no words

[cn]

Im sitting here listening to my family play on the xbox an I feel so distant. I feel horrible that I am such a failure at being a dad and I am repeating all the same mistakes that my stepfather did with me. I can speak to them. Theres too much in my head to fit out my mouth. I try and then I clam up. Also I feel frustrated by them. Why cant the see whats wrong with me? A hug and a kiss isnt going to fix it. Sometimes i think they dont even care and they want me to leave. I cant call my mum because ive ignored her for too long. Same as my brother. Every time the phone rings I just freeze. I feel like such a waste of time and money. I changed careers and now I dont earn enough for us and every decision I make sends us backwards. I cant even open facebook because everyone is having such a great time. Whats worse is they post the RUOK messages but they dont really care about someone who needs help. But why would they help me anyway because I have pushed everyone away. I dont know what to do. My head is spinning and I cant find any silence. I cant face work but I cant afford to take days off. The job I do has me responsible for peoples lives not that im going to hurt anyone but I really cant focus with whats going on. I just want some silence. Im so stressed about money and health and dying. Im stressed about being a good dad and husband. I just want to be taken away from all this. I was thinkin of going to the hospital but I dont know what good it would do. I am ashamed and embarrassed and confused. Negative thoughts creep into my head all the time. Ill be having a great time and laughing and then all of a sudden my chest will drop and thoughts will enter my head like "whats the point of all this, you are going to die soon anyway".

[blondguy]

Hello Cnschulz

Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the strength to post too

You are going through a dark place right now for sure. I understand as I have been in the same place as well and it hurts.....a lot! I have had clinical depression for a few years as well as some chronic anxiety unfortunately.

Im in my late 50's and still have to meet a dad that has done it well with their family. If you were a true failure at being a dad you wouldnt have summoned the courage to post on the forums....and that takes a lot...

Thats why you are amazing cnschulz.....you have taken the time and effort to be a great dad and post here and kudos to you. If I may ask you....are you getting support from your wife at the moment...even a little?

I am only speaking from my own experience cnschulz as I am not an expert. From what you have said your thoughts are racing and you may feel overwhelmed at the moment. I remember that feeling and it was exhausting to say the least

Just so you know who you are talking to, I see my GP every 4 weeks for a 'fine tune' after a few years of counseling for my depression. I have been working all the way through the same anguish and its painful

Do you have a GP that you get along with reasonably well? If you do.....that is a great starting point to find some peace in your life. They do have much better training now compared to when I was going through what you are.

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you....and non judgemental too

I really hope you can post back (if and when you wish)

you are not alone here cnschulz

My Kind thoughts for you and what you are going through

Paul

[demonblaster]

Hi Shultz 🙂

Ahhh you're in a rotten place atm aren't you, sorry for that, I know how crippling depression can be as many do here which makes this a great supportive caring community.

Blond's ( Hi budz 🙂 great supportive post has covered a lot which I hope can be some help to you.

I too was going to ask if you think seeing a professional and of course without saying you've always got here too who maybe able to help you sift through and get coping mechanisms and ideas how to manage the issues you have.

Depression's very powerful and it makes us feel that we're not worthy. Always know it's the depression talking, you don't want to feel that way, the beast doing it's thing. Buries our strength but we do have it.

Sounds like you're doing something right getting hugs and kisses, they wouldn't bother if you weren't worthy and yes it is hard for people to understand if they haven't been in the situation.
It is hard talking about it, good on you opening up, this is stength btw that you probs don't feel you have but is the beginning hopefully of your journey back up.

Do you think it might help to put it in writing to your wife, no distractions, time to think about what you want to express and could be instrumental with help and support if she knows how you're feeling.

Common with depression to push people away, if they're asking remember you must have some goods happening for them to bother to ask, it's the depression that's saying you're not worthy. Heard here one time someone said we don't have to believe it. Gold.

All best matey, hope you feel you can continue to talk here and we'd like to know how you're going.

[cn]

Thanks. Ive shown these words to my wife and we are going to the doctor. Ive taken this week off work but Im worried now that im on "stress leave" that my career will suffer.

[demonblaster]

good to hear yous going to Doc, that should start the ball rolling cn

Great you showed your wife

Hope it all starts on the up and out from this point & seeing Doc

Thx replying 🙂

Best