No support-Wife and Step daughter shutting me out

[Bwalker]

Hi… i am looking for advice. any help is much appreciated 

I am a previous emergency worked and have ptsd. 

I have been married for 1.5 years. With my wife for 4. She has two children, 8 & 15.

we have had our issues before, where my wife has shut me out. I think that is how she deals with her emotions.  She said I “have changed” and that she thinks I tricked her by being happy in our engagement etc. 

Now, with no real apparent trigger… my step daughter, 15, stared to avoid me, ignore me, not want me to be near her etc. I tried to talk to my wife about it, and she started to shut down too. She said that I have been so miserable and low that I am bringing the family down. That 15 yo daughter doesn’t want to be around me anymore. my wife told me I am draining her and she can’t handle it. 

we had discussions about what to do. But she shuts down and physically withdraws and emotionally too. I said I would start medication etc and other things to try get better. But I said I need her support. She said I have it. But when I tried to hold her hand, she pulled away because she said she doesn’t want me to touch her when she feels like this. But last time this happened.. it was 2.5 months until she even touched my hand. and then she told me that she needs space, and so do the kids. I asked if she wanted me to stay somewhere else, she didn’t answer but suggested maybe, but then said she didn’t know. So I have left the house. I don’t know when I should go back…

I know that I have been sad, and I have lost my bubbly self But I guess, I just don’t understand why I get treated like this… I feel as if it is an extreme reaction… I feel unloved, rejected, unsupported and unwanted. It’s hard to differentiate what feelings are justifiable and what feelings are not due to depression etc.

the other part that concerns me is my wife’s 15 year old daughter is super clingy to her mum- like I think unhealthy amount. One example, the other day her mum went to work before she woke up, so she got her grandma to drive her into her work so she could see her. Her shift was only 8 hours. Therefore… I am concerned that my step daughter is feeding the situation, as my wife was fine with me until her daughter started acting like that with me.

I feel so lost, and unwanted. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

It's a complex one and step parent situations are complex in themselves let alone issues with your wife.

The answer to when you should return to the home is when you are wanted (not needed) eg that you are missed by your wife and... she is eager to resolve those complexities of which you mentioned with love and care.

I've had a relationship where there was a son 14yo and his older sister 18yo agreed that he was spoilt, could never do any wrong and I felt that the only hope was to befriend him. I bought an old Holden and we semi restored it etc. It worked but with a female I dont think I could bridge that gap.

One serious issue you have is lack of clarity with your wife's intentions. Support is many things to many people, obviously for her it doesnt mean romance (holding hands) and although I can see the difference, it is obvious she isnt her normal self and with these boundaries there is less hope of sorting things out.

Her being "clingy" to her daughter is a relationship that imo is not an unhealthy amount. That is from a step dads perspective along with having your issues. You can never be too close to your child. However, it is the banding together in any gang mentality that is unhelpful as any information passed on from mother to daughter is not fair on you nor your relationship. Imo that is the problem along with your wife's lack of practical and serious support.

Unfortunately these issues are more to do with relationship/step parent problems rather than medication hence you would be advised to seek therapy to separate the two. Punishing yourself would give both wife and step daughter vindication yet they are part of the problem that wont get solved by you attending only to your medical issues.

Weight up your future but if there is no hunger for your wife to want you then a fresh future could give you peace and happiness. Keep busy and surround yourself with beautiful people.

Reply anytime

TonyWK