"you have no friends, nobody loves you"

[MisterM]

"you have no friends, nobody loves you"

How does one not get affected and feel hurt where their own mother says this to them? 

My mum just said this to me after an argument. 

[Zeal]

Hi Mister M,

That is a harsh and hurtful thing to say. If it was during an argument, there is a good chance that your Mum didn't really mean it. People can get riled up and say dramatic or overly hurtful things they don't actually mean, and then regret it later. When the two of you are both in a relaxed mood, tell your Mum that what she said offended you. Try to talk calmly, and don't place blame on her or criticise her. The key thing is to make her understand that her words hurt you. Hopefully she will retract the statement.

I hope you and your Mum can work this out,

SM

[pipsy]

Hi MisterM.  So sorry for what your mum said to you.  We all say hurtful, cruel things we don't mean in the heat of anger.  We don't mean to, but human nature being what it is, it happens.  Maybe when she's calmed down you can discuss why she said it.  There are a hundred reasons why people hurt people.  The only problem is, she may not want to discuss it.  If she doesn't, unfortunately, you may have to accept it.  If that happens (God forbid).  Try to forgive her and remember she may have been in emotional pain when she said it and discussing it could reopen the wound.  Give her time.  Sometimes when we're upset/angry we hurt the ones nearest to us without meaning or wanting to.  We lash out at whoever's there.  You may have just been a sounding board, on the receiving end of whoever/whatever upset her. 

[MisterM]

She never cares and never apologises.
It won't do anything to let her know.

She has said this before to me in moments when there was no argument.

It gets to me because it is true.
I only have one friend.

[lookingforme]

Hi MisterM,

I have a mother like that too, she doesn't need anger to say hurtful things. With my Mum though, if I bring it up, she looks shocked, like she can't believe she would ever say anything like that. Denies it even. Gets angry with me for bringing it up even. I'm left to feel whatever it is I feel afterwards...

The number of friends don't count, I think. I know someone who has so many "friends" and is unhappy. If you find your friendship in the one person is strong, then the number doesn't count. I think anyway. I have two. 

[MisterM]

Yeah my mum can never remember saying hurtful things.
I have one friend only, we have been good friends for 13 years and always feel happy chatting and catching up.
The thought of us ever drifting apart or not being friends anymore or falling out terrifies me all the time.

[lookingforme]

If you feel good with that friend, then that's great, it's a great thing to have.

I would try and comfort you from feeling that terror by telling you that you have some control over the relationships you have.  So, if you don't want the friendship to end, it won't necessarily happen if you work at it.  That's what I tell myself I suppose.

[pipsy]

Hi MisterM.  I have to wonder if your mum has Bipolar where she has 'high's and 'lows'.  When they have this illness, they are not really aware of what they've said or done.  Has she ever been assessed?  Could you discuss it with her/your G.P?  If that is the case, there are medications that help to control these mood swings.  It's also possible she is in the early stages of Dementia.  If she is simply being 'mean', you may have to look at leaving home.  I know how drastic that sounds, that would be a last resort.  Is she violent?  There are so many things that could be causing these outbursts.  Is there a trusted family member you could talk to that might be able to shed some light on her behaviour.  Can I ask how old is your mum? 

I know how hard it is for you, she is your mum and you don't want to be disloyal.  You have to think of your health, also bringing friends home is difficult.  You have friends with BB, they are always there for you in your darkest times. 

[MisterM]

Hi Pipsy,

I don't think she has bipolar, she doesn't have mania from what I can see.
I think it's just depression/anxiety with her.
She's teary and negative a lot of the time but then she has okay times when she doesn't attack me.
My older sisters used to tell my dad to take her to a psychologist when I was a child many years ago.
There is no way she would listen to me.
She's been this way for years, I don't think it is dementia. She can't recall things she did and said when I was a child/teen when I brought it up then.
She used to be violent when I was a child, I am too big now to be hit.
My dad and sisters and their husbands all know she's not quite right.
I can talk to one sister, the other defends my mum and is her best friend just to get childcare out of her so I can't talk to her, we are estranged anyways.
My mum is 65.

I tried to move out many times, recently I tried to but still unemployed so can't go anywhere.
My psychologist, psychiatrist, former boss, brother in law, and friend have kept saying I need to move out to have a proper life, I just couldn't afford it when I was working as my pay wasn't the best.
I have a mortgage.
If I had a girlfriend I would have moved out with her into our own place but sadly that's not the case for me. I desperately want to get away from my mum and this depressive environment at home but financially won't make it alone.

[MisterM]

I was doing okay being on medication for 3 months now.
But yesterday she really has sent me back in a low mood.
I forced myself to go on a bike ride and couldn't stop thinking about it.
That and being unemployed and having given up applying for jobs has put me in a bad mood.