. The challenge becomes about finding someone who can fill that role. This is something Eagle Ray touches on, expressing how this role has been filled by some good friends, a therapist and other sensitive people. You'd be surprised by the number of sensitive people who come to the forums here, people who can feel or sense easily and deeply.

Of course, there are some people who experience a lack of sensitivity for very personal reasons. They may have become emotionally detached through trauma, emotionally detached as a learned form of self preservation or they can have the inability to feel to begin with, just to name a few examples. With that last one, while some people on the autism spectrum can feel incredibly intensely, others on the spectrum can lack the ability to feel things such as compassion, empathy etc. It's not their fault, it's just how they tick.

[ABC01]

Dear Cake,

It was almost like looking into a mirror with your post. I too am stressed about making decisions because I am a perfectionist who analyses every little thing in a situation.  I am not great in crowds and meeting new people and I too have a monster that shines the torch on the negative only.

I live in a house full of people and am lonely on a consistent basis. Most people here are dealing with their own stuff and their education in communication can be quite lacking. I often leave conversations frustrated at the lack of emotion or empathy. The fact that they can't even try to understand my pov is so frustrating, whereas I try to understand theirs', even if I don't agree with it. And that it is truly hard to be in that environment if you are seeking support or reassurance and experiencing mental health difficulties. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it just makes it hard though.

I can also understand and empathise with the loss of your cat. They are unconditionally there for you in every capacity. And they are so very special and cherished in our hearts. Especially if they imprinted on you. You never get over them. Your heart may heal around the grief, but you still love and miss them. Somehow they are able to make the world tilt back into place. And 21 years is one mighty good inning. It is okay and completely valid to miss her. I am yet to figure out what to do without the comfort of my boy. And I have a dog here with me now. It just isn't quite the same.

I think what is frustrating is to have the ability to be logical but have anxiety at the same time. They sort of are the opposite of each other. And logically, they shouldn't be able to occur at the same time but do. I hear you when you say you are exhausted. It is so exhausting. I hear you when you say you want it to stop and not feel lonely. Me too.

I have recently joined Meetup and found some support groups online. That way I can be around people experiencing similar journey's to mine, but in the comfort of my own home. There are also opportunities to go in person. But for now I am sticking to online, through Zoom. I also found a social group for Anxiety and Depression, where people meet up for chats and coffee, with an understanding of how hard it is to get out of the house. But I can understand if you want to meet people who don't just talk about their struggles. I am also trying to say yes more than no, when invited somewhere. My first instinct is NO, but then I realize, I will never know unless I go. Then I can say no if I don't like it. This is a new (like the last month) for me, to say yes more. Perhaps there is a community/neighborhood house in your area that might run a class you would like to join? That is a great way to learn something new and at least expose yourself to the process of meeting new people.

Unfortunately, only this year, I have come to the realization that only having one or two things in my life doesn't balance it out and not when they only come from my home. Because when I lose one, my life is lonely and without a purpose/direction. And if they are only from my home, I have become almost become scared of the outside world. If I am not happy and lonely at home, my only option is to make my way out into the world. And that is scary.

I wish you well and hope you find a way. P.S. Let me know if you do.

ABC01

[Cake]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It's felt like a big relief just reading that there are people that have some understanding of how I'm feeling - I've never experienced that before. Having my feelings actually acknowledged.

I have always had hobbies, like team sport and I take art classes, where I am surrounded by other people. But I've never been able to make actual friends or connections in these environments. The idea of trying to connect with other introverted/shy/anxious people is a good idea. I've always felt like people see the shyness and quietness and put me in the too hard basket. Because it's too much work trying to break down that wall to get to the person on the other side. Maybe I'd find a bit more success with others who also share that wall and we are able to be more patient with each other. But I'm not sure exactly how to go about trying to find others like me.

I have tried in the past to put myself out there in terms of trying to meet people but it was painful. I feel so much pressure when meeting someone for the first times - I struggle thinking of what to say and how to word things, I often stumble through trying to get words out. And afterwards I feel so self-conscious, worrying about if I said the wrong thing and what they think of me. The anxiety makes me want to not do it again. And then there's the disappointment when once again you haven't made the connection you so desire. 

This week has been a better week. I still have to try and fight the negative thoughts every day. But your support has helped to lift me up after my terrible last week. Thank you again

[ABC01]

Dear Cake,

I find that I can write, like here on these forums so well, but if I try to say the same things out loud, I have a hard time getting the words off my tongue. Also, I used to be great at talking and thinking about the next sentence as I was saying the first one. But I have really slowed down. Just one sentence at a time now. And sometimes I have to pause to correlate the next sentence, so it makes sense. Or I lose the train of thought entirely. So, I can really understand social anxiety.

I am glad you are able to be uplifted. I hope the feeling continues for a while.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Cake,

I do know that feeling of disappointment when you are hoping for a connection but don’t find one. I think it’s a case of just going gently and continuing to try, even though it can be disheartening sometimes. I’ve had a few situations here in my town where I began a friendship with someone but it really wasn’t quite the right fit. What I have found too is that being a sensitive person I often end up being the support person for the other and spend hours listening to their life issues but they are totally unaware and uninterested in my life. I’m increasingly recognising just how important healthy, reciprocal relationships are. If I feel uneasy with someone and exhausted or worse after spending time with them it is a sign something is wrong. On the other hand, if I relax in their presence and feel nourished and lifted by the experience of spending time with them it’s a really good sign. I know the latter is possible because of the lovely friends I have in the city where the friendships are very balanced and mutually caring. So I think it’s so important to find connections you feel at ease with. I think your body tells you by how it feels. So if you are getting to know someone who is a balanced, healthy person to be around you will feel that within.

I have to say the way I connected with others was a bit by chance. I think you never actually know by attending something or participating in something what may happen. It was going to a music concert at someone’s house that led to one of the connections. In another case I actually met the person’s mother who recognised my gentle nature was similar to her daughter’s nature so she introduced us. Even though I’ve had some not good experiences too, when you do find good connections they really cancel out any experiences that haven’t worked out.

I think too perhaps participating in things without expectations can help. So going to an event or gathering with just an openness to enjoying it and feeling at peace whatever the outcome. Sometimes it is when we let go of worrying about an outcome that an outcome that is good for us emerges. I find just being in the present moment can help.

Take care and all the best,

ER

[therising]

Hi Cake

I'm glad you've found a little more ease in this week, compared with last week. I've found when inner dialogue changes a little (for a start), it can make life a tiny bit easier. When 'What is wrong with me? Why am I the only one who struggles in this way?' changes to 'There are others who can relate to how I feel', this can come as some relief. We know we're not alone when it comes to certain challenges.

I've found making sense of certain challenges can feel impossible unless I have certain people around me to help me make sense of them. They become resources. Such resources can include amazing people on the forums here, resources on the internet, great authors who share their mind altering ideas and perspectives through books, certain community groups, work colleagues, friends, family members and the list goes on. When it comes to a sense of identity, I believe not only are we travelers along life's path, we're also collectors of knowledge, tools, skills and more. The knowledge, tools, skills etc gained through people we meet along the way are thrown into our backpack. Somewhere down the track, we can access such things when the need arises. Of course, being a traveler isn't easy. It can be far from easy at times. Whenever we come to a dark (depressing or potentially depressing) part of our path in life or a highly stressful part, if we don't have what we need in the way of resources, we have to gain them. We have to gain the type of person/people we may need in our life, gain some form of knowledge, gain a tool or a skill and so on. If that part of the path wasn't challenging enough to begin with.

Personally, I dread small talk when it comes to meeting people. I have zero skills in small talk. Some people are masters of it. I find it somewhat stressful. I'm more than happy to talk about something amusing, the nature of reality, mental health challenges in society today, the challenges that come with the ability to sense and the list goes on. Anything other than small talk. I know it's a basic and polite way of getting to know people but I laugh when I say that it feels more like I'm telling people about how uneventful my life is, when they ask me 'What do you do for a living? What have you been up to lately?'. How do you expand on 'I'm a kitchen hand in an aged care facility who hasn't been doing anything super exciting or fascinating lately'?😅 Perhaps the challenge is to develop myself to be doing what's super exciting and fascinating. It would give me something to talk about and help increase the level of dopamine in my brain, as an added bonus 😁