No will

[Blackthorn]

I don't know what to do anymore.

My mental health have been decreasing since my early teens (I am currently 20) and it isn't getting better, in fact over the past year it has gotten worse.

I have been writing my thoughts down trying to at least get it out of my head but I don't feel better, everything just feels wrong, so wrong.

I have gone to headspace a few time and though they are trying to help there is a lot of time between sessions, and a lot of negativity around myself and my life.

I guess the best way to try and describe how I'm feeling is out of place, empty, alone, useless, exhausted, drained, unconnected just naming a few things.

Nothing brings me joy, nothing makes me feel truly happy, I have no prospects for the future, I don't know where I'm going in life or what I'm doing.

I feel I have no will to live, no reason to live, I stated before that I feel alone and unconnected, and I do to family and friends, but the only time I feel content is when I'm able to be alone, reading. Even though that makes no sense even in my own head I feel so alone but I like to be alone ?!?

I'm drowning in my own thoughts and problems that aren't mine, I know I have a big heart and for most of my life everyone comes before me and now that I'm trying to focus on my I feel extremely guilty and selfish.

Im having anxiety attacks at least 3 times a week and bad thought at least twice a day. I am either 'okay' or anxious or I can't do this or moody... I've been having a lot of mood swings and little things are triggering my anxiety and irritability.

I don't want feel or be this way, but I don't even know who I am

[PamelaR]

Hi Blackthorn and warm welcome to our forums

What can I say - depression and anxiety do make life difficult. It isn't easy living with them, though, they can be managed. It's working out what suits you. We are all different and respond differently to treatment and therapy.

I'm not a health professional, just someone who lives with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, I'm okay, however, when I'm triggered things get hard. That's when I start working through the tools various psychologists have given to me in the past. One will generally work.

You mentioned talking with eHeadspace. Do you also see a doctor and/or a health professional? One of the biggest things I find for getting out of my head is talking to someone else. Writing in a journal has sometimes helped me when my emotions are all caught up, but when there are stories floating around in my brain I need to talk about them. Talking to a health professional is always good for me.

There are telephone and chat support services available -

Beyond Blue Support Services 1300 224 636, www.online.beyondblue.org.au

Lifeline 13 11 14, www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/Crisis-Chat

Also when you are up to it, feel free to browse our forums and to join conversations. No pressure, only if you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[therising]

Hi Blackthorn

The last 7 words you wrote are incredibly insightful, '...I don't even know who I am'. The last 2 words are especially powerful. I believe how we identify with our 'I am' is what goes toward shaping our life. If we do not define our authentic self, this can sometimes lead to a painful battle of internal conflict:

I am ___. I do not like my name and it causes me pain to hear it spoken

I am female. I do not like being identified as female, for I feel like a male trapped in a female body

I am the son/daughter of ____. I hate being their child. They justify the abuse by telling me I am a bad child

Interesting thing about our 'I am' or identity is - it typically begins the day we are born.The last 3 examples are proof. Keeping with this example, imagine what life would look like if we were encouraged to change our name if it caused us pain. What if we were encouraged to freely identify the gender we were most comfortable with and gender reassignment was thoroughly supported and affordable. What if we were encouraged to report abuse as kids and guided in finding new parents who would lead us to feel good (mentally/physically/spiritually). What if these 3 examples were a natural part of life. Unfortunately, we live in a world were if you change your name, you are ungrateful. If you change your gender, you are 'a freak' (which is horrible). If you report your parents, you are disloyal. So, the pain of a false identity continues for many.

As a mum to 2 teenagers and as someone who suffered with depression in the earlier part of my life, I try to lead my kids to make conscious choices when it comes to how they're identifying themselves, based on who or what they're identifying with. Often I will ask 'What belief are you identifying with? Is this belief the truth or is it a socially contrived taught belief, passed down through the generations?' I encourage them to question my beliefs as well. In my opinion, if a belief causes harm or sufferance then it is typically one that leads us away from being our most authentic self. We are jam packed with false beliefs/destructive mental programs and we wonder why we suffer.

In discovering our most authentic self, we need to 1st acknowledge who we are not. Give some thought to how many of your beliefs are actually your own. When we discard many of the taught ones, we may be left thinking 'I don't know who I am (without them)'. This is the point were authenticity begins and inspiration and guidance is needed 🙂