Past few months have been difficult

[Fernz]

Hi

So in June of this year I stopped taking my anti depressants. I was on and off for 3 years and I just wanted to get it out of my life.

Ever since I stopped I've been gradually spiralling down. And I know that's what happens but I don't even catch myself most days. My approach for my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression was to meditate and breathe and that kinda stuff.

This week I've been extra depressed. I just don't care about anything, I can't be bothered, I don't have energy to do anything. And it's definitely bringing me back to years ago when I was at my lowest point in my depression.

And I haven't gotten better since. Like things have improved and whatever but I haven't changed overall. Anyway so the issue is I went on a bender (alcohol, drugs that I have never done before). And I cheated on my boyfriend. He and I have had issues with this in the past. But it came out of nowhere.

I just wasnt thinking. I don't feel like myself. I don't have any enjoyment for anything. Its like the past few days I've transformed into someone else. Like someone has taken over my thoughts and actions and I've just been watching the entire time.

I don't know why this started. I have been in a bit of a limbo stage because I recently graduated and now I'm just floating aimlessly until the next thing. But I don't know what I want.

I'm just racked with guilt and shame and frustration. And now my boyfriend broke up with me, or taking a break, or whatever is happening. Which makes sense. I just want to be at peace. I don't know why I've been acting like this lately. It's out of character. It isn't me. I don't know what to say or think. I'm really upset that I ruined my relationship by doing stupid things. But it's like I just don't care. Deep down i do but it's easy to ignore it.

I don't want to take medication again. I don't think it would help with this. Especially since I've come this far.

[BballJ]

Hi Fernz,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read what you are going through but well done for positing your story and reaching out for help.

I read through your post and I can understand how tough everything feels at the moment, I know you said you graduated, was that university or high school? Are you currently looking for employment or planning to study? I ask because you said you are in a limbo stage which is ok as most people go through this stage when the graduate. Do you have any plans for your future at the moment?

I understand you have stopped taking anti depressants which is your choice and no one here will tell you what to do, I just want to ask, are you currently seeing your GP about all of this? In the past have you ever spoken to a psychologist about everything you are feeling? Just trying to get a gauge so we can offer you the best advice possible.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Fernz!

Really glad you've posted on the forum. It's a great start to try and connect with us. Regardless of whether or not my advice is useful to you, I'd love to hear more about yourself, if you feel comfortable sharing.

Getting to it: I've gathered from your post that at this point in your life, there are several things contributing to an increase in your feelings of depression. One positive is that in the majority of cases, treatment of depressive symptoms using drugs only lasts as long as drugs are used, so the attitude to move past medication and onto other solutions can hold some very good and long-lasting outcomes. However, as you have been reliant on medication for some time, consulting a doctor may be necessary.

From what you've written, the point of your life as a graduating student (be it highschool or university) can pose a state of uncertainty, and an onset of stress that is often alien to us: being the ambiguity about the future. This can be challenging and difficult to understand. We respond to stress individually, and very differently. Some people can be tense, on edge, and experience higher levels of anxiety. In your case, the behaviour you have mentioned (new drugs, alcohol, and fornication) may be impulsive responses to the stress you're experiencing, as different ways of coping.

Impulsive behaviours can often have the consequence of leaving us feeling regretful, which can be frustrating if we already felt depressed!

Not feeling like yourself, and a desire to be at peace again, may be explained by this uncharacteristic behaviour.

My advice is to conceive of the state you're in (depressed/carefree, confused about what you've done) as a response to the new form of stress in your life. This interplay of impulsive actions and feelings of depression can be frustrating, and leave us feeling confused about ourselves. Still, this can be worked through once understood.

Seeing a psychologist to map this out further may prove useful.

Hope I was able to help. Please feel free to reply if you'd like to talk or share more with me.

- FC

[geoff]

hello Fernz, welcome to the site and I'm sorry that so much has been going on for you, and once something starts then everything else will jump on board, only to multiply how you are feeling.
No one can tell you to go back and begin your medication again, however from what you have told us your life has only fallen for the worse, and I'm sorry to say that, but I have to be honest when replying.
You went on a bender because you were unable to think clearly, that's what happens in depression and that's why it's encouraged for people to take their medication, and I know that when someone takes their med's that it doesn't improve their lifestyle immediately, it didn't for me, but then I may have got even more dysfunctional if I wasn't taking them, that's what I didn't want to find out.
Perhaps I could suggest that a change in medication maybe able to help you, remembering that not all AD suit everybody, people are different and what helps someone may not help another person, that's how confusing the human body is, so I wonder whether this is something to consider.
You've hit rock bottom, you can't go any lower, so you have to get out of this trough and maybe another AD maybe what you are after. Geoff.