My story

[caroline_]

I just turned 33, and I've been struggling with mental health issues for most of my life. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Adjustment Disorder, not currently on any medication. 

I was bullied throughout primary school (from year 3 - 6), the other children in my year decided I had 'germs' and wouldn't touch me or else they would catch my germs. By the time I went to high school I had developed terrible anxiety issues and had extremely low self-esteem. I was unable to make friends and had a lot of trouble fitting in. I realised I was depressed when I was 16, but I could never tell anyone how I felt (and at the same time my brother got cancer, so I felt more alone than ever). I was suicidal for a few years. I finally had the courage to see a doctor the year after I left school, and I was put on anti-depressants, but was not able to make myself see a counsellor or speak to anyone. My life changed when my family moved away from our home town, and I got a job in a childcare centre. Things started to get better, and life didn't seem so bad. 

The past 13 years have been a rollercoster. I have periods when I'm fine and happy, but then my anxiety takes over, closely followed by the depression. I saw a psychiatrist in (I think) 2006 after I had a breakdown at work, and she diagnosed me, but I only saw her 6 times because I never felt any better and often a lot worse after the appointments. I quit my job because I felt I was being bullied by the director and her friend who was running the nursery, after disclosing my depression to them. I intended to go on a European tour, but I had a panic attack in London and came home after 4 days. I still hate myself for that. I have never had a relationship because of my anxiety and depression, and I still live at home.

Currently I'm at university and almost finished my early childhood teaching degree. I have taken advantage of the free health and counselling there, but I had a very intense depressive and anxious period last year where I was suicidal. It's not so bad now, but I still feel down and anxious. I have suicidal ideations every day and in general I hate who I am. I'm struggling to finish my final assignment for my degree, and I have a huge amount of anxiety about going out to to teach. My counsellor has said that I don't have to teach, but I know I do. All I've ever wanted is to be a preschool teacher, but I can't get over the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't know if it's even possible to be a teacher with mental health issues, I can't find any (Australian) information about it at all, and I'm afraid to disclose it to anyone because of what happened last time I did. I feel like a complete failure. 

[Ashrose]

Hi Caroline,  you're certainly no failure.  Getting this far in your degree, especially with anxiety issues is a big achievement.  I'm not sure you'd need to declare any mental health issues before getting a teaching job, but I'd try and get a job anyway. Especially if its all you've ever wanted to do, getting a job and fulfilling that dream will give you a huge amount of pride and satisfaction.

~Ashrose

[ModeratorA]

Hi caroline, well done for contacting this forum and sharing your story. It sounds like it is hard for you to let others know how you are going so congratulations for connecting here at the beyondblue forum.

It certainly does sound like that as difficult as it might feel to do, it is really important that you go see somebody about these feelings you are having.

There is heaps of support out there, you just need to find the right type/person  for you. Try your GP, and let him.her know how you have been feeling. Maybe it is worth thinking about medication again, however this is only part of the puzzle. There are some great techniques you can learn that will help you with these feelings. Speak to your uni counsellor about these, he/she can teach you some CBT techniques, you can work together to find out what techniques help you best. 

You are not alone, many people suffer with the same/similar difficulties you have explained. Often people don't mention it because they are worried how others might react. There is no need to feel this way, these problems are not uncommon and there are things you can do with the right support to get on top of these difficulties.

When you are managing these problems there is no reason why you can't finish your studies and have a great career ahead of you. First however, you need to get the right support to help you manage these feelings.

Let us know how you are going,

the moderators

[Fee]

Hi Caroline, I can really relate to your story and yes you can teach and have a mental illness. I have had a severe depression for the past nine years and recently did my teaching at uni as well, I can relate to feeling not good enough. I hope that you manage to find work, I only work casually as I can't cope with full time work but the days I teach I find my mood improves, being surrounding by the kids helps me feel like I am worth something, it helps my confidence and self value. The kids can't see the depression and they brighten up your day. Stick with it and submit your final assessments. I wish you all the best and hope the kids help with your mood and anxiety.  

[caroline_]

It is incredibly difficult for me to speak to people about my problems. I can't even tell my parents. It's easier to type it and tell strangers on the internet for some reason. The more depressed I get, the less I want to talk - it's just physically hard for me to speak sometimes. I can't think, my mind goes blank. I get so much anxiety about how people react and what they think of me. For a very long time, since I was a child, I assumed that everyone hated me, whether they knew me or not. My counsellor usually just helps with uni stuff, and can be very airy-fairy about suggesting solutions - things like homeopathy and the like. I am able to talk with her - to a point. 

I'm just sick of dealing with myself. I feel so stupid and pathetic that I can't just be normal. 

[geoff]

dear Caroline, there's always been a great discussion about whether you should tell your employer if you have depression, and my view is that you shouldn't, because you don't know who will accept it or who won't, and if something goes wrong then the depressed person is the first to be blamed.

A lot of people have the same problem as you do, that is, 'it's easier to type it and tell strangers on the internet', because talking face to face we just seem to lock up, and we don't tell them something but can do it by typing, it's much more convenient, and it is.

You have three major parts of depression and each one by itself is bad enough, but with three then it restricts so much. L Geoff. x

[caroline_]

I... know I need help. But good old anxiety is holding me back as usual. I've spent all evening intending to go on the web chat, with the form filled out, but I couldn't click the button. I could never phone a help line. 

I realised last night how much anxiety has ruined my life, ever since I was a child. Almost all my dreams have been crushed because I get too scared about... everything I suppose. The what-ifs just run around and around and around in my head, followed by the you're not good enough and you never ever will be.

[Mel_D_1978]

I have maybe more than a few mental health problems but like you I am going to be a pre school teacher. Kids are gorgeous honest little humans and your life experience can only make you a better teacher.

[geoff]

dear Mel, are you in limbo at the moment because of your health problems.

Little kids are terrific little people, and I am truly hoping that my little grand daughter who is one and a half years old doesn't have the bad genes that I have, OCD and depression, as my son, her Dad has OCD as well, as they say 'fingers crossed'. Geoff.

[Mel_D_1978]

Hey Geoff,

I have bad genetics, my family in general has bad genetics. I have a daughter who's diabetic and on 5 injections a day plus 8 blood glucose test a day. I have a mother who has breast cancer, I have an Uncle with lukemia , I even have a cousin whos been given two weeks to live. My family has a full history of mental illness, depression. anxiety and suicide. I suffer depression, anxiety, self harm and I hear voices in my head. I just think I would be setting a bad example for my daughter if I didn't show her I had some "fight" left in me, and if I so happen to commit suicide one day at least she can look at me and say she tried her hardest to live her dreams.