Numb

[Notmyself]

Its a strange wave of emotions you get when depressed. 

I didn't cry yesterday, must have been the first day in over a month! Although I was close. 

I felt numb, so numb, like UGH I just give up, you win take me. You've consumed every part of my life and haven't shown any signs of leaving. TAKE ME!! 

Think about all the reasons you should try to be positive, my mum, my dad, brother, sister, grandparents? My dog and Most importantly My little 3 year old Nephew, oh boy if a child like that can't make you feel better nothing will. He is the main reason for any smile or happiness I have these days! He's a magical little boy. 

You notice none of the reasons are your self. Not one says try stay positive for YOU! Why the hell bother!!! 

It feels like your being kicked when your down over and over again. Mostly by the people YOU LOVE! and this horrible illness that has consumed you gives you the belief the world is against you!!! 

Tease me about it, give it your all! If you cant understand me your not worth knowing! Support and Love is what I need! Not people going on about Oh cheer up, go out have fun, forget him, forget it you'll feel better, blah blah blah what the heck do you know!!! Spend a day inside my head and tell me all these things will help!!! 

One thing that I find truly helps me battle this beast is working out...... When im at the gym, my worries are halved, im focused on beating personal bests..... being better than the day before. But the second I leave.... I fall into this massive black hole and get swallowed up. 

Just a random vent this morning. 

x

[amamas]

Hi LPaige

I'm sorry I only just saw your post now.  Bugger of a thing isn't it!!

You're right no-one else does know what's going on in your head so it's great that you had your vent on here.

I have a very special nephew in my life too, I find it's a very unique pretty amazing relationship - I love it!

I'm glad you find exercise so helpful.  Have you tried ways to express how you are feeling?  Like journalling (you write very well), art expression (that's one of my favourites just letting all those feelings out on a blank piece of paper or canvas, just free and letting loose) or dance therapy - I haven't done this one myself but it's apparently really effective.  

Please let me know how you are doing..

Cheers amamas

[Notmyself]

Hi Amamas, 

Thanks you for your reply. 

It's so reassuring to have people that do understand message me. 

I have a very unique bond with my nephew too, he seems to take me away to a place where everything seems good!! Most of the time were painting or playing ninja turtles! It's nice to be care free for a moment. 

I just started writing a journal..... Perhaps a best seller!! It's just got a lot of random thoughts  written exactly how they come in to my mind and just as erratic ! I write it all down and when I'm feeling somewhat sane I open it and read everything I wrote! Somehow it helps! 

I just don't know how to overcome the constant feeling off wanting to cry, I cry cry till my eyes are puffy and red and hurt. It's like I'm a scratched cd just skipping over and over again same thoughts same feelings I can't get past the track and it has quite rapidly if late taken my whole life. 

I've lost just over 7kg in the last 3 weeks and find my self forcing myself t eat a handful of almonds!!!! 

I can sit and go completely numb for moments and then I pop back into reality like waking up in the morning but I have no idea where those moments went of what they consist of just comely blankness. I'm in a hole. 

I find my self struggling more and more every day. 

Thank you for your help! 

LPaige 

[amamas]

Hi LPaige

Great to hear back from you!

Aren't nephews the BEST!!  I find the same as you it takes me out of my pain for a while and often soooo much fun!!

Thats so awesome you've started journalling.  I just thought of another thing.  Have you got a blog?  I've started one recently and I find that so helpful!!  It's like a journal only I find it feels like it's getting it out of me a little more because it's out there.  Probably just my weirdness there.  If you don't have one and would like to try it out theres posts on here about how to go about it.  I'm pretty useless on computers so I won't even attempt to advise you there.

An idea I read somewhere about crying (I'm not there yet still very blocked so I haven't tried this myself)  is that you plan for your cry.  Sounds very weird I know.  But you plan to allow yourself the crying time and you plan something special to do after.

So you might say ok Paige you're really sad and you need to have a cry and that's ok.  But this morning the crying is only for 1 hour and then I'm going to the gym for a good workout followed by that totally awesome movie I've been hanging out to see.

Something like that anyway.  If you try it I'd love to hear how it goes.

Are you going to therapy?

Take care and keep posting

cheers amamas