My story

[caroline_]

I just turned 33, and I've been struggling with mental health issues for most of my life. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Adjustment Disorder, not currently on any medication. 

I was bullied throughout primary school (from year 3 - 6), the other children in my year decided I had 'germs' and wouldn't touch me or else they would catch my germs. By the time I went to high school I had developed terrible anxiety issues and had extremely low self-esteem. I was unable to make friends and had a lot of trouble fitting in. I realised I was depressed when I was 16, but I could never tell anyone how I felt (and at the same time my brother got cancer, so I felt more alone than ever). I was suicidal for a few years. I finally had the courage to see a doctor the year after I left school, and I was put on anti-depressants, but was not able to make myself see a counsellor or speak to anyone. My life changed when my family moved away from our home town, and I got a job in a childcare centre. Things started to get better, and life didn't seem so bad. 

The past 13 years have been a rollercoster. I have periods when I'm fine and happy, but then my anxiety takes over, closely followed by the depression. I saw a psychiatrist in (I think) 2006 after I had a breakdown at work, and she diagnosed me, but I only saw her 6 times because I never felt any better and often a lot worse after the appointments. I quit my job because I felt I was being bullied by the director and her friend who was running the nursery, after disclosing my depression to them. I intended to go on a European tour, but I had a panic attack in London and came home after 4 days. I still hate myself for that. I have never had a relationship because of my anxiety and depression, and I still live at home.

Currently I'm at university and almost finished my early childhood teaching degree. I have taken advantage of the free health and counselling there, but I had a very intense depressive and anxious period last year where I was suicidal. It's not so bad now, but I still feel down and anxious. I have suicidal ideations every day and in general I hate who I am. I'm struggling to finish my final assignment for my degree, and I have a huge amount of anxiety about going out to to teach. My counsellor has said that I don't have to teach, but I know I do. All I've ever wanted is to be a preschool teacher, but I can't get over the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't know if it's even possible to be a teacher with mental health issues, I can't find any (Australian) information about it at all, and I'm afraid to disclose it to anyone because of what happened last time I did. I feel like a complete failure. 

[geoff]

dear Mel, I am so sorry that your family has been cursed with all of these terrible genetics.

From the way you have responded to others on this site, you are a loving and most caring lady, and I'm sure that you support all of these people especially your daughter.

Take care. L Geoff. xx

[Mel_D_1978]

Thanks Geoff and I love your dogs too cute!

[mee]

hi caroline

god i admire you for your perseverance 

i wish i was close to finishing a degree ,id be too scared to even attempt one, i tried some study and i was a massive failure , i was so far out of my depth ,,,,,,,,,,

im 45 and have several major issues going on, including realizing i may be unemployed thru being stitched up by people with personal agendas , my body is worn and sore and i cant see a future , im lost big time currently and severely depressed , i only wish i was as confident , successful and GERM FREE  as you are ,

keep marching on, you will get there, u have it in you obviously

again,,,,,,, much admiration

🐵

[caroline_]

Thanks for words of support. I really enjoy working with children, but I don't feel like I'll ever be good enough to be a proper teacher. I hate myself so much and I just want to die.

[TristanM]

Caroline,

If you enjoy working with children, then you will most definitely be good enough to be a fantastic teacher - as you have a passion for it that many others do not have. 

That said - it is not what you do for a career that defines you as a person. From your story above, you seem to be a caring, intelligent individual, and whether or not you work as a pre-school teacher or not will not change that at all. If you're struggling to finish the last assignment, try having some small piece of motivation near your study area (for me, as an economist, it was the name of a prominent economist, whom I wish to emulate), just as a visual cue for what you are working for. 

I'm sure you, and everybody else here, knows people who made far inferior teachers to whatever you will become, so keep working at it, and your passion will show through.

[geoff]

dear Caroline, the total enjoyment of watching little kids running around the playground and when one falls over and a little drop of blood appears, and then the tears begin to flow, Ms Caroline, or whatever their own little nickname they call you by, 'I'm hurt', so they want be consoled by you, this puts a shiver down your spine, full of love for this poor little girl, 'it will be alright darling, let's go and get a band aid'. L Geoff. x