Need advice

[Mysts]

Hi, I have just joined and this is my first post. I don’t really have anyone I could ask for advice regarding this matter as I don’t really want them to know.

I think it’s time for me to get help.

For few years now, we’ll actually many years, I haven’t feel well or right. I get episodes of emptiness and sadness and I would want to do nothing. There’s also the unreasonable irritation and annoyance towards everything. When I’m in this state, I’ll just stay on my bed playing pointless games on my phone all day. My husband understands this and has been very supportive. Now that I think about it, he probably has been taking care of our son almost all of the time. He cooks, takes him to school, cleans, makes me coffee and bring meals to my bed when I’m isolating myself from the world. I need to stop this negative moment from happening as this is unfair to him. I barely talk to my son now because I can’t stand anyone talking to me for a long time. I still spend time and talk to him but not as much as I should.

So this has been going for years now but I felt it worsened the last couple years. More days doing nothing. More masks. More bad thoughts. More urges (No, I’m not suicidal, I wouldn’t do it for my family). I’ve been thinking of going to the gp for help but when I’m out of my cocoon, I don’t feel the need to do it anymore. I also don’t want my family to know.

Last month my husband’s mother passed away from cancer. My mother in law, that I barely visited the last several months because I was weak. She battled for many years. We always tried to be there for her. We only live 10mins drive away. On my good days I’ll cook and we’d take it to her place for lunch or dinner. Or my husband will drop her the cake that I made, or we’ll take her out with us to the park. But the last several months, I haven’t been there for her. I was weak and selfish, and I wasn’t there when she needed support the most. We knew she’s fighting cancer but no one knew she was going last month.

So now that I’ve decided to get help, I’m not sure how to do it without my husband knowing. He’s got enough on his plate so I can’t put the worry on him. I’ve thought of talking to him but I know that’s not fair for him.

Shoul I tell him?

••Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry if it wasn’t an easy read as I’ve been having difficulty to concentrate or letting words come out of me.

[startingnew]

hello and welcome

Im sorry you havent had a response yet. Going off your post, your husband sounds really supportive and telling him would be best. Letting him know your going to seek help isnt anything to be ashamed about, he might even feel abit relieved that your willing to learn more about your emotions and how to manage them more efficiently so you can function better. I would even encourage him to see someone too if he is struggling.

I really want to commend you for sharing your story and also recognising that you need more help and supports, that isnt an easy thing to do at all.

Please keep chatting to us here, we are listening

[smallwolf]

Mysts,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. I am not a trained professional. I am just like you - just another user on the forum that suffers from anxiety and depression. I will give you my story if it helps.

For the last number of years there were days in the year when I would feel down. But I would get over it... if you gave me a few days. But I was also very irritable, short temper etc. Mostly I would let the frustration grow inside me. Why? because I worked from home, had nobody really to talk to etc. In Oct '17 I had a breakdown of sorts. At that time I could not talk to my wife because she was at work. Instead I rang my Mum, crying down the phone line. The previous night I did the K10 test at the beyond blue site. (It popped up on a google search when I entered my "symptoms"). In that call I also found out my father had been on ADs for some years. Mum gave me advice on what to do next. From the K10 test it said I should see a GP. So I did. I cannot remember whether I had told my wife I was going to see a GP. I think that I did, because after that consult, I recall telling her I was being referred to a psych for a second opinion. Since that day, I have been seeing her every 2 weeks, and more recently a psychiatrist was added to the mix. For myself it was relief to know these thoughts I was having are "real" (if irrational) and there was a way to fix me or manage it. I recall telling her that I would be getting a mental health plan and seeing the psychologist again. After the 6th session (or thereabouts) I was shown the report that went back to the GP which indicated I had severe depression, anxiety and suicidal (thoughts). Before then I just a "mental illness". In the new year (2018) there was a party my wife and I were invited to. I didn't go. But when my wife came home, I said that I would explain why I didn't go at coffee the next day. So we went and had coffee, and that was when I opened up to her about everything (in the sessions). Will skip over the part where I made her cry. I think it was because she felt helpless. But here is the thing. If I say something (text message) where she can read that I really down, she tells me to remember that she and the kids love me. And as hard as though word are to read, she becomes my support and life line. And will talk to me over the phone.

I know you don't want to tell your husband, but I am sure he would appreciate knowing. In some way, it has deepened our relationship.

Hope this helps,

Tim

[therising]

Hi Mysts

So relieved and happy for you that you are going to seek help. As I say to people (including my 13 and 15yo kids), 'Seeing we don't come with an instruction manual, sometimes it makes sense to see someone who understands how the brain works'. My kids know I struggled with depression for some time in the earlier part of my life which is a piece of knowledge that helps us keep the lines of communication open when they feel they have problems they need help with. I tell them whether it is personal or professional assistance they are seeking at any stage of their life, they have my support. The message is clear; mental health issues are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of struggle.

Easy to say but don't beat yourself up too much about not being there for your mother-in-law. When I look back on what my brain was like in depression, I can understand my actions and how I was pretty amazing in regard to just being able to get through each day. Depression can give the impression of us choosing to be selfish but in reality with the battle being an internal one it can be almost impossible for us to shift focus away from that battle no matter how much we want to.

It may be of some comfort for your husband, for you to let him know that his mother's passing is a wake-up call regarding your need to seek help and in turn be more present for him (if that is possible in the process). Was wondering whether it would actually be a relief of sorts for him, knowing you are going to take this positive step. Perhaps he's hoping for change and this news will be something that brings hope, not concern. My husband has never fully understood the emotional and chemical impact of depression but at least, during those dark years, he supported my course of action in managing my depression.

Take care