No one can see it

[Pelia]

A lot of people have better eyes than mine
But no one can see it

I called my parents overseas and dad just asked how his grandchildren are, how my husband is, how the passion fruit tree in the garden is...He doesn't see it

And I laughed my head off with mum to those silly jokes I googled before I called her because I really don't want her to worry about me...She feels guilty enough not being able to help me ... She doesn't see it

I called my sister and she gave me a big lecture on how to eat a healthy diet and how to exercise to keep the cholesterol low... she doesn't see it

I take my middle son to school each morning and meet a handful of school mums everyday... They often comment on how cute my youngest baby is and how big his eyes are... They don't see it

I used to speak to few of my friends about my feelings but they have their own life too... They eventually not check on me anymore to avoid depressing news... They don't see it

My husband who is the most significant person in my life but is always busy with work... He struggles to keep his "demanding" wife happy and is losing himself too... He sees me but he doesn't see my feelings or my hair cut... He doesn't see my tears or why I bleed in my heart...

No one can see it...No one sees I am lonely. No one sees I am falling. No one sees how hard I live for others. I wonder if anyone will see it if I disappear

[Croix]

Dear Pelia~

I'm sad at your circumstances, something that all too many endure. I guess it is a combination of a couple of things. First unlike this place most people who do not have a similar experience simply cannot relate or understand. It comes out not only in not comprehending but even when they try it can end up with them making suggestions that are completely off track. Something that makes one feel even less understood and alone.

This place is different, you can almost talk shorthand as others here have their own lives to look at and draw on.

The other thing is having a mask and living to help others. For some reason many of us put on a mask and pretend we are OK, that no major problem exists. Like you do for you mum. It stops others worrying, it means by and large there is no great fuss, and often it is something that comes about if we do not really want to acknowledge the seriousness of our own situation.

I can talk of all this because I've been there too. The mask is not that good in the long term, it seems to breed a sense of isolation; there is me - and the rest of the world. Also feelings that one is not worthy - if I have to hide such a large part of myself what does that say about me?

Putting others before self is all very well, but unless care is returned leads to a feeling of being used.

I guess the first thing to ask is if you have been to seek medical support? This degree of isolation and loneliness and wondering about disappearing does need help right now. The first step - if you have not been already - would be to see your GP in a long consultation and say what has been happening and how it has been affecting you. Please try to tell it all without omission.

If you are already under treatment then I'd strongly suggest you go back to your doctor and ask for your regime to be adjusted to reflect the current situation - something that might need to be done quite often as it has been in my case from time to time.

With your family maybe there might be one or more to whom you can be frank. Feeling less alone can - as you would imagine - make a real difference. Do you think here is someone there? Friends are OK, but it does take someone special to bear the pain of another's troubles long-term.

Do you think you would like to return and talk more, here at least you will be seen.

Croix

[monkey_magic]

Hi Pelia,

I can guarantee I'd see it, but what do we do about it? It sounds as though you need more love and attention sent your way so I'll give you some. Btw I think your hair cut looks great on you and I'm sorry for your pain. Can I catch you while you are falling and put you on solid ground again?

I am saying all of this to you because I too felt ignored. I felt like I had to go through my bleeding heart and tears on my own. Ppl could see it but they walked straight past, off with their busy lives.

I see you, I feel you because I know what its like to fall.....I hope by giving you some understanding I can shed some light. You are heard, you are important, you are known. Let us get to know you. I like what you wrote...do they really see us????

[Pelia]

Thank you so much Croix and monkey magic

Your posts brought me tears ..Part of tears is I feel touched that there's support around...part of tears is the sadness - isn't it sad that even random strangers can sooth my pain but the people who know me or live with me finding it hard?

i feel I am just someone's daughter, someone's wife, three children's mother, always someone's someone... My daily life is just trying to everyone's needs... The feeling of losing my own identity if that makes sense? Yes I know I "should" enjoy what I got especially my beautiful children but I often find myself having to force myself to laugh when they tell me jokes ...I feel guilty that I can't give them a happy mother...And that guilt then make myself feel worse...

My thoughts are everywhere at moment I might not describe properly perhaps I will come back... Yes i am looking at the option of getting back on medication which I stopped while going thru pregnancy and nursing... Thank you again my friends

[smallwolf]

Pelia,

You will definitely find support here.

On why people you know dont see it.... they have not felt it, so don't really know what to look for. That, and depending on how good we are, we can mask what we are really feeling, presenting a happy version of our real self?

You mentioned guilt... I put a tick in all the boxes when it comes of cognitive disorders. It's a long road to reversing how we see ourselves. I started that journey last year. But my support person said to in a recent conversation when I was blaming myself, he said to "Stop It!" and then drew a line on the table, indicating what is past is past and walk into the future. He, by the way, has/had suffered from extreme anxiety. It very hard.

On the racing thought.... deep breathing... there is a thread here about mindfulness. Try that. It may not help with the guilt, but hopefully work with those thought. My psych also the suggested two apps I should use, and I do... if you are interested I can tell their names.

All the best

[Pelia]

Hi all,

Kids are in bed now I thought I come back here to say thank you all again and to talk. I don't know how I get thru each day - it often feels like I just get pushed from one chore to another. I don't mind the physical work, as long as mentally I feel appreciated. I don't know if chicken come first or egg come first - my depression affects my relationship or the other way round? Sometimes I wonder how the medication is going to solve the issues? It will just probably going to look like "I" have the problem, I am the problem, hence I need to take the med...

the harder thing than being depressed is being depressed and pretend to be happy...Like you all said... Wearing a mask...Not really healthy I know but I have to! My boy told me he has bad dreams every night... another boy cried with me when I couldn't hold it together anymore ... They deserve a happy mum...Or at least a pretend-to-be-happy mum... And how about these questions you get? Why are you depressed? You for everything...You shouldn't be depressed?

i appreciate and admire your big hearts to help out others while dealing with each own dark days... again thank you.

[Pelia]

Sorry everyone...Is anyone still here I just had a really bad argument and breakdown in the house I know it's small things to say here I am really feeling so hopeless at the moment... Why is life so hard?

[monkey_magic]

Hi Pelia,

I'm still here, talk away.

[Pelia]

I got nothing here except for my partner and children.. I got no job and will probably never work due to anxiety...I got no parents or siblings here in the country and some of them I don't connect well anyway... But I seem to keep messing things up in this place- the only thing I have. I snapped tonight again and all my sadness and anger spill everywhere... My children were hurt too... I lost it again but I was just desperately looking for love and care... I feel I am in a deep hole trying to climb out but instead of a helping hand to hold on to I keep getting knocked down deeper ... I love my children dearly (in fact they are the only reason that keep me going) so hurting them is the last thing I want to do... I ended up admitting to my oldest that mummy has some problems ... Mummy is not perfect but she is trying her best to give them love- something that she didn't really get when she was a little girl (am I allowed to paste a link that I wrote couple of years ago on here?) (I wrote on this forum a while ago about my childhood)

I just wish I have a bit more support in real life... Someone I can talk to anytime...Instead of having to book an appointment with my psychologist ... My apologies for posting random relationship issues here that may seem small to some people but I really have no one to talk to... 😞

[monkey_magic]

Morning Pelia,

It's great that you opened up some more because this is what this place is all about! The first thing I thought of was whether you were doing something to manage your anxiety. I also know what anxiety feels like & to manage it I - listen to music, go for a drive, eat, exercise, get a massage etc.

Children are resilient & I'm glad you are being honest with your oldest, relationships are about give & take after all. I just hope you aren't being hard on yourself, you are hurting after all so gently & easy does it.

I'm not sure if u can add a link, hopefully someone else can answer that for you.

Are there any groups you can join to meet others? I used to go to an art group, do salsa & I'm currently a member of a gym so plently of ppl to socialize with there. It just sounds like you need something extra for yourself as well.

I also didn't receive enough love as a little girl ( would be interested to hear your story) and later found love as a teenager/adult.

We look forward to hearing from you again 🙂