Really feeling it

[TinyJanet]

Hey everyone 🙂

I wanted to write on here because I spend so much of my day biting my tongue. My friends and family ask "how are you?" and I give an automatic bright smile and reply with "Great! how are you?"

I feel relieved to find an online forum where I can give an honest answer.

And honestly? I'm NOT okay. Not even a little bit.

I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm really hurt. I want to be around those I love, but I dont want to have to interact with them in any way. I get confused easily, I feel frightened all the time. I dont sleep - I just worry. Every night, my mind replays in alarming clarity everything I've ever done wrong and every hurtful event I've ever encountered. I arrive at work for my 9-hour shift exhausted but I keep going because right now, I'm the sole 'breadwinner' for my Fiance and I and everything relies on my ability to get the rent paid and put food in our fridge and cupboards. Albeit pot noodle and baked beans, at least we're still getting fed.

But I want to shout "STOP" and I want to go home - to bed - and stay there for about 3 months.

I want so badly to say I'm really hurting. To tell someone that I'm really unhappy. I feel so lost and so alone and I'm so stressed, strung out and under so much pressure that I literally think my head will explode. I feel desperate.

I really want to say to my friends - I'm broken and you dont have to fix me, just hold onto me. Hold onto me so that I dont fall apart and remind me that things are going to be better. Please just tell me that you still care, you still like me and although I feel like I'm losing my mind - you'll still be there when the smoke clears.

I'm at the stage where I'm so unhappy, I dont know how to get through today. I would rather...not.

It's 9am now...I have 8 hours of very stressful work at Reception until I can go home again.

How do I do this?

[giggles]

Hi TinyJanet

Your welcome and I am so happy you found it helped.I often need to tell me myself to be still while doing the breathing and it usually works for me.

Because I am a survivor and this has to be a regular thing for me when there is something going on that the breathing is not touching I found that I needed to write it out and sounds funny to me writing that but basically write it out to sort it out and out it popped.lol

Think I just did the Poet and didn't know it thing there.:)

From these experiences I have found that I am usually carrying just an old habit that needs to leave because it was not serving me anymore. this information is all over the net so it is not new.

all the best in finding what is going to work for you in your life I believe you will find something as we all do eventually I hope. I see it as putting your signature on it.

We have to continually work at it through the changes.

Even the professions have too they are no different.

giggles

[TinyJanet]

Hi Katy!

Thank you so much for writing to me and for your advice on breathing, I will definitely try it.

I hope that tonight surprises you in that you actually get a really great sleep - with good dreams, too!

I'm thinking of you and hope you get the rest you must badly need by now.

Big hugs xx

[TinyJanet]

Hi Giggles 🙂

Such a blessing to hear from you again - that you took the time to write to me means so much, you've made my day.

I totally understand what you mean about writing things down. I find that works best for me, too. I have an online blog on "blogger" and rant and rave a lot on there - and I find that once I get it from my head and heart to the screen, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Unfortunately, I can only really write when I'm mostly 'ok'. In the depths of despair that depression often brings, I can only stare blankly at my screen and watch the cursor blink at me.

I loved your poem and the line "I see it as putting your signature on it" really stood out to me. I think you should be a writer - you're so good at it 🙂

Hope YOU have a great day xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Janet (or TJ for short)  🙂

I'm sensing some positive things in your posts ... I hope I'm right.

How are you feeling?

Do you have anything planned for your weekend?

Kind regards

Neil