Pls help-I have to "act normal" but I'm nowhere near it

[Mares73]

My family has no understanding of mental illness apart from my husband telling me its all ok & why am I worried-to my mother saying get it together, the past is gone and you need to be grateful for what you've got. I am grateful. The difficulty is having an illness surrounded by so much stigma and lack of support. The darkness is so consuming. I often think if I had a serious physical illness or impairment that people would go out of their way to help. But having depression-i feel treated as though I created the illness and its not even defined as an "illness" by so many people. My family see it as a weakness and my mothers only input is that perhaps I inherited my fathers genes. This is insulting as my father was a very abusive alcoholic who denied he had a problem and the guilt of the abuse I experienced as well S the lack of will to live eventuates in him chocking on his own vomit whilst intoxicated. I don't drink and I have a open, giving, caring personality compared to my father who was selfish in every way. I'm rambling. I guess I just needed to know someone cared about how I felt as I feel so emotional and overwhelmed. My husband has left me a huge pile of research he needs analysed and typed up today and I'm so so tired and don't know how to get through it. My mother wants to meet for coffee tomorrow as I've let her down twice and she says I need to get out of house as I basically haven't left it for over 2 weeks. She makes me anxious as she will meet me. Say hi then say her usual "come on we are going to have a good day, don't think or talk about how your feeling) and then we just walk around a shopping centre for few hours. It's getting so so hard to go out. I'm so low I just want to be locked away in the house. I'm afraid of everything and everyone. I don't know what to do. I know things I need to do are piling up and my tendency seems to hide in a book on an average day or sit in despair waiting for time to pass on others. I never ever believed this could happen to me. I had experienced so much trauma (as you can read in my earlier posts) yet for so long I was such a high achiever. I had senior management positions from the age of 25 and I commuted to work an hour each way to the centre of Sydney with my young children on the train who attended child care near my work. Then one day I realised I'd been crying all week and felt similar feelings to those I experienced after the birth of my daughter. I just quit work and have spend last 6 yrs battling my depression and anxiety as though it were a full time job. I'd really like to help other people so I'm hoping to find some volunteer work in mental health or cris areas. But unfortunately Beyond Blue doesn't need any volunteers, Lifeline requires potential volunteers to undertake an intensive program which is quite expensive and also involves intensive training and monitoring on top of the course. I was also considering retraining as a paramedic, emergency call operator, parole officer or something where I'd feel that I was making a positive contribution to society. There's also MissionBeat & places like the Wayside Chapel that I guess I could contact. I know rationally that my two biggest problems at the moment are 1) my fear, lack of motivation and vulnerability about leaving the house and 2) the follow on effect of isolation, loneliness & self hatred thoughts that result from being stuck with my own thoughts & lack of interaction with others. My biggest challenge right now is getting the courage & self esteem to leave the house (despite fears that others can see my vulnerability and judge me). Closely linked to this is that by leaving the house I also challenge my self hatred and isolation and may find that going out can be enjoyable which would challenge my sense of isolation and loneliness. The main issue is do I keep waiting to "feel ready" to go out or make contact with old friends or do I realise there will never be a "right time" and I just have to start to take action and stop thinking so much? I'm worried I'm putting myself in a darker place and maybe there are ways of thinking that are more helpful? I really feel trapped and alone with my thoughts. I would really be grateful for any suggestions as to how I can possibly help myself-especially given I have no other family, friends or medical support. Thanks for reading-I'm always so surprised that people even bother to read my posts. I don't feel worthy of support or taking anyone's time. So I can't explain how much it means to me when you respond. L e Mares

[R_]

Hi Mares,

i'm new having only just registered and am suffering from a lot of similar issues to those you describe, which I may pluck up the courage to talk about on here in due course. I just wanted to know that I read your post and I can empathise with a lot of it, that you have a voice and people will listen even though you may hfeel unworthy or alone. No man is an island and a problem shared is indeed a problem halved. these arent empty platitudes, they are the truth. I know its so hard to face it and its hard to talk, to open up but just by posting here you are a step ahead of me. I know the black dog and the troubles it causes, almost watching yourself live rather than actually living yourself. I have been recommended to this site by someone who found it of great use. I hope it is for you too

R

[anxiousguy]

Hi Mares. I understand what you are saying about your family not understanding mental illness. I have the same problem and for this reason I don't tell my family about me currently seeing a psychologist for anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It just complicates things. I know this from telling them in the past. People assume that if you have your arms and legs and can walk then everything is alright and you've just got to buck up. Like yourself, I have had good jobs and now cant believe that my life is consumed by fighting a mental illness. I think volunteering sounds like a good idea. This will get you out of the house to help fight off thoughts of isolation and loneliness. Maybe something that isn't to overwhelming. It sounds like lifeline may possibly be too overwhelming at this point but would be a great goal further down the track. With volunteer work you could have more control over the number of hours so you could just start with a smaller number of hours and then build up. Decisions about paid careers are very hard when confronted by a mental illness so I think a manageable amount of hours voluntary work would be beneficial. Re your old friends, I think its best to not worry too much. Just focus on yourself. True friends understand people have their own problems and struggles in life. I have a friend I never really call now. I am just not up to interacting with him. You have got to look after yourself and concentrating on others can take any energy you have away from yourself.

[Jos]

Hi MAres,

I can totally relate to what you are going through, survived and my best friend is now a 'white dog' not the 'black one'.  I too was highly functioning with job, family, pressure etc, always a perfectionist, putting everybody and everything else first and underneath though fairly sensitive.

When I 'fell' I got to the point of spending my whole day fighting with the negatives, knowing only too well how I should think, this led me to not go out, not answer the phone, and also hide from my children (locked away in the bedroom), I had never experienced the depth of despair that I felt, I made a passing comment to my mother when we went shopping in the early onset that I felt soulless and that is truly the only way that I can best describe it.  I had and have everything going for me, at that time of course the negative self would appear and re-in force my guilt, all the negatives about my self were consuming me.

What finally helped was to think of today only, if I looked ahead to the next day I was consumed by my fear (false 'e'maginings attacking reality) I knew it would be the same day repeating itself, another Groundhog Day).  I too felt how easy it would be to have a physical illness and often wished it upon myself, to be terminal would at least have ended my misery.

Now I'm starting to waffle..... Anyway I refused to think ahead and whenever I caught the negative I would say to myself 'no expectation' and day by day I felt myself get stronger and now feel more balanced than even before the 3 years of struggle.

I think you need to make sure you put yourself first, with the support of your husband, re the current workload perhaps engage a temp. Agency or palm off to someone else.  You sound if  you may be becoming overwhelmed and this is the last thing you need.  You need to take care of number one.  I too have thought of volunteering, it's almost as if we have or are going through a turning point in our life where we need to truly connect, but all in good time, you need to 'really' be able to smell the roses and 'hear' the birds...and don't worry about your mum's reaction, she doesn't understand what you are really going through, that's where this site is so beneficial, there is no judgement.  Anyway who cares what someone says when we know it's not true, don't let it affect you...

Wishing you all the best....Josephine 🙂

[geoff]

dear Mares, all posts are worthy of reading and replying to, because this illness has such an enormous impact on our lives, unbeknown to those who have never had it.

Being dragged around the shops by someone couldn't be any worse, as their believe is that this will suddenly cure us is unrealistic.

Your idea of helping others is a generous offer and one that no one wants to do unless money comes into it.

I remember once that I saw my psychologist at the local basketball centre where our sons were about to play a game, and I was feeling terrible, so she asked me how I was, so I started telling her but was cut off and she said we will talk about at our next meeting, because she wasn't getting paid.

Besides all the organisations you have mentioned there are other places which need someone to talk to, like the hospital and sometimes I would just wander from room to room, depending on how mentally strong I was, as there as so many people suffering from depression, a lot complain, but this could be the beginning of their own depression.

Nursing homes are the same, or any soup kitchen, or what about a school but you would have to obtain an authority from the headmaster after they do a police check, but many of us were depressed at school and it would be quite easy to find someone who is standing by themselves, so this would be an indication. L Geoff. x