My tough-girl disguise is getting a little threadbare

[Litoria]

I hide my depression from everyone and it's exhausting.  The irony is I work for a mental health organisation who are focussed on breaking down stigma and encouraging people to talk about mental health.

So why can't I talk to the people around me, who are likely to be more understanding than anyone?

Appearing strong, brave, confident and ready for anything seems to be such a core part of how I want to portray myself.  I remember reaching out to my mum a few years ago when things were very bad, just before I started taking medication for the first time.  When I told her how weak and hopeless I felt she responded, with utter surprise, 'but you're the strongest person I know!'

Unfortunately this desire to show people that I'm doing ok has been a real barrier to getting help.  I will make an appointment with my doctor with the intention of getting a referral to a counsellor.  But when we're sitting face to face in that little pastel blue room and he says 'so how are you?' I say 'I'm fine!' and start to tell him about how well I'm doing and how I'm trying to do all of this really positive stuff to help myself. I don't need anybody! I've got this sorted!

When I have gone to see a counsellor in the past, I've done much the same.  After the first few sessions of unburdening, I feel the need to show them that they are helping me and that I'm trying hard, so I just start to say 'yeah, things are good, I think this is working really well, I'm feeling so much better'.  The problem is, we've never really got to the heart of my problems.  I think I just want them to approve of me and my progress and then I disengage.

Saying this here, recording it in little bits and bytes on the face of the internet, makes me really realise how unhelpful keeping a 'brave face' is.   But it is also very liberating to just let people in the world know that I'm not as tough as I like to think I am, and that it's ok. 

So thanks for listening to me, even though I don't know you, it's nice to know that there are people out there who know I'm just as frail and sensitive as everyone else.

[Lozano]

Tough Girl I know what you are saying about being strong I get the same answers from my family ( you are the strong one in the family) if only they knew how far from the truth that statement is I to work in a job were I am there to help family's and find I do my job great but that is were it ends as I can't help my self so please don't think you are alone because I think there are a lot of people out there just like us .How do we fix it I am not sure yet and that is our problem I think we always think we have to fix things and sometimes things just can't be fixed we help others and need to start helping our selfs but how ?....? Maybe we expect to much of our selfs maybe we need to give our self the time we put in to others I don't know if this will help you but I just wanted you to know you are not alone xxxx 

[Litoria]

Hi Lozano, thanks for your reply.  Having only just come to the BB Forums for the first time tonight it has been quite emotional, in a positive way, to hear just how not-alone I am.  There's a big difference between recognising, in theory, that others must be having the same experiences, but actually reading others' stories and knowing that you are not alone, sometimes down to the funniest little detail, is very encouraging.

The needing to fix everything is my big schtick at the moment.  And reading your comment, and some other threads on the forum, made me think - why am I so convinced that everything is broken?  Even as I sit here amongst the piles of snotty tissues and piles of take-away food containers, with the dirty laundry piling up in the corner and the pot plants wilting from neglect, I'm thinking maybe it's not really broken, it's just a little worn out, but it will right itself with in time, with some gentle attention, with some TLC.  That feels a lot better straight away, I don't have to feel guilty and stressed about trying (or failing) to fix something if it's not really broken in the first place.

[BenD]

Hi Litoria,

It also sounds like you could use some more time for yourself? It must be pretty exhausting working in the sector and then dealing with your own problems at the same time.

Perhaps you can add some more self-love to the altruism 🙂

All the best,

Ben

[geoff]

dear Litoria, well this is a very strong comment that you have posted, in my opinion, but firstly welcome to the site.

Please I mean no harm when I say this, so please bare with me.

The biggest flaw that someone may have is when they do work in a mental health organisation helping other people overcome their problems, so of course it's expected that you are capable of achieving this, but the biggest problem is that they never appreciate what issues you may have outside of work, or even inside of your work, so there is no daily, weekly or monthly check-ups to even consider how you are coping, but then this causes another problem, in so far as you are too scared to tell them the whole truth, because of fear to lose your job.

Everyone has their breaking point, so when you do go and visit your doctor it's all taken in full confidence, as that's the doctor legal right for no one else to know what was said.

I often say that the word 'fine' is a dead give-away, and I say that as 'a coin of a phrase', because what it does indicate is that the person is not feeling well, rather than  'feeling great' or sh*********se, two distinctive words indicating how you feel, but 'fine' is an aloof word and would tell your doctor and/or counsellor that there is something wrong going on with you, but they can't force you, and I'm sure would be disappointed in that they can't help you.

Even if they do approve of what you say, then that's good, but can I ask how you feel a few hours later, and this is the crux of the problem, ecause you will srtill be struggling.

I am so pleased that you written in, and hope that you have the gist of what I have said, but please get back to us. L Geoff. x