Needed an outlet

[Braveface]

What does living with depression feel like, why is it so bad. Well personally it feels like I am a hand grenade with the pin about to fall out. But how did the pin get loose. Well while the pin is in the pain increases so I pull it out a bit maybe turn my music up full ball and scream into a pillow, or randomly lock my self away and cry. The worst part of this is I have no idea why I am doing it. Sure I am not a millionaire and my job sucks arse at the moment but I am not the only one in the world with a shitty job and no money.
 
I read once a beautiful website that was made to make you think before you commit suicide, obviously it worked and I use it daily. The line that sticks in my head is about the pain. Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
 
So why not take a pill and get over it. Well this is my bodies sick way of having a crack at me, you see antidepressants work for a time for some people they work for great. Others such as my self they last until you convince yourself that you don't want to look like a druggie and have to scoff pills daily so you stop taking them and pull the pain pin out a bit more to subside the pain and the vicious circle continues.
 
I am a single dad of 3 young boys that I love to death, I would do anything to see them happy so at the moment I have that pain pin welded in but the pain is still there. I have found myself saying if their mother grows up and finds good man the boys won't need me any more and I can end my fight with the pain pin...lovely thought to live with right......
 
I wrote the above about two months ago. I just got a well paying job thought this would help subside the pain, well kind of hoped it would. But again I find my self putting on that brave face pretending to every one that I am fine. I just want out I am tired. I know that pills don't make me a druggie but my head screams at me everytime I consider them.

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[Neil_1]

Hi there Braveface

(Great name by the way)

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx so much for providing your post.

So am I reading this and you’re telling me that you are no longer on any medication?

Braveface;  your boys are YOUR boys – now AND forever.  IF and this is an “if”, another bloke should come along and turn out to be a dad, he’ll be a step dad, BUT you are always the father, the dad to your boys.  And they will know that as well.  So that’s something massive to think about in regards to what you were writing about in your post in two different areas, in particular.  You knowing and them knowing that you are their dad, “no matter what”, I hope will become a very useful and powerful “resource” for you to help you cope with pain and take it to a level that it is way beyond pain ever catching up with it.

Along those lines BF, who’s to say that sometime in the future, you might possibly find a romantic attraction to another lady?   I know at the moment that sounds like absolute crap talk, but it’s just something I was thinking, so thought I’d write it down as well.

BF, may I ask what sorts of interests do you have?   Any hobbies, sporting interests or activities – cycling, running, gym, wake-boarding, gardening, etc – I could go on, but I hope you get the gist by now.  🙂

Would really love to hear back from you on this.

Cheers

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Braveface

I echo Neil's welcome to you. It's good that you can write about your pain and the frustration it causes. Thanks you for telling us.

I too have visited that suicide web site and found the same quote. I have mentioned it to others on this site. So it seems we are on the same page. Another quote I found on BB is I can't stop the waves but I can learn how to surf.  I have printed both of these and stuck them up in my kitchen.  These and other quotes plus music, songs and poetry are the things that keep me going.

We seem to have been in the same places, as most folk here will agree. Depression is a dreadful illness and is so unkind to those who have it. You know, thinking about suicide is OK. Putting your thoughts into action is different and not the best way to go.

I don't know if you are a reader or not. About ten years ago I found a book written by someone detailing her journey with mental illness and her struggle with suicide. Started to reread it a short while ago. I found the general coping mechanisms valuable and her discussion about suiced, when I was really in that place, amazing. The book is called How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me. The author is Susan Rose Blauner. Pick the parts that apply to you. One size does not fit all so no doubt there will be bits you do not connect with.

About ADs. You have no idea how much I kicked and screamed (metaphorically speaking) about taking medication. I once read that while exercise is good for you, those who embrace it profit far more than than those who exercise because they are told to do so. Something to do with the way the brain processes these things. I wonder if something similar happens with ADs. No evidence for this but it's worth considering.

I finally became reconciled to taking ADs (and was put on a different pill) with good results. When my GP increaded the medication recently I was bowled over by the outcome. Amazing was the only word I could think of. Until then either the AD did nothing for me or I had such horrendous side effects that I could not take it. I'm not saying this will be the same for you. I bring it to your notice with a suggestion to have a good discussion with your doctor about ADs.

Gaining a new job with higher wages is great, especially if you like the job as well. Double bonus. While this sort of thing helps to relieve some of the pressures it is not the whole story. Your definition of depression will resonate with all of us.

Write back soon

Regards

Mary

[geoff]

dear Braveface, thanks for posting your comment which is indeed one that we all of us worry about.

My good friends Neil and Mary respectively have replied to you in their caring and concerned manner, but I would also like to add about your concern about their mother if she meets someone down the track.

She is still their mum just as you are their dad and I'm not sure what arrangements have been made regarding their education, daily costs , medical fees and the list goes on, but as you are looking after them then either an arrangement has made between the both of you or the court has decided that you are more capable to look after them, here I am only guessing which may not benefit the situation.

When my wife (ex) left and divorced me my greatest fear was for her to meet someone, just the same as how you feel, in fact I was totally insecure even during our 25 year marriage.

I had no control over what she did, because we were divorced, but this may not be the case with you, never the less it doesn't help your situation, but the both of you separated/divorced, because for some reason it didn't work out, and you may meet a lady who could have kids and you fall for each other, so that's something to focus on, rather 'what if' she meets someone.

She's only part of your kids life, although you may still love her, but chances are there may not be any reunion, and the more you worry the less beneficial time you will have with your kids, they are your life now and keep the door open for someone else walking through your door.

I hope that I haven't gone overboard with my comments. Geoff.