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[debrox1618]

Hi everyone, I’ve just joined and wanted to introduce myself. I’m looking forward to finding people to talk about mental illness with.

I’m 41 and in the last few years I’ve been diagnosed with (in order) alcoholism, bipolar, chronic fatigue, and adhd disorders. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 20, but now looking back I can see I was showing symptoms from about 13/14.
I feel crazy all the time, I can hardly work and I’ve practically cut off all social ties. My job means nothing to me and I really can’t handle full time work, but my husband hadn’t worked for years so there was nothing I could do to help myself. I felt so stuck.
Anyway life goes up and down, and sometimes I’m stable and sometimes I’m not. I stopped drinking about 3 years ago and I’ve got a good psychiatrist.

But for a while now I’ve had something inside me I want to say out loud to anyone who’ll listen, “Hey I’m really sick! And all the medication I take makes me sick too! And I’m not the person I used to be, and I don’t even know who I am now. And I need a break! I need a chance to get better, But how can I find that with two kids and a full time job?”

I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My husband is supportive but he really doesn’t understand what I’m talking about when I describe any type of episode.
My parents wouldn’t mention bipolar for years, but Mum has now stretched her vocab to describe it as “a head thing”.
My friends are amazing beautiful people and they’ve known me long enough to see all the best and worst. They’ve never judged me and never will. But on every single get together I bail at the last minute. I know it’s stupid but I keep doing it.
I think what I really want, is to find people who understand me when I talk about having a mental illness that consumes me.

[Croix]

Dear Debrox1618~

Thank you for making your own thread, while I've mentioned a few things in the old location (Forums / Welcome and orientation / I've been lurking for years...) one thing that did not really resister at the time was your cutting out the alcohol, That's a pretty big achievement. I know what I stopped smoking it then gave me confidence in myself which has been very helpful later on, I'd expect you might feel much the same.

Do you mind if I ask about your husband's circumstances? You said he'd not been able to work for some time and this of course puts a great deal more pressure on you. I guess he is like many in not understanding how you feel, I think it really does take being there yourself before you can relate to others properly. Your mum sounds the same, though maybe in your parent's case it might be more than inexperience if they won't even mention the problem.

Thank goodness for your friends. Do you manage to get out to see them singly if a group is too much?

There is a long running thread you might be interested in called

Forums / Long term support over the journey / This bipolar life

where there are a fair few people from time to time

Croix

[debrox1618]

Thanks for your reply Croix, and for your good tips about the forums and other threads.

The situation with my husband is a sore point as he began studying full time and between that and running around after kids, it left little to no time to work, even part time. Sometimes when I’d have bipolar episodes I couldn’t function and he’d be doing all the home duties. During this time I knew I had to stop working, but we had locked ourselves in to the situation.

Halfway through his 5 year course he quit. And then nothing. He didn’t look for work, and convinced himself that he was unemployable so there was no point anyway. Suffice to say this caused A LOT of problems in our marriage. He saw treatment for depression, but stopped after a year as he decided he was fine.

He hasn’t been able to understand what this has done to me. To be under pressure to pay all the bills, to stay in jobs I don’t like, who don’t treat me properly, but I hang on because I am too scared of losing them.

Long story short, we had our first relationship therapy session today, and that helps to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I’ve had varied experiences on sharing my illness with the people I work with and although they have all been different, it has always been disastrous. So my current job, which I’m now in my fourth week, know nothing. But already I’ve had three sick days do it’s not a good start.

The thing that really annoys me, is how giving up alcohol didn’t give me the clear perception, bright eyes, and spring in my step I had assumed it would. I’m glad I’m not drunk or hungover anymore but I still feel like shit. I’ve put on weight and feel tired and achy all the time. That was a disapointment.

[Croix]

Dear Debrox1618~

Thank you for continuing to talk, I understand the disappointment with giving up the drink, I too thought as soon as I gave up the smokes I'd be a new man, sadly while it was great motivation it did not pan out. I've some respiratory problems even though I stopped a long time ago. I guess the up side is I'm still here to complain abut it:) plus as I said I got to realize what I could do.

Your husband sounds a bit of a mixed bag and I doubt he's right, many stop treatment because they feel a bit better, then things go down again. I think I'd be furious if he simply gave up and left all the hard yards to me, just not fair.

I'm not surprised you are tired and feel like shit all the time, you are doing an awful lot with no end in sight. I guess the hope is this counseling will spur your husband on to return to treatment and either finish his studies or get a job. Do you think this likely? I hope so. Perhaps too if someone else spells out the pressures on you he might take notice.

As for sharing about one's illness, this is something I was always very cautious about, I'm not now however I don't have to worry about it affecting my employment. Fortunately medical certificates don't have to specify the illness.

Do you get a chance to see your friends every so often? I realize a group might be a bit much but seeing some singly might be a change and a chance to get away from it all for a little while

Croix