How to not feel isolated and lonely??

[themadchatter]

Anyone got any tips on how someone can not feel so down anymore? I recently thought I had met the woman for me, but while I was staying at hers in order to get to know her she fell in love with another man and I had no where else to go so was forced to endure everything she did, how it made me feel while I was there. Now that I am back at home I am feeling very broken. I am wanting to feel better but I just don't understand how someone can put others through mental torture and she is the one who has found happiness in him and I'm the one feeling shattered. I try going for walks but my mind tells me what good is a walk going to do, when my thoughts are still going to be dealing with all this hurt and loneliness but just not at home. I just don't understand how it's fair she can put me through so many emotions, so many tears in a short space of time and she has someone now and I have no one to tell me I'll get through this...or tell me they love me. And now that she has him, I'm getting nothing but being ignored. No genuine concern for my wellbeing. Whereas I would never be able to inflict this type of pain on anyone

[Nikkir]

Hi Madchatter,

Thank you for reaching out to us, my heart breaks for you when I read what you have been through. Sometimes life seems so cruel and so unfair and you wonder how this could happen ? How can people be so heartless? I have not been in your situation as such but I was with someone who forgot to mention he already had someone and 2 kids, they had been together since they were 20 so you can imagine my role in the story:( What I love about what you said is that how could anyone do this, you would never do this so there is a very deep kindness inside you and so I know that you will get through this and hopefully find love or at least friendship again. They say time heals and it seems ridiculous because sometimes it does but sometimes it never does, its up to you and I agree its always harder when you are the last to know with no one to be by your side. I can tell you from experience it will make you stronger. Can I ask not that it matters much now but did you suspect anything ? or was the relationship going well? Do you think it is really over and she is truly happy? Either way you may never know or you may find out and it won't matter. You need to look after yourself don't let this ruin all that is good in you and don't let it consume you as hard as that may sound. Keep busy, do things that make you feel good and try not to reply conversations and ask why where possible because it will drive you mad. At least you know the truth sooner than later and no kids involved I don't think? Life can be so cruel but the challenge is to keep our integrity and the best revenge is to be happy. ( see im not as nice as you:) Best Wishes and thinking of you, reach out any time you want to and let us know how you are going or call us on 1300 22 4636. Nikkir x

[themadchatter]

Hello Nikkir

To answer your question I didn't suspect anything, before I even visited her we would talk on the phone and she would tell me about these guys who were messaging her and the reason she told me is to be completely honest with me and not keep secrets, they were pursuing her but I was under the impression she was only interested in me. I had no clue she was even chatting to this other dude or her having strong feelings for him. It was only after getting to her place that she told me about him. The relationship before I visited was so promising, we would talk a couple of times a day on the phone and when we weren't chatting on the phone then we would be texting or messaging each other. I loved her. Yes I do think it is truly over and she is happy. I don't really have much I can do to keep me busy and my mind focused off her and how I miss her and the rare fun times we had together...laughing, holding her in my arms and not wanting to let her go. No there were no kids involved

TMC

[james1]

Hey TMC,

Ah man that totally sucks. Like, really, it does.

I haven't been through the same thing but the feelings and questions are similar. After 4 years, basically got dropped and told she wasn't in love with me anymore so we should just completely stop talking. In my mind, it was really mean because I was struggling with uni pressures, struggling with family pressures and money pressures as well.

Afterwards, I just wanted to vent and rant and say everything I wasn't meant to say. If you feel there are things currently left unsaid, perhaps you can voice them in a letter then burn the letter. Or keep the letter and burn it later.

There's no escaping the horrible feeling of having your entire future just smashed apart. But keep talking. Is there anything perhaps that you would want to hold as a nice memory? I've had two 4 year relationship break ups and I try to remember the good things. Try to turn the feelings of loss into acknowledgement that both of you will change from this and have changed from knowing each other.

There's a song in Wicked called 'For Good'. I'm not sure if you've heard it before, but it's about two friends who have had a wild journey as friends/enemies, but now finally part ways as friends. And they are parting ways for ever. There's one section in there that I really like as a way to think about my relationships and friendships that have come to an end. It goes:

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

[pipsy]

Hi TMC. It really is so unfair and hurtful for her to lead you on like that. It seems she enjoys playing men against each other. The thrill of knowing the power she has. There are unfortunately many people who do enjoy this and often get a kick out of knowing they're hurting innocent people in the process. It possibly won't mean anything at this particular stage, but she will eventually meet someone she really likes and the same treatment from him will cut her deep. James had a great suggestion about writing her a letter in which you 'let her have it' with both barrels. Either keep the letter or destroy it, but that way you have the 'floor' and can say what you like. If possible also, could you return to the life you knew before you met her? Do you have any hobbies or interests? I realize that's almost 'mission impossible', but I was recently hurt in a similar way and I found to get past the betrayal I felt, the best thing was to do something I liked rather than focus on him and what he might be doing.

Lynda

[Nikkir]

Hey TMC,

Thanks for your reply, Oh I feel so sad that this happened and you didnt suspect and she actually tried to make it look like she was honest by sharing that other guys were messaging her. How nice to be so popular!!! when i read your message I was immediately angry and a few words came to mind but then I thought well I can't judge, you never know why a person does what they do and no one is perfect. I do feel you have been deceived but by what you are telling me, the affection and good times were real so for whatever reason she made this choice to go with this other guy. I can say one thing though when we treat people badly or we are selfish it always comes back on us, a bit like karma but more like you get what you give out. Not that it helps you but I guess what I am saying is " you deserve better, you deserve more." How you get your head around this and the memories I don't know, I read somewhere to think of the bad times everytime you have the sentimental flash backs. Time does heal, I just hope that your beautiful soul does not lose your trusting nature because there are alot of people who really do want love and are honest. There is a saying / poem and I read it once when I went through a break up and its called something like REASON/ SEASON/ LIFETIME - anyway if you google it, it may make some sense to you, it made me feel better. It goes on to say sometimes we are mean't to be together for a reason, or a season or a lifetime. It's not always mean't to be forever. I hope that you get the peace and love you deserve and I feel like you got some good advice from my fellow BB friends. Take care, we are here and you are not alone. Nikkir x

[themadchatter]

Thankyou James, Lynda and Nikkir for your replies. I had to do something this morning and that was cut off all contact with her completely. I deleted all traces off her from my Facebook account and sent her a text explaining why. This was a couple of hours ago and she hasn't gotten back to me...just like I thought she wouldn't. So somehow just got to put this behind me and move on...easier said than done. It's easy to remove her from the social network world...but from my memories and my mind not so much and it's going to be difficult to accept in the short term that I never meant anything to her, when I considered her a big part of me...basically she was close to my whole world...yes I sadly fall too quickly. Just wish I could forget in my mind as well

TMC/Damien

[james1]

Hey Damien,

It's good to hear you've tried to just close that chapter off. I don't know if she's gotten back to you since, but I think it's the best thing for your own mental wellbeing to just take time out for yourself.

I don't know whether you really meant nothing to her or not, but I highly doubt that was the case. People have various reasons why they choose to just cut off contact and many times that's because the other person did mean a lot, but because they didn't see a future, it was easier to just cut off contact. The memories will always stay, but they'll change from being bittersweet memories to just fond memories.

Anyway, it's good you're taking time out for yourself. After my break-up, my psych said this to me (paraphrased): the situation can be spun in two ways. one bad - that you won't have a future with this person. and one good - that you both had great respect and affection for each other, and you are both capable of loving and being loved.

You're absolutely deserving of love. It will come, but for now, the pain is very real 😞

[Nikkir]

Hi Madchatter,

Thank you for replying to our posts and looks like you got some great advice and similar experiences of pain and heartache. I think that was a good move deleting the facebook, it is really powerful in keeping the memories going which you do not want. You will get through this, keep busy stay focussed and have faith that better things are coming. Try to distract yourself when you go back down memory lane. And can I just tell you that as a psychology student our memories are reconstructed every time by our mind so basically they are not completely fact, we trick ourselves. Try to overide that memory or remember a memory that wasn't so good 😉

I wish you all the best, I have been there but don't have any answers except you deserve to be loved and happy and it won't come from her so its like going to a job everyday and not getting paid, because she is not going to give anything back it is a waste of time and energy.

Best Wishes and keep in touch if you feel like it 🙂

Nikkir x

[themadchatter]

Thanks Nikkir for your response. Some days it's going to be hard and some days it won't be. I guess am just overwhelmed by how quickly things evaporated into nothing. Went from her liking me alot to not talking to me within a space of two weeks. I appreciate the advice you've given

themadchatter