Sad, lonely and pushing away the last person I have

[Cookie2]

I've always been introverted and enjoy the company of animals over people, I tend to be anti-social, finding excuses to not participate in social events although most people think I am some sort of social butterfly. I have a tendency to be pessimistic yet for some reason people tend to come to me for support for their problems (which I like). I find it easy to be positive for everyone else but myself. I have been this type of supportive person since I was young - initially for Mum and my older brother who needed help due to issues in our own home (i.e domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc)... so I have grown up as someone who is a strong support for others, who never allowed my own vulnerability to show. I was the one who did well with sport and academics, who enjoyed learning and was assumed to be destined for success, etc so even I thought I was a strong person who didn't "need help".

The reality is that, I have a lot of self doubt, and I have been a miserable person and have had dark thoughts from a very young age. To be honest I am surprised that I have made it as long as 27. I am insecure most of the time, especially in relationships - and lately more than ever in my marriage. I feel that I have managed my sadness by having at least one good thing... friends/Mum/studies/sport/work etc... not always all at the same time. It is my birthday in a couple of days and upon reflecting on my life... I realise I am at my lowest point because I don't have ANY of those positive things keeping me afloat. I realised over the past 12 months that my friends don't like me all that much. I have stopped contacting them. I have no fitness activities or goals to keep me going like before, despite trying, no motivation. My role at work is unnecessary and I am considered as extra headcount that needs to be shifted elsewhere. I feel like a burden at work. I have a LOT of resentment for my mother for putting me in the position she did at a young age, which she STILL continues to do (she is still with my Dad and they are so horrible to each other).Then it leaves the last person, my husband, my 4 month old marriage, 3.5yr relationship. My biggest worry right now is that I am ruining my relationship with my husband and driving him into depression. I love him so much and I can't see a future without him, but I sincerely believe that he would find happiness with someone else. He could do a lot better, and he deserves much better.

 Don't know where to begin. I see no light.

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[geoff]

dear Cookie, under extreme pressure while growing up which was caused by your father, you were the rock of the family, doing well at school, sport and academics, but really you were beginning to falter.

Now you don't see your friends or they don't want to see you, which is what normally happens when we fall into anxiety and depression, and your resentment for your mum putting you through all of this, and for what reason, because she is still with her husband, your father, so it seemed just a waste of time.

We always have the thought that our partner/spouse would be better off with someone else, but in reality that would be devastating if it actually happened, because we would loathe that.

It's now time to look after yourself now, you're the one who needs the help, because you can't continue along the road you are travelling, because it will only became worse, and that's not fair for you, so I do suggest that you go and see your doctor, who will get the ball rolling.

It's in your own interest that you do this, as you don't mention any medication or counselling, so I would love to hear your thoughts on this. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Cookie

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

I’ve thought the very same thing so often – that I would much prefer to deal with animals instead of people;   and yet I don’t have the “up and go” to do something about it.

Isn’t it funny how awkward we feel on the inside in certain situations, and yet others perceive us to be something completely different.  I can understand your “finding excuses” not to participate, because my friends long ago stopped sending out invites to me, cause I would just come up with another excuse not to go.   However on the odd occasion that I did go, people would be hovering around and chatting with me, so my mask was on and shielding others from the turmoil that I was feeling inside.

It’s awful when anyone realises that their childhood was a very bad one and affected by someone they loved and thought that this kind of thing would never happen -  it’s just not fair.  I’ve read about it on this site on so many occasions and the fall-out from this can be absolutely huge and devastating.  Along with what Geoff suggested, have you had any counselling at all – or at the very least been along to see a GP about all of this?

It is a concern hearing that your marriage, which is just in its infancy at 4 months old is an issue for you.   Have you been able to share with your husband your concerns?  I also wonder if you posed the question to him, about him being able to do a lot better … I just wonder whether his response would really shock you, as I would believe that he’d come back with something along the lines of:  “Marrying you was the best decision of my life”, and that, “I’m the one that should be asking that question of whether you could have done better than someone like me”.

Cookie, there’s a few things to work through here, but I hope that we can try to assist you and above all, I do hope to hear back from you on this.

Kind regards

Neil