None of my friends and family ask how I am going

[MisterM]

I feel so unworthy, like I don't matter, like noone cares.
None of my friends and family have asked how I am going with my depression.
I feel so alone. Anyone here have the same experience as me?

[Aaronsis]

Hi MM

I know it is hard and feels like you are an impose on people's busy lives, but ..you have to give them the opportunity to say no, by asking...and when you do...they might just say yes...there is no harm in just a quick text or call to say hey, I am not doing so great at the moment and could really use some support, do you think you could spare a coffee and a chat with me....they may not be able to and that is fine...but they may just say yes. I know it is an awkward place, to have to reach out to people, especially when you feel like a burden, but you are not a burden and I think you will see this if you give people the chance.

I hear that you would love your own home and own family, please don't discount this for yourself. Just because it has not happened yet does not mean it will not. I can hear how much pain and sadness it brings to you when you look at your friends and see them living the life you so very much want. Please try...and I really know this is so very hard, but not to compare you to others, we are all different and things happen at different times for different people. You are doing things to increase your social circles and this is great and a wonderful start.

See, I would have never thought that my life would be as it is today, from the person who doesn't know me I seem to have a perfectly happy life and I have kids and a home and am a typically happy and bubbly person. But to those who know me they know I am not exactly like that....so I guess I am saying try not to get caught up in what you think other people have and are is so very perfect, we all have our battles and things are not always as peachy as they look. Also just as I was once married and seemed to have it all, now I am divorced and somewhat a mess...lol..so yeah, things change all the time MM..they really do.

Hugs

Sarah

[MisterM]

Thank you Sarah.
Sorry to hear about your divorce and that you are doing it tough. I hope you find love again.
I've been like this for over 10 years, I feel it won't ever change and I am stuck.
Everyone says I need to move out of home. One of the things that holds me back is the shame and embarrassment of having nowhere to go to socialise, any future housemate or housemates would think something is weird about me and they'd get annoyed I never leave the house so they can have their friends or family over. I'd feel like I am in the way by not having anywhere to go.
Hugs to you too.
MM.

[White_Rose]

Hello MisterM

I have been reading your posts here and Sarah's responses. I would like to make a few observations. Hope this is OK with you.

You are struggling with depression which is what many of us also struggle with. It is indeed a bad place to be which is why BB is so good. You can chat to those having similar experiences and pick up a few management tips as well as encourage others. At the moment I think you are not ready to encourage others which is a pity. It's been my experience that when I concentrate on other people and how I can help them my world changes from black to at least grey. This can be an option for you to reach out to others.

I first became depressed in 2000 and found it horrifying. I saw a psychiatrist twice a week for a long time because he was so concerned about me. I was also suicidal and had a stay in hospital. I do not like to remember those days because it was all so dreadful. However it does provide a base line for comparison when ever I feel a bit down. Can you think about your depression and ask yourself where you are in comparison to ten years ago?

I'm not talking about being out of work etc though this does contribute quite significantly to your depression. What is your energy like these days, can you sleep better, do you have options to keep busy and productive, what other things have changed?

You feel lonely because no one speaks to you and I can empathise with that. You have found activities that you do on your own and thereby put yourself out of the way of being with others. No matter what you think others will say, being in the company of others makes an enormous difference. It's that need we have as homo sapiens to be with others and when we do not make time for it the result is a feeling of alienation.

I see you want to return to uni but already have a HECS debt you cannot service. I am certain this must add to your feeling of hopelessness. You are the only person who can change your life. We can give lots of help and suggestions as indeed Sarah has done so. You have excuses for not doing any of them. Mainly I think you want a social life without working on it. Sorry if that is too blunt. It is true however that you will not overcome your depression by sitting at home or engaging n solitary activities.

Please consider what I have said and the suggestions from Sarah. I would like to hear from you about my comments if possible. Out of character allowance.

Mary

[MisterM]

Hi Mary,

Your observations are welcome.
What do you mean I am not ready to encourage others?
Comparing myself to 10 years ago, I'd say I am a whole lot worse.
My energy to do things other than exercise which I need to do for my cholesterol issue and uni homework is low. I haven't done the things I love much this past year. I sleep okay. When I have the motivation I'll spend time on art and music and this can take my mind off my problems but the problem is I am so sad about my situation it is hard to get motivated to engage in activities to distract me from my issues.

The big thing that has changed is my best friend moving to another town far from me and becoming a dad and in a touring band so that means less time spent with him. That's been hard for me. I feel so alone now. Plus the very few friends that I have are getting on with life (long term relationships, new dads).
How do I work on a social life if I have no friends? I don't like the idea of going out by myself and trying to win friends. It makes me feel like a desperate loser.

[Aaronsis]

Hi MM

I think that moving to find your own place would be a great idea, it would help you to meet new people and you might be even able to get a pet. You would be out and about doing things and you would have to do shopping and you would have your art class, you could perhaps even take up something like dog walking for others that would get you out and about and meeting new people, having some exercise and being with animals. I would not tend to try to over think it too much, share houses are a great experience as well as a trying experience, you do have to put up with other personalities and behaviours, but try not to overthink it too much. I am sure if the said that they wanted to have someone over you could find something to do. Having your own space and creating a life that you want could start with moving out. Have a think about how you feel about that and sit with it for a while, no rush.

I hear how much it hurts you that your friends are becoming dads, that most certainly does not mean though that they don't have time for you too, and I hear that this is something you want very much too, to have your own family. This may sound a little harsh but there is a famous saying "if you always do what you have always done, you always get what you have always got"..does that make sense...I feel like if you change up what you are doing you will get some really nice surprises....you just have to ..well....do it...

Have you been able to do something this weekend to make you smile?

Sarah

[MisterM]

Hi Sarah,
I do and pay for my own shopping and do my own cooking. It's just that I live with my parents under the same roof.
I've thought about moving out for years now but it is anxiety that keeps me from doing so. It is such a scary step for me. All the what if's go through my head, what if I cannot meet rent, what if I don't get along with housemates, what if they harm me (new stories about housemates murdering other housemates is terrifying for me), what if my parents do not allow me to move back home if I cannot manage on my own etc. etc.

I've done nothing this weekend to make me smile. Just on my backside on the laptop listening to a seminar and typing notes hoping I can use that information in the future. Plus I started a new medication dosage today, will see if that helps.

There is no way I could afford a pet to be honest. My sister has spent thousands on vet bills. I'll be lucky to be able to pay rent and a mortgage the same time. The thought of having to sell my townhouse is stressful knowing all the money I've lost on it (interest plus maintenance).

Not sure what I could find to do if my housemates wanted me gone for a few hours. I cannot just see my friends, it takes a lot of weeks planning these days. I'd have to go out on the town alone and that does not feel good.

I don't think I want to be a father, it's just the thought that they're getting on with life and I am left behind without a romantic partner that hurts. I'd be happy with a woman without kids. Being a parent is not for everyone, not for me I feel.

[White_Rose]

Hello MisterM

Thanks for your reply.

What I meant by not being ready to encourage others is that you are wrapped up in your own difficulties, cannot 'see' others and do not have the time and energy to write on other threads offering encouragement and help. It may appear you have little to offer but this is not usually the case. It is surprising to read other posts and recognise something of yourself in parts of them. Even if you only relate to some of the struggles of others and offer your own experiences to show they are not alone, it is a step forward.

I think not being with others has become a way of life and it's hard to change. I noticed Sarah asked you about volunteering. It's an area you can step into and find some companionship. Workers and volunteers will not know you and you will be free to express yourself without worrying about what others know about you and what they think. It also gives you an external perspective which is one of the areas you do not have. You said, When I have the motivation I'll spend time on art and music and this can take my mind off my problems but the problem is I am
so sad about my situation it is hard to get motivated to engage in activities to distract me from my issues.

It seems you wait until the energy 'hits' you before taking any action. It really does not work that way. You must take that first step no matter how unmotivated you are. I know I have been feeling unmotivated for a while, but then I have an illness for which there is no cure and I have just discovered my current treatment has stopped working and I must start a new treatment. I am not saying that in a 'I've done this so you can do so as well'. I wanted you to know I struggle with motivation and distress and my experience has found it better to join the world rather than hide away.

When I was deeply depressed many years ago I found this also to be true. I enjoyed music and various hobbies but everything would come crashing down and I felt back to square one. Even getting out of bed was an ordeal at times. I realise I am a stubborn person which is both good and bad. Stubborn in refusing help and stubborn in trying to get well. I know you are sad and unhappy and I grieve for you, which is why I am trying to help. Giving you reasons to do something to forward. I can talk (write) to you forever but you are the one who needs to make the moves.

Try a retirement home and see how you get on as a volunteer. Hope I have clarified my comments.

Mary

[Birdy77]

Hi MisterM,

I just thought I'd jump in and ask you today: how are you doing?

I am really sorry to hear how stuck you feel right now. It's a really difficult place to be.

When you told Sarah (wow, what a gal 😊) that you didn't do anything on the weekend to make you smile, i felt sad. Sitting at the laptop all weekend listening to a seminar & taking notes wouldn't make me smile either.

I wonder if that could be a little challenge you set yourself each day? To do something, anything, to bring a smile to your face? As it is Wednesday, how about popping over to the thread here called Worst Joke Wednesday? It's in the social zone section. I'll give you 20 bucks if you don't at least smile (i won't really, but go on, give it a try).

Taking care of ourselves includes bringing ourselves some peace from our troubles. If I'm really down, i take myself into my vegetable patch to work, even if i don't feel like it, and guaranteed within 15 minutes, I'm feeling more restored. Can you think of something like that which you could use to reset yourself sometimes? Maybe your art will become that thing?

Having social anxiety makes getting out and meeting new people really hard. I think it's terrific that you've started the art class, and i hope you decide to keep going. This might not interest you in the slightest, but going to something like a tai chi or martial arts class: you go & you are amongst people, but concentrating on the instruction at hand, so less social pressure, & you can work up to chatting to people. Just an idea - i started going to a tai chi class when i was trying to nudge myself out of a depression, & i have found it one of the healthiest decisions I've made & have been practicing (or "playing" as they say) for 10 years now. Highly recommend.

Your now is not your forever MM. i know it's hard when you feel so overwhelmed with life, but I wonder if you could think of how you would like your life to be in, say, 5 years, maybe jot some ideas down. Then maybe jot down ideas for changes you would need to make to move your life from now to then. Then think of steps towards making those changes ... then they can become your baby steps to a happier life.

You are not a loser, look at your academic achievements. The hecs debt will wait patiently, don't worry about that for now.

Wishing you a day in which i hope you find some peace & feel some hope (& don't forget that smile).

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Hi again MM,

I'm sorry, i missed the part where you said art and music is your "thing" for respite from your problems. I hope the art classes help with this.

But as Mary said, it is true that sometimes we have to push ourselves even when we don't have the motivation.

That's one of the big things that depression takes away from us, is the motivation to do the things we know will help us.

🌻birdy

[MisterM]

Hey Mary,

Sorry for not being of much help in other threads. I try here and there, I don't know what to say a lot of the time other than I can relate and that the person is not alone. I did so this week.
Yeah, being alone and isolated for so long makes me feel so out of it around people. I just feel spaced out or something. Like last night, there were these people in my art class I've never met before and I felt overwhelmed when introduced to them by my art teacher. There's a gallery opening which I was going to go to tonight but felt uneasy. My brother in law called me to ask if I could pick him up from work as he is without a car, that meant I could not make it to the gallery on time.
I was having an okay day, went to a cafe and had coffee and cake as it was a nice day weatherwise.
But then my brother in law got me down with his sexist, racist, Islamophobic comments in the car. He mentioned to me I have not been coming around lateley. I am afraid to tell him it is because of the crap he says. Also, my sister never asks about me. She didn't even congratulate me for finishing uni. And my niece does not even care enough to come downstairs from her room to say hello. It made me feel so isolated and down which I feel tonight. I was going to practice drawing which my art teacher wants me to do but right now I'm just worrying about if I'll be on Newstart for many years like a lot of people, if I'll ever pay my hecs debt, if I'll ever find a romantic partner, if I'll become a decent painter, if I'll ever be happy, if these antidepressants will work.

Sorry to be a serial complainer.
Thank you for reaching out and trying. I understand I need to do the healing but I just struggle to do it.
MM.