So very lost, scared and confused.

[Guest_1211]

How can I be I so petrified of something happening to me, or getting sick, or not being here for my kids, but at the same time wish I wasn’t here?
Why do I bother to try and heal my injuries, stop my migraines, to feel better, but then intentionally hurt myself a few minutes later?
Why do I desperately await a chance to try and talk to someone about how I am feeling, and then freeze up and waste my time once I’m there?
Why do I spend whole hours consumed in my own hopelessness and self-loathing, then underplay just how desperately bad I am feeling when asked?
Why do I smile when I want to scream?
How can I see no shame in anyone else’s tears or pain, but am petrified of my own?
Why do I spend ages looking forward to something, planning and saving for it, then spend that whole time finally doing it, wanting to be in bed?
Why do I go bed exhausted, then lay there and not sleep?
How can I keep myself under control some aspects of my life and other parts feel so helpless?
How do I have so much patience for others, yet such quick judgement for myself?
How can I want to hurt myself so much but at the same time also want to feel nothing?
How can I keep getting through each day feeling like this? How can I work forward without a clear and tangible goal or timeline? How can I get the courage to take the help I need without feeling like an enormous burden? How can I justify my behavior to myself? How can I get some relief without letting anyone down? How can I even work out what the hell my problem is?

[smallwolf]

Kylie123456,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. I am not a trained professional. I am just like you - just another user on the forum that suffers from anxiety and depression. The questions you asked as the same as I have asked at different time overs of the past year, and I am seeing a psych on a regular basis. I am listening to you and the pain you feel. Your post seems to show a person wearing a mask? On the outside everything looks fine, but on the inside, it is a different picture? And you want to show your real self?

- Have you looked at the K10 test on beyond blue? After answering a small number of questions it will give you a recommendation, what actions to take.
- Have you spoken to a GP about these thoughts? If you do, suggest a long or double visit.
- Or have you or do you see a psychologist? This will help you manage whatever issues are present.

On the forums you will find other threads to help you manage your anxiety including...

Grounding yourself, What is it and how do you? - Beyondblue
Relaxation exercises - Beyondblue

Do a google search to find the above pages. As you are probably aware, knowing what your triggers help you manage it. My psychologist has also given me other tools, suggested apps to install my phone (only 2) and a 1 book to read.

If you have any questions or want to chat, please let me know.

Tim

[Guest_1211]

Thanks for the reply Tim. I think your mask analogy was rather apt.

I have started seeing a psychologist but I feel even worse because I have really only talked about surface issues and really frozen up whenever she went a little deeper.

I feel like I’m wasting our money, and her time and resources, but I can’t admit just how awful and hopeless I’m feeling. I am so angry with myself.

thanks for your suggestions. I will try some of them.

[geoff]

Hello Kylie123456, welcome to the forums.

I hear everything you are saying, and thanks Tim for your excellent comments, we know what's going on and how you are feeling.

Can I just say at the moment, is for you to write down everything that's troubling you on a piece of paper, not just the surface problems but those deep concerns, which are sometimes so hard to talk about if the psychologist doesn't have any idea.

Pass this sheet over to them, wait until they read it and for them to begin a conversation, if you like you can also say 'that you're worried about talking about this', then the psychologist will go easy on you.

The other option is, ask your GP for the 'mental health plan', this entitles you to 10 free sessions per year with your psych, this will help you to start your treatment.

Please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Back again.

I have been seeing my psych since last October and don't think we have gone into the deeper issues yet. Think that starts in the next session with core beliefs. But the way I see it is that in those previous sessions, I talk alot and she is trying to get a sense of who I am. So that when the real work starts we don't go down dead ends. Hope that makes sense.

Tim

[BonnieBoo]

this is exactly how i feel ! I don't want to get out of bed. I feel like such a failure. I only joined up tonight. finding it hard to work this forum. I wish it was real time. HUGS. I am also so lost in my life.