Really feeling it

[TinyJanet]

Hey everyone 🙂

I wanted to write on here because I spend so much of my day biting my tongue. My friends and family ask "how are you?" and I give an automatic bright smile and reply with "Great! how are you?"

I feel relieved to find an online forum where I can give an honest answer.

And honestly? I'm NOT okay. Not even a little bit.

I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm really hurt. I want to be around those I love, but I dont want to have to interact with them in any way. I get confused easily, I feel frightened all the time. I dont sleep - I just worry. Every night, my mind replays in alarming clarity everything I've ever done wrong and every hurtful event I've ever encountered. I arrive at work for my 9-hour shift exhausted but I keep going because right now, I'm the sole 'breadwinner' for my Fiance and I and everything relies on my ability to get the rent paid and put food in our fridge and cupboards. Albeit pot noodle and baked beans, at least we're still getting fed.

But I want to shout "STOP" and I want to go home - to bed - and stay there for about 3 months.

I want so badly to say I'm really hurting. To tell someone that I'm really unhappy. I feel so lost and so alone and I'm so stressed, strung out and under so much pressure that I literally think my head will explode. I feel desperate.

I really want to say to my friends - I'm broken and you dont have to fix me, just hold onto me. Hold onto me so that I dont fall apart and remind me that things are going to be better. Please just tell me that you still care, you still like me and although I feel like I'm losing my mind - you'll still be there when the smoke clears.

I'm at the stage where I'm so unhappy, I dont know how to get through today. I would rather...not.

It's 9am now...I have 8 hours of very stressful work at Reception until I can go home again.

How do I do this?

[Neil_1]

Hi TinyJanet  

How do you do this?  A brilliant question that you asked and you’ve partially created the first part of your answer … you’ve found this site, you’ve registered and you’ve come on and posted.  That takes an enormous amount from someone, especially as being a first time poster and from the sound of it, this seems like your first call for assistance.  I’m so pleased that you’ve done this and I hope (no, I KNOW) that you’ll receive good advice, warmth, care and most of all support from the other wonderful souls who respond here.  

The first thing that jumps out of me here after reading your message is that it seems that you haven’t sought out any professional help as yet.  And by reading your post it seems high time that you should seek this … and firstly through your GP.  Do you have a good GP that you have been to in the past?  If not, then on this site you can do a search for GP’s in your local area who specialise in mental illnesses and they would be an excellent option if the first option isn’t your best source.  

It sounds like you’ve been dealing this for so long on your own and I’m hearing exactly what you’re referring to, with regard to friends being able to just to hold on to you and to tell you that it’s ok, that it’s ok to feel this way and that things WILL get better.  They will, but we need to seek out appropriate treatment for you.  

It does sound so tough on you, being the sole breadwinner in your place … does your fiancé know of your troubles?    With your friends, is it possible that you could possibly choose ONE particular friend who you would feel comfortable in talking to them about how you’re feeling?   Perhaps you could do this, say, after your GP appointment?  

At this stage TinyJanet, it’s a matter of just moving forward with little steps.  Search out for little goals to help you through the day.  Try not to watch the clock … cause that damn thing moves so slowly if you happen to watch it.  Are there different aspects in your job that you can do during your shift … so that you can break them up and do one first, then another for a little while, etc?  I don’t know if I’m making any sense for you with this.  

So before I wind up getting into some incoherent rabble, I’ll send this post off to you … and hope that you were able to find something helpful in it … and when you feel able to, please post back to us.  

 Kind regards  

Neil

[TinyJanet]

Hi Neil 🙂

Thank you SO MUCH for responding to me. It was such a blessing to hear from someone and know I'm not alone. You gave wonderful advice and I'm so thankful for your kindness. That you took the time to write to me means so much, you have no idea.

I have a great GP and she has referred me in the past to a really great Psychologist. That was about a year ago. The problem being, I thought I was "all better" but seem to be sliding downward again.

I dont want to admit I'm not okay to those who know me because I'm scared it will mean hospitalisation again which this time 'round...I cant afford. It's my sole responsibility to work and to 'keep moving forward' for the sake of my fiance and I.

I just dont know how when my arms, legs and entire HEAD feels so very heavy. It's a struggle.

I will take what you said into account and stop watching the clock in the corner of my computer screen. My role is busy so the hours go by...it's just my depression that analyses each minute and makes it seem to last hours. My Fiance knows I'm "quiet" just now (usually, I make A LOT of noise and am pretty bubbly and friendly) and is doing his best at home to keep the house tidy as well as work so hard on getting a new job. It's a struggle for us both. Hard on my guy because he feels powerless and hard on me because I'm buckling under the weight of this responsibility when I feel so unwell, unworthy, unwanted and incapable 😞

Please write again soon, it helps so much talking to someone, you know?

big hugs,

Janet x

[Neil_1]

Hi Janet

I'm so pleased you wrote back and provided the detailed response that you did.  It really helps us to be able to know the situation and hopefully provide "ok" kind of advice.  I'm really happy as well that some of what I posted the first time was useful for you.

Ok, so you had a good professional help last time ... please please seek that out again.  You said last time the psych was really good for you.  That has got to be your first and most important appointment to make.  This will be a huge step forward and a positive one for you to Janet.  And I can really sense just with the two posts you've made that you are in a positive mind-set, despite feeling crap.  Seems odd that those two things can happen at the same time, but you're displaying that which is brilliant.

With regard to hospitalisation (that's a big word ... cause it took me three times before I got it right!) that's something we don't want for you now.  But is it possible to confide in a friend and to tell them that you've got "this and this" happening with you right now, and you could really use their support.  Just a ear to listen or a shoulder to either lean or cry on?  That would be so heaps beneficial for you right now.

With regard to your fiance, yes he'll be feeling powerless as for the large proportion of the general population they simply don't understand depression or mental illness.

If he can just understand that at this time you're going to need times when you'll need space, times when you'll need support, time if you could just possibly talk and vent (and please know that you can come here to do that as well).  A suggestion is for you to have a squiz on this website about information that relates to mental illness and support that carers could possibly give.  You could either get him to read it or print it out for him to read and hopefully better understand. 

I do hope that he's suportive of you ... and please Janet, do all the good things for yourself right now ... eat sensibly, drink lots of water and please make that GP/psych appointment.

I'm here, as are lots of others for you.  Post away as often as you feel like it.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Janet, lovely to have you on board.

Well I don't need to say that Neil has been the first connection for you on this forum and his advice is spot on, how can I add to his comments, so I will try to.

For some reason depression just slowly creeps up on us, so at first we think 'oh I'm so tired and lack of any lustre, but I will be better tomorrow, but this feeling tomorrow never ever comes it just gets worse.

At the moment you are trying to carry the world on your shoulders, but it's not working, it's too heavy and slowly you are collapsing, as the days progress.

The advice that Neil has said about going back and seeing your psychologist, well he's said it all, so I will just support him in everyway that's possible.

Can I just divert for one minute and say that he himself is still suffering from his own type of depression, and this also applies to all the other people who may reply back to you, but they have the fortitude to still reply, and that's brilliant for him and the rest.

You say that all you want is for your friends to say to you ' just tell me that you still care,' so out of any of them is there someone who has been a close friend for awhile who you believe that you LOVE as a friend, it's this person who you would believe would be your soul mate, so that you can actually sit down and open your heart to, and let the tears flow.

You really need someone to hook onto who will not be judgemental, and who won't take control of the discussion, because if they do it's by no way any good, they just have to listen to you, cuddle you hug you when the tears flow, that's the association you need, they need to listen to you.

I'm so pleased that you have found this site, because every one of the people on this site who respond know exactly what depression is and what it does to you, so please take advantedge of their experience and their knowledge.

I hope that you can reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[giggles]

Hi TinyJanet

Well done writing and I know exactly how you feel from my experiences. Unfortunately depression can be a life time thing for some people and it may appear to subside for a few months and we feel fine. So the thoughts and feelings can be elusive and pop up at any stage of our life. Because I have learnt this over years of dealing with it on a personal level I have picked up some great strategies and I believe you will too.

However the best thing you can do is as everyone else has given with their advice is speak up and choose who you would like to work with for your depression.

Don't worry too much about others judging I know what that feels like too I have learnt to accept that it was my life time thing not theirs. 

I hope you can get away somewhere to recover because that basically is what you need to be able to do. Recover to the point that you feel able to cope with your everyday things.Off course I know it may not be possible for this especially if you are the sole income earner. But hopefully you may do something special for yourself once you get the professional help as well.

If you feel people are judging you I found it really helpful to think "Where are they coming from to be like that towards me.?" My answer is usually that they actually have no idea what to say.

Depression is very real as we are all telling you and I believe it is there to guide us to have a closer look at something that has slipped past us unconsciously.

Let us know what you discover about yourself as you go along but there are no quick fixes in my experience we need to keep at it and learn what our thing to cope will be. No one can tell you what to do because you are in charge of your life.We know where to get help but as far as how you make it yours is just that yours. Own it in your special way.I fall on creativity and breathing.The breathing has helped when I feel stressed with anyone or anything and once I do that I feel a change in me and I relax loads and can then feel more comfortable with what is happening bit simple hey but doesn't cost me much to breath.lol

All the best and thumbs up for writing.

Giggles

[TinyJanet]

Hi Neil 🙂

Thank you again for writing to me, it blesses me so much to hear from you. I have browsed the 'beyond blue' site quite a bit just lately and can see you've reached out ot so many and shown kindness, compassion and care when you yourself are going through such a heartbreaking time. You are absolutely lovely.

I have called my psych who was more than happy to help me and we've booked in a phone counselling session for Monday so that I dont have to take time off work but that someone can be on the other end of the phone line when I completely fall apart.

Right now, I'm feeling ugly, unwanted, and like a huge pain in the a** to everyone around me. I want everyone close, but at any suggestion of time together, I get scared and say "uh no thank you" then feel heartbroken at being so alone. Like you said, it's an ambiguous state of being - well enough to go on and not so depressed that I cant see the good things around me...but still disconnected in so many ways and most of it is my own doing. So frustrating.

Anyway, thank you for your kindness. I cant believe I'm able to share my thoughts and feelings with such a wonderful person.

You've made my day, thank you xx

[TinyJanet]

Hiya Geoff! *big smile*

oh my gosh, thank you SO MUCH for responding to my post. I opened up 'beyond blue' today and was so happy to know you, Neil and 'giggles' had written to me. I feel so blessed to know I'm not alone and that there are wonderful people out there who understand, wont judge and will be great sounding boards when I honestly feel like I've gone mad.

You're right, I really do need to talk to a beloved friend who wont be judgemental but I cant seem to break past the wall of doubt and fear I've built for myself. Instead of calling a friend or texting them "Hey, I'm really struggling just now - can I call you?" I decide on their behalf that they are busy, they have enough to work on in their own lives and I am just a burden...so my phone gets untouched and I stay awake all night worrying and crying.

What a mess.

Thank you though for writing to me, you have no idea how much it means xx

[TinyJanet]

Hi Giggles 🙂

when you said you hope I can get away somewhere to recover, I could have hugged you on the spot because that's what my entire being longs for - just some rest. Even an hour of undisturbed sleep would be heavenly right now.

Creativity and breathing sound like good places to start, too 🙂 at first I read your comments and thought "breathing? what?" but then I stopped to examine my own behaviour and have realised that when I'm scared/depressed - which I am A LOT lately, I hold my breath. I guess I'm holding it because I'm waiting what's out there - the fears and worries I have of being 'not enough' that haunt me daily. Sometimes hourly. So you're right - it is actually important to be aware of breathing.

Thank you for writing to me, I am so blessed to know someone is out there listening, you know? xx

[Katy100]

Hi Janet,

I find breathing a great resource.  I'm depressed and insomniac ... so lying in bed at night is not a happy thing.  I turn the radio on to occupy my mind ... and I lie down on the bed and practice breathing techniques.  

One is to breathe for five ... breathe in while counting regularly to five, hold for five, breathe out for five, hold for five.  

Another is deep breathing ... breathe in for as long as you can, breathe out for as long as you can.  

Another idea for insomnia is to start at your feet ... flex and relax the big toe, then all toes, then the sole, then the heel ... and then work your way up the rest of your body.  Flexing and relaxing all the way.