Need help

[laura86]

Hi everyone,   

I’m new to sharing here but really needed to reach out for help.   

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for many years now and am currently in a massive low period. I recently left a horrible workplace for a better job- this is a good thing and I am proud of myself for moving on. However I now work for a very small business and don’t have anyone to really talk to on a day-to-day level and this had effected me more than I thought it would. I feel as though I have lost most of the friends I had despite trying to keep in contact and everyone else seems to be overseas, away with work or just too busy.   

A couple of weeks ago I had a big meltdown while

I was home alone.  For the first time in years those truly dark thoughts came back where I couldn’t control my pain and emptiness and thought seriously about taking my life.  The worst part was having no one to reach out to. I felt totally alone and worthless. Although those really bad suicidalfeelings are not as strong I wake up every day with horrible anxiety and sadness. I often don’t know how I’ll get through the day at work and cry whenever I’m alone.      

Since then my partner has come home from his business trip and has been really supportive even though I’m just

sad all the time. I just wish it was over but I feel like it is just getting worse every day.  I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist and in my local area there isn’t like a community-based service that is cheaper. I suppose I feel lost, alone and desperate.     

Anyway, I thought I should try to reach out here and see what happens. 

Thank you for listening and for your support   

Laura

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[White_Rose]

Dear Laura

It was great to read your replies.  I am so pleased you feel you can talk to us.

Great news about seeing your doctor. I hope everything went well. We would all love to know what happened, without being too nosey.

Families can be a tricky situation. They do worry about each other and sometimes this worry shows itself by telling you what to do and appearing to berate you for being unwell. It's not really what they mean. The biggest difficulty is understanding depression and those who have not experienced it often cannot understand.

If you explore the tabs at the top of this page you will find all sorts of information. You can ask BB to send you these information sheets, which will be done free of charge. There are also fact sheets for friends and family. Ask for those also. Then if you decide to tell your family (or friends) how you feel and they do not understand you will have information for them.  BB is a respected organisation and the information is accurate.

Ask the family for a meal when your partner is home, at least to start with. It's usually easier that way. Then take it from there. Remember, one step at a time.

I was just talking on the phone to a friend of mine who told me I was impatient. Shock, horror! But of course she is right. I want everything to get fixed yesterday or at least today. But I am learning to take small steps. Managing the anxiety in between is the problem but it will happen.

There is one more thing to bear in mind. Changing jobs is a huge stressor, even when it is a change for the better. No matter what your circumstances were in the old job, there would is a period of mourning for the old job. Maybe it has just caught up with you as there is usually a delay in reaction. You have to wait for the honeymoon period at the new job to end before experiencing the sadness.

Once you recognise this it is easier to move on. Doesn't help your current situation of working alone but may help you regain your equilibrium about the old job, and this may have a flow-on effect.

Keep in touch.

Warm regards

LING

[--Danny--]

Hi Laura, I'm wishing you the best...I hope everything goes good for you & you start feeling better real quick!! Just hang in there mate, keep fighting & don't give up!! Small steps, one by one..you will get there!!! let me know how you're doing Laura!!

Best wishes,

Danny

[Doolhof]

Hello Laura and welcome to the BB community and family.

I have been reading through these posts and do so hope you are benefitting from all the wonderful friendship and advice you are receiving. It has helped me too to read all of the thoughts people have put down, a lot of the suggestions I can take to heart and use in my own journey.

I know that some days it is a little difficult to put all of these wonderful suggestions into practise, so I would like to encourage you to try on the better days and then when life is a bit tough, putting into action what you have already tried will not seem so daunting.

Because of the nature of my work, I often eat alone, sometimes in the car driving from one client to the next. I am very lucky though and drive about in the country. I take great pleasure in seeing the different seasons happening around me.

If I have the time to have lunch in one of the small towns, I read a book in the car if it is raining, or go to a park on sunny days, have a chat with someone at the shops, park near the kindy and watch the children playing, go to the library and ask the librarian about certain books, chat to the old lady waiting for a bus, there is usually someone you can have a quick hello to.

I've recently borrowed books from the library on depression, and how to overcome it. Some of the suggestions are great, others don't work so well for me.

One thing I did years ago was to start a journal and tried to write in it each day something I was thankful for. Some days I would write nothing, other days I could write half a page. Even just thinking of the nice things can help.

I too wish you all the very best and hope to read more from you. I encourage you try some of the suggestions made here, as I will also.

Thinking of you, from Dools.

[geoff]

dear Laura, I have just picked up your post to read, and it what it means is that there are so many wonderful people who have replied back to you, so you know that you definitely have some lovely friends here to support you, and in a lot of situations it's more people than we have in the real world, especially who won't criticise you or mock you in anyway.

Even though your previous job had people to talk to, your job satisfaction or dissatisfaction far out weighs this by a mile, sorry someone has just arrived but I will continue later, sorry. L Geoff. x

[laura86]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you again for your kind words and advice- it means so much to me.

So I went to the doctors last night and I suppose it wasn't hugely successful. My usual doctor wasn't in so I saw someone else. He wasn't very helpful and when I mentioned "depression" and "anxiety" he seemed pretty uncomfortable. I suppose most of the people he sees aren't there for that reason. He prescribed me anti depressants and seemed to shove me out the door before I could even ask about a mental health plan. I mentioned wanting to see someone but he didn't recommend anything. Oh well at least I'm on ADs now and can always see another doctor another day for the rest. I found a support group sort of in my area that I'll try to start going to in the mean time maybe. 

Today I'm still feeling pretty low and still woke up with those same feelings of sadness and anxiety. But as we all do I'll keep trying and keep talking to all of you wonderful people.

Thank you again,

Laura

xx

[laura86]

Neil I'm trying to get some old friends together for a catch up tonight, it's not going very well so far but we'll see. As I said my best friend seems to have gone a bit funny with me lately for some reason so that's a bit difficult too. But you're right- it is great to connect with like-minded people here. It's just nice to know I'm not completely alone with no one to talk to.

LING I totally understand what you mean about being impatient. I too find it hard to just see how things turn out and allow life to just take it's course. Like you I want problems solved and worked out ASAP to stop my anxiety. I do need to take your advice here and take it one step at a time even if those steps are small. There is certainly a difficult period when changing jobs and your description of "mourning" my old job is spot on. As horrible as the environment was, I had "my people" there and it was something familiar. Despite the bad times we had each other to talk to. I was there for 6 years so it's been a big change. 

Thank you Danny for your post. Like all of us here, I am trying to hang in there as difficult as it sometimes seems. As you know it's horrible to wake up each day with those same feelings of emptiness and desperation. It feels like it will never pass. I will keep in touch and let you know how I'm doing : )

Dools thank you for your kind words and advice. You sound like your job lets you see so much beauty that we often take for granted. I really liked what you said about chatting to strangers and just saying hello. I think that in this day and age that's something we all forget to do. Sometimes just talking to someone about nothing in particular is amazing, just to have a connection with another human. I really love this idea and am going to give it a try! Thank you!!

Geoff you are so right- I am amazed at the kindness of the people here. To reach out to me, a perfect stranger, and offer help is incredible. I feel really blessed at this because I wasn't sure that anyone would reply to me. Thank you for your post and I hope to keep talking to you : )

[Jacko777]

Hi Laura,

As you couldn't see your normal doc, maybe you can start your own mental health plan that you can share with your doc later. You are really giving attention to the different aspects of your mindset at the moment, might it be worthwhile to put these things down on paper? Then you can elaborate on how to address the issues you are facing. I think if you seperate these issues it will be easier for you to find appropriate activities that reduce depression and anxiety.

Sounds like a 'thankfulness meditation' would be good last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

Try and take some satisfaction from knowing that you are on the right track, you are doing the right things to fix the things that bother you and as you know, it's only safe to go up a ladder one step at a time. You are undoubtedly a compassionate and intelligent person and we are all better off for knowing you. 

[laura86]

Hi Jacko,

I'd never really thought of starting my own mental health plan. I will definitely look into doing that today! Thank you!

I suppose putting things down on paper can be really helpful although sometimes I find it difficult. Having your feelings written out in front of you can be really confronting so I think I avoid it. I know it would be better to just get it all out there and let it go but my fear is I'll break down and feel horrible. But yes I do need to find a better way of addressing these issues rather than just suffering internally with them. 

I am actually seeing a spiritual healer this week who is going to go through meditation techniques. I find it so difficult to turn my thoughts of and just allow myself to be still. I guess this is what I need to learn and practice. 

Thank you for saying such nice things- I am really touched by your kindness. I am better off for knowing you also : )

[geoff]

dear Laura, sorry about that but I will continue on.

As I was saying that your job satisfaction or dissatisfaction creates an environment which does outweigh having people to talk to, because it's this job that makes you so uninclined to want to go to work, even though you have people there to communicate with, so this stops you from going to work.

In regard to the doctor you saw well he/she won't be of any help, so what I would suggest is to check out the doctors here under 'get support', as these doctors are aligned with BB and treat people with depression.

I am concerned for you about your best friend disappearing, and whether or not it's due to them having a breakdown of not being able to cope with how you have suddenly changed and the thought of ending your life, so they are unable to cope, and their option is just lose contact with you.

Boy this has happened to most of us, where our 'friends' just disappear because it becomes far too much for them to even understand what depression has done to us, let alone have the ability to help us.

So with of this happening we tend to fall into a hole and have a relapse.

Although we don't know each other let's build up a rapport between all of us that will give you some confidence, and help you with all your worries, as you now know you have already made some lovely friends here on the site. L Geoff. x

[laura86]

Hi Geoff,

My old job was horrible. I would take having no one to talk to any day over being in that place. It's just a bit lonely and empty right now that's all. 

The doctor I saw was pretty hopeless. I have checked the doctors on BB and have got the name and details for one in my area. Great advice thank you!

My friend does tend to disappear whenever he gets busy or has issues of his own. I find this difficult as I am NOT that type of person- especially not with him. I think he takes advantage of the fact that he knows I'll always be around whenever he is ready to remember me again. I know that doesn't make him sound like the greatest friend does it? But we've been friends for so long and when things are going well it's so nice to have him back. I suppose a big part of me is afraid to lose the people I love so I keep persisting and trying. Sigh! I agree, he probably doesn't know how to deal with me being depressed and sad again. Most people just assume we're being dramatic and making it up. But again you are right- it hasn't helped me during this difficult time and makes me feel worse.

I would definitely like to keep building this rapport between all of us because everyone on here is so amazing. I am really lucky to have connected with such great people who through their own sadness and difficulties still reach out and help others. This says a lot about you all and how incredible you are. 

Laura

xx