I became depressed around a month ago. Working night shift and getting as little as 4 hours sleep in 3 days bought my repressed subconscious thoughts from years ago to the surface. The love of my life who left me, left me feeling gutted. It doesn't matter that she ticked most of the traits of a sociopath, I adored her, l always will. This coupled with being now years later middle aged and realizing that l have very little and have wasted years.
Not addressing asocial behavior years ago has it's cost. The depression is ridable, it's not the first time, I know not to throw in your job. The freight train in the face for what I have wasted is stunning. Youth, time to develop, experience life, really enjoy life and stack bricks financially for comfort in older age.. wasted.
It's been an interesting month. All these emotions awakened. Where I was cutting out drinking, I have been drinking heavily just to get to the next day, thats ok, whatever it takes. When I thought I was finally coming out the other side, I wasn't. I started researching how to gas myself in my car.
Now I don't know if this roller coaster is slowing or not but I know when it does I have to change things. Falling back into a semi depressed comfort zone is toxic. Depression can be a wake up call, almost a rebirth, thats great except we retain our negative thoughts, our subconscious to haunt our dreams and impede our future.
One help I found is the Internet, there are guides for everything including videos, articles for say positive thinking. I've started, it feels like a foreign language but if even a little sinks in thats good. I no longer want to feel like a reactionary victim. I hope someone gets some worth out of my post.
