Scared, sad and lonely

[Ellie05]

Hello all,

It's been a while since I've posted on this forum. I found it to be such a lifeline when I can share my troubles with other likeminded people and not feel judged.

This time last year I went through a really bad case of anxiety and depression, which was triggered by job loss. I got a new job and whilst it was stressful it meant complete distraction from my deepest worries and allowed me to forget them and just focus on the day to day. I then decided to take some time out to travel as I was too exhausted from work. The two weeks leading up to my trip were so good and I was really happy, but I noticed I was really tired/lethargic as soon as I got to my first destination. This combined with headaches meant I isolated myself too much and began to dwell on all my deep seated fears and causes of sadness. I'm currently in transit (on my way to my next destination) and am locked in my hotel room crying. I'm so afraid of the anxiety and depression, it just seemed to come out of nowhere and take hold, sending my thoughts into a dark spiral. I just feel as though things are meaningless and I will never be able to lead a truely satisfying life. I feel badly about my appearance, my lack of accomplishments and most of all, my mental health issues, which scares me in that seemingly normal or even positive scenarios (i.e. travel) it just takes a hold and a I can't cope. I'm really reliant on my family as I love them so much and am unable to have a partner/kids of my own as dating is a real trigger. I really fear the ageing process as I don't want to lose them.

Anyway, I helps so much to be able to get this of my chest. Is there anyone else out there who just gets completely overwhelmed at times by irrational thinking and the poison of anxiety and depression? If so, is there anything you do to help yourself cope?

[Cornstarch]

Death is the big one for lots of people.

For me, no matter how many funerals I go to it doesn't get any easier.

Losing anchors, people that know you, shared bunkbeds with you, made sand castles with, the thought of them dying puts my anxiety up and up. I guess when we travel we're not anchored. And maybe you've experienced a death that shook you, so you keep referring to that, and the emotions of that time. If someone died suddenly or slipped away way too fast; it haunts you.

We become very vulnerable when a family member dies. Our judgment of other people can be a little shaky to say the least. And then when we're single and everyone around us has kids, and all the richness that that brings, it's hard not to get down.

I guess your scrutinising yourself right now i.e. your appearance and lack of accomplishments. It sucks.

I've never really been one for social anxiety either but totally get the mental health anxiety. It doesn't feel sexy does it. When I'm having a bad day, I just think; who would take me on? Seriously?

That's a bad day.

Can you run a bath or make a cuppa?

[White_Rose]

Hello Ellie

Welcome back. Glad you found posting here a place to share your troubles. Ah, the depression roller coaster, what a ride. The worst part is that you never see it coming until it gets dumped on you like a bucket of cold water. What you are experiencing is quite normal so do not beat yourself up too much. I went on a visit to the UK in 2010. First time I have not stayed with family the whole time and I lost it big time. Changed my return flight to an earlier one and stayed with an old school friend until I returned to Oz. What a disaster, expensive too.

As Cornstarch has said, you are out of your comfort zone, away from the familiar things in your life, dealing with the minor irritations of life with no one to talk to. Yep, been there. I find concentrating on the next thing to do is a great help. I imagine your general plans are organised but go over what you have planned and what you will see etc. Are you going to bring souvenirs back for family? Send postcards? Keep focussed on the next thing rather than looking too far ahead as this can trigger your anxiety more easily. Can you phone home?

That awful spiral, how it gets out of control in nothing flat. Do you take any medication and have you remembered to take it regularly? Sounds a bit grandma-ish, but I am a grandma so I am allowed. Missing meds can have a horrid effect when you are already stressed. Are you in Oz? If so and you continue to stress and worry see if you can visit a local GP. They may be able to help with some temporary meds. No I'm not keen myself, but it may help you to finish your trip and enjoy it.

Taking a couple of weeks away from work was a good idea for the R&R. I think maybe you were a little ambitious to think of travelling. Once you get stressed just a little the depression and anxiety swoop in and with no familiar surroundings it takes hold. This makes us incredibly tired because we experience all the stress through our bodies. Also when this happens we immediately default to self-blame and doubt. I know the place well.

What do you usually do when these feelings give you a tap on the shoulder? Concentrate on using these actions. You know you will feel better in a few days and this is what to look forward to. I am afraid of depression. A week ago I was happy. Went to see my GP who was so happy for me that she gave me a hug. Most unusual. Now I am back in the dark. Keep writing. I hope you are keeping a travel journal. Put in all the feelings as well.

Mary

[Ellie05]

Thanks for your reply White Rose. I'm not sure why I thought travel would mean all fun and adventure, I've experienced depression and anxiety when travelling before. I do take meds and it feels exactly like it does when I go off them but the weird thing is I haven't. The only change is that I started the contraceptive pill before I left so I wonder if this is having an impact. Usually what I do when I feel a bit down or lonely is go see a friend or family member. I guess since I don't have that option available to me it meant things were allowed to spiral. I'll make more of an effort to keep it touch with people back home. Talking to people is the best way to get myself out of my head. I'm starting a tour soon so if the other people are friendly I should be ok. Thanks again for replying - helps so much to talk it out.

[Ellie05]

Hi Constarch,

Thanks very much for your reply. I found the prompt replies from both yourself and White Rose very comforting. I meant to reply sooner but have had limited time/internet with the travel. I joined a tour which is great as it means lots of distraction - talking to people gives me instant relief as it immediately takes my mind from my depressing thoughts. I've never lost anyone suddenly or without warning before but when things get bad everything loses it's meaning aside from the love of family and friends, which is why I think I worry about losing them so much.