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Severe depression making me hate myself
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Hi, I'm 18 and struggling with severe depression, OCD, GAD and really bad social anxiety as a result of BDD. I have had bad anxiety for most of my life but it has gotten significantly worse these past two years, causing me to miss a lot of days of the past school year. I am on medication and have been to so many psychologists and psychiatrists sessions and everyone keeps telling me it will get better but I have been suffering for so long. I can barely go outside without feeling like I'm going to die because I get bad paranoia about people staring at me. I hate myself and my body so much, I feel like a big disgusting creature dragging itself around. My psychologist says that I can't rely on my thoughts but throughout my childhood, family members and friends have called me fat along with other comments like 'you have elephant legs' and etc. So I just don't understand why multiple people would say that about me if it's not true. I avoid mirrors at all costs and feel sick for the rest of the day if I catch myself at a bad angle on a reflective surface. When I feel extra bad, I like to feel sorry for myself because it makes me feel a bit better, but some days I feel like I'm too disgusting to even feel sorry for myself. I feel like I'm suffocating and everyday it's harder to find a reason to continue because no matter what I do I'm still stuck as myself
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Hi, welcome
I dont avoid mirrors, I talk to it, tell the guy in the refection that he's a good person, kind and caring. After doing that a few months every day it sinks in, confidence grows. And we are talking about our perceptions when we have anxiety and low self esteem. We've all seen people much bigger than us, maybe worse health issues and they aren't made fun of because they have the view "sticks and stones ....but words will never hurt me. So is that one answer to your struggles?- I think it could be. So number
1/ build up your confidence. But how? Well society has a lot of flaws so those with those flaws need to be ignored and not include them in your life unless made to, say a school/uni project thats groups you together. Be civil and every chance you get move away. This when mastered will prohibit nasty people from having an effect on you.
2/ Anxiety is a serious illness so needs to be treated as such but it is curable. There is a few things to do
- Try to separate anxiety from excitement, they both can feel the same
- Accept that after commencing practical ways you yourself can do, remember- stick with your rituals daily and it could take years to get there but I'm proof it can be done.
- Professional medical people likes psychs have their place, but the biggest impact will be made by you.
- Hobbies and sports. Hobbies are important- is there a hobby you excel at? Pursue it, when you become an expert your confidence will grow. When I was 18yo I took up model aircraft, after a few years others were coming to me for advice.
- Worry about the things you can change not what you cant. Overweight? if you worry then you wont lose weight. If you try to lose weight then you are making effort. Can you afford 20 minutes a day? Then walk fast for that time daily. Walk 10 minutes form why 20 minutes?, because thats the time it takes for your heart rate to rise then fal and stabilise- meaning your cardio will get fit and your metabolism will improve. We have to burn out fuel! Do that daily and reduce that extra biscuit and watch you trim up. Put ear plugs in and distract yourself. Walk the dog.
Finally, I was overweight when a teenager. I also had thick hair and dark complexion. Now, I'm 68yo and I'm not slim but I'm strong, my school friends are bald and some of them have had skin cancer. The moral of the story is- "I cried when I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet."
All this is a change in attitude approach that will change your life. I've got 2 threads below that I'd like you to read but you only have to read the first post of each, I hope you do, one might change your life.
Reply anytime and tell that guy in the mirror he is his best friend.
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/m-p/183891
TonyWK
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Leo,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling, what an awful feeling. Thank you for reaching out, we're happy to welcome you to the forums. TonyWK has given some brilliant advice, and I'm here to offer my own as well.
I've struggled with self-esteem throughout my life, and I'll say that generally it has been because of other people either making comments, or me remembering things that people have said in the past, or even me pre-empting what people might say. It's exhausting. I'd like to say that my self-esteem has improved since I've reached adulthood and that I'm content with my body now, and for the most part it has and I am, but sometimes that feeling does return and it brings me back to high school where I'd dwell so much on what other people thought of me.
Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are very intertwined. If we feel a certain way about ourselves based on thoughts we're having, this will manifest in our behaviours, and this works for both positive and negative thoughts. If you view yourself as beautiful, you may find that you will feel more confident, and your behaviours and attitudes will reflect this - it is possible to learn how to be unaffected by people trying to hurt you by picking on your appearance or personality.
I saw a video a while back that I'd like to share the premise of, as I think it relates a lot to your situation. It's about the concept of "letting go" of people's negative perceptions of you. A presenter picked somebody from the audience and said to them "you have blue hair". This audience member was very confused, as he was a brunette. The presenter began talking negatively about this audience member's "blue" hair, and went onto say that this would likely not affect him, as he does not actually have blue hair. This can be the same with negative opinions - if you know who you are, somebody telling you otherwise will not phase you. While this doesn't acknowledge the nuances of struggling with self-esteem and isn't a step-by-step guide on how to build self-confidence, it does put into perspective the power of knowing yourself such that you can be unaffected by negative comments about your appearance or personality.
I hope this helps, please feel free to continue chatting with us, we're here for you.
All the best, SB
