Sleepless night with tears

[Pinkmum]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with an older boy of two. He is sick at home with dad and I'm at my parents crying behind the closed door. I suffered major depression m from the very beginning of this pregnancy and is still everywhere by this day. I could bearly have private time, even half an hour each day with hubby to share how I feel. Only tears can express my drowning sadness. Only people who have been through this understand how I feel. I hope.

[Just Sara]

Good morning PM;

I just wanted to let you know that yesterday our system was down. None of us could get our posts to register on the threads.

We're still here and things are back to normal, so if you want to pop in for a chat, please feel free to do so.

Wondering how you and family are doing...hugs...Sara xo

[Starwolf]

Hi Pinkmum,

I hope this early arrival wasn't too harrowing. Perhaps this clever bub felt the pregnancy was hard on you so decided to end it earlier. Like all new Mums do, you deserve a standing ovation !

Now that Mia is in good hands, it is time for you to have a well earned rest. So please be kind to yourself. May it be PN or other, depression is something happening to you, not caused by you. Hormones play a big role in PND. It is out of your control so guilt doesn't come into it and must be ditched. You have been through a lot but have courageously struggled through this difficult time while feeling very much alone with it all. You don't need to carry this useless, extra burden around.

Kids are perceptive, perhaps letting Mia know that her Mum is struggling at the moment and that it is neither her fault nor yours would be helpful to both of you.

Telling hospital staff exactly how you feel would be a brave and wise move. They are familiar with PND and would help you cope. There is usually 1 social worker attached to every hospital or at least a visiting one. Asking to have a talk would help her point you in the right direction to get further assistance when you are back home. Caring for a newborn and an unwell toddler is not for the faint-hearted at the best of times...so please do not hesitate to seek any help available in your area.

My thoughts are with you.

[blondguy]

Good Morning Pink!

I hope you are doing reasonably okay and you have some quality support that you deserve.

My best for you young son too, I hope his fever has come down after the other day

my kindest thoughts for you

Paulx

[Pinkmum]

First of all, thank you guys for your support and love. I am feeling a bit better today after a good night sleep. Mia's doing well in special care. Like what Sara says 'fake it till you make it'. I try to feed Mia every couple of hours so she can get the support she deserves to survive this challenge. My other baby being looked after by hubby and his father so I am not stressed about it at the moment. I feel you guys are a family to me and because you went through it all, I could really connect with you. I hope I can go through this. Kept on telling myself 'this will pass too'. Love you all.

[Pinkmum]

Hey Sara, I was wondering if you had similar feeling like below. I was walking down to the special care yesterday and a sudden wave of fear drowned me. The thoughts of looking after two kids for another 15 years at least is not something I am capable of. It is new, unplanned and challenging. I can't even look after myself. Did you have similar thoughts? Would it ever go away?

[Just Sara]

This is just to test if my post's are going thru. (System error?) Bare with me ok?

[Just Sara]

Ok...good to go lovely!

It's nice to read you're feeling better today after some sleep. I'm also very glad you're feeding and giving Mia the 'touch'...faking it or not. Well done beautiful! I'm so proud of you...

To answer your question; I had PND after my son was born. I had to stay in hosp for 20 days all up...10 before and 10 after. It was harrowing. My son was very ill and had to stay in a humid crib after he was born, (full term) and I couldn't touch him for a couple of days due to having an emergency ceaser 6 hrs into my labour. I had mastitis from not being able to feed him...expressing the milk was so painful!

I planned to have my son and was prepared, at least I thought I was. My husband was absent for the birth and didn't give any support. I was mortified when my baby was bought to me with track marks down his arms; I nearly screamed the place down. No-one told me what was going on. I didn't have time to worry about the future Pink...I was in the moment trying to get thru all the above.

You have the gift of insight as you mentioned that you're scared of being laden with a new born and a toddler for another 15 yrs. It's my guess this has been on your mind for a while...am I right? You also said; 'This too shall pass'. You're one up on me young one. I had no idea what was making me depressed and wanting to escape. I locked myself the door while in the bath for hrs as my mum and sisters tried to knock the door down fearing I would harm myself; it wasn't pretty. I had to go back to full-time shift work a couple of months later. Guilty much...you bet!

As Starwolf said in her bloody amazing post above, talking to a Social Worker might be just what you need to off-load face to face with someone who's trained to deal with you and your fears. This is my advice before you try and deal with things alone. My story is unique to me, as your's is to you. Please talk it out Pink...let everything you can think of out in the open. Rant, sob or scream with anger until the truth comes.

I had nobody...you have many, so take advantage of them to avoid my experience of having to deal with it yrs later in therapy..ok?

Thinking of you lovely...hugs for you and Mia...Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Hey Pink;

I created a new long post, but it was taken by the moderators. I think it was a little too descriptive. I don't have time atm to do another one, but will be back on-line later if that's ok. I'll watch my words and terms a bit better...sorry for this.

Sara xo

[Pinkmum]

Dear all, I just came back from special care visiting Mia. She is a fighter and all nurses complimented on how well she behaves and ready to suck on bottles. I feel so proud of her! Sara, you are a champion star! I think what you went through was incredible and to see the light at the end of the tunnel gives everyone courage and spirit to fight through difficulties. Everyone in the family commented on my 'easy one hour labor' and I should feel blessed about it. What they do not understand is depressed person does not like surprises, especially in painful situation. It WILL trigger anxiety. Like what Sara went through before and after birth. I planned my labour with my OB and Psychiatrist for nine months to have epidural, to have C section. None of that happened. I was told by nurses 'it's too late' without my OB by my side. I had painful labor with severe tear and lost 1L of blood. There was never a 'easy' labour to any female. And I am emotionally traumatized because of the event. Every other person will possible laugh at my cowardliness. But hey, health is not just a physical representation of well being. One of the nurses screamed at me during labor 'listen to me..xxxxxx' Well, I couldn't listen to anyone at that time. I nearly slapped her face 😛 Thank god I did not or otherwise I might have ended up in the street delivering Mia.

[Starwolf]

Good morning PinkMum...I'm sorry you had to go through this trauma. I hope it will mean that you will stay a while longer in hospital. This will allow you to rest while you are both being looked after.

I'm delighted little Mia is doing so well but concerned about your family's lack of understanding.

It sounds like they need to be informed about depression. Because its symptoms fail to make sense, the condition cannot be grasped by reason. It is difficult to understand for sufferers, even more so for those around them...so they can end up being most unhelpful. This "illogical" character, combined with general ignorance and emotions running high often make spoken attempts at explanations impossible. Printed info usually gets through better. Being compiled by professionals, it is more difficult to brush aside. It can be read and reread at leisure and without the emotional outbursts that can make face to face conversation so difficult.

Well done for asking your husband to read about supporting someone with depression. How about extending this to the rest of your family ? If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you'll find that printed into can be ordered free of charge (in the Get Support section). It could be handed over to your family. Returning home to look after both little ones will be daunting at times. It would be easier on you if the rest of the family has a better understanding of what you are up against. They may feel more inclined to help out.

It's OK to be scared. I'd be lying to you if I told you it is going to be a walk in the park. So please take good care of yourself and make sure you get the support you will need. It will make a huge difference.

I hope your boy is feeling better and can soon meet his sister. He must be very excited and disappointed to be kept away while recovering.

You are one brave woman, PinkMum...you have my respect and admiration.