My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 · ‎06-10-2014

Where to begin. I’ve struggled with depression for around fifteen years. It’s been a struggle to say the least. I was abused emotional/verbal/psychological by my mother. As a visible minority in non multi-cultural small town, I’ve also experienced high levels of racism. When I was younger (late teens/early twenties) something inside of me knew that I couldn’t start my life until my family issues were resolved. I swallowed my pride and starting seeing a counsellor – one of many to this day. At that age, I was very ashamed of not only the change I was feeling internally, but I was also very ashamed of the dysfunction that was occurring at home. My counsellor naturally suggested that I ask the family member who abused me to join, but unfortunately she was unwilling to acknowledge the truth behind what was going on, at that point in her life. This made me not only feel rejected, but it communicated the opposite of what was preached at home (being accountable and resolving our issues). I started having suicidal thoughts and would play-out vivid fantasies of ending my life. As the thoughts of suicide got worse, I ended up sharing with my parents. I knew I needed emotional support, but it was something they we're unwilling to give at that time in their life - I believe they were in denial about the effects of their abuse. I remember crying for so long, I felt like I completely drained myself of both my tears and emotions. I struggled with violence, promiscuity, drugs, and alcohol throughout my twenties. I’ve tried many things (prescriptions, psychiatry, counselling, anger management); I’ve wanted nothing less than to lead a normal life. I used to get so upset with myself, because I felt like I was unable to control my emotions and just 'get over everything' (I’d randomly break-out in tears; and often felt emotionally fragile and weak around dominant personalities). I was constantly getting bullied/targeted at work (I suffer from extreme anxiety, which makes me come across as either weird or snooty). I ended-up losing two jobs in a row and decided to take a year off and just write/focus on getting better. Within the last year I've rededicated my life to the Lord. I've decided to fight the spirit behind depression and started opening-up about this illness. My dream has always been to write a novel, so I've decided to write a story about the struggles of depression. I've started my journey of facing down the issues behind my emotional scars.

Doolhof · ‎09-10-2014

Hi Littleme,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thanks for adding your story here and letting us know how you are feeling. It sounds like you have been managing kind of okay with your depression and anxiety, but at times it just gets a bit too much for you. I am sure we can all relate to that.

Congratulations to you for finding a part time job! Well done. Having work to go to wether it is voluntary or paid can certainly help to build up a person's self esteem. I am not sure if you are male or female, either way, if you have hobbies or interests or even something you have thought you might like to try, you may be able to find groups or clubs related to your interests that you can attend.

Count yourself as very fortunate to have a partner and a friend whom you can call everyday and who support you so well, along with your family. I can understand your desire to also gain more self confidence by not needing to call them every day. Maybe you could have4 a chat with your partner and best friend, and say you are going to try to phone every second day, then maybe every third day. Give it a try.

You could search the internet to find sites on how to improve your self esteem. There might be some good suggestions there.

Just another thought, it is fantastic you have had the courage, strength and will to share your story here. Maybe if you set up a post of your own under "Depression" you might find that more people will reply to you directly. I haven't been here at Beyond Blue for very long, but I think that is the best way to really get your own story across.

You can certainly continue to connect with me and others here as well, just if you have your own post, your story will be read by more people usually.

I'm not wanting to discourage you in any way, but to encourage you instead. By starting your own post you can reach out to more of us here in the Beyond Blue Community, and more "friends" will then have the opportunity to give you help and advice.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools.

ontarioguy35 · ‎10-10-2014

Hi Littleme,

Thank you for posting 🙂 I can really relate to the 'set-backs' being difficult. I to have a hard time with them, and many times my mind will become flooded and I dwell on them (which only increases their longevity). It's a battle for sure, but the fact that you understand this, makes you more equipped to properly manage these feelings that are triggered by set-backs.

Tbh, I've personally felt the exact same way as you, regarding relying on certain friends to help curve my lonliness and to help me. The way I look at it (for me and in my life), it was like baby steps. When I was feeling very deflated, I used to lean more on certain friends that I trusted. I desired growth and found that knowing these people were always there for me if I needed them, gave me the confidence to stand on my own for longer periods of time. I used to hate being alone, and used many things as distractions. Now I really, really value my alone time (self-reflection; recharging; de-stressing). I still rely on my friends (I don't think that will every change) however, our dynamic shifted from one of reliance, to one of available support. I've personally found that one of the biggest struggles with depressions was get to a place where I was peaceful and comfortable to be by myself. I found that when I was alone, that was when the negative thoughts tormented me the most. If I can pass along any advice from what I've learned, is simply much along the lines of what Doolhof suggested. Baby steps 🙂 We're all growing and learning and any step in a positive direction is a good one, imo 🙂 Also, each of us is different and unique regarding our strengths, weaknesses, support(s), ect. I think the wisest thing you could have done was communicate it on here, around people who understand and will be as supportive as possible. I think your desire to gain more gain more independence is a direct reflection of a very caring and empathetic heart, that is showing compassion and concern for your friends. It's an honor to hear this and good on you for being so strong! Please feel free to chat or ask anything at all in the future and I'd love to hear the choice you choose and how it works for you. It's always a learning process, and it's great to learn from one anothers' journeys 🙂

OG

ontarioguy35 · ‎10-10-2014

Hi Mares,

I wrote you a very long response, regarding my opinion on 'faith' but there must have been a technical issue, because I don't see it here in this thread. I'm just on my way out the door, but wanted to be sure to field your question (it's a very important one).

For myself, I found I was riddled with disbelief (I'd go through the motions, but didn't allow the Lord to work 'supernaturally' or spiritually in my life). I had a near life experience and just realized that this journey of life is not only very short, but I seemed to get too caught-up in the world and all the evil things that take place. All there is, is love. When it's all said and done, we'll never wish we had more unforgiveness or hate or anything that's not love based. We'll always wish that we had forgiven as much as possible to open-up our capacity to love more and show not only our loved ones, but even strangers that there are people that aren't willing to let the dirt of the world hide the love they have. I believe the Lord's changed me (I've just been obedient, and it's been so difficult) and I just feel joyful. Our world works that way though. We get more joy from giving than from receiving. There is a lot of power in that concept. When I read about how you were there for your father after all he did, that too me is a testament of the capacity of love and strength that you have! Isn't that not hating the person, but rather fighting against the spirit behind the horrible actions. And to use love to fight against anything hateful, to me is like using water against a fire. Or light against darkness. I have a lot of admiration for the strength you've shown. I believe that you are a bigger light then you'll every know 🙂 (the bible really talks a lot about humility :-)) Anways, all I can say, my friend, is I used to limit the work the Lord was always desiring to do in my life. I dropped pride and made the Lord my first priority again and although things didn't make sense, I've been obedient and it's amazing how much things have changed. I've learned that keeping a spiritual diary (I keep one for mind, body, and soul individually) will really help you to track growth. The beginning for me was reading the bible with the desire to learn more 🙂

I'm running low on the word count, but please feel free to ask anything Mares. I'd love to chat more with you in a religiously respectful manner (it's all about sharing and not trying to force our beliefs) 🙂

Richju · ‎16-08-2023

Hi Ontario Guy

I loved reading your positive post and agree that spirituality can be of major help when combating depression.

Friendships and relationships can be difficult but recently I've been looking into Non-violent communication. This has been really helpful in developing empathy and saying what you need to without judging the other person.

I now realise that my marriage would have been much more successful if we had both communicated more effectually.

So good on you Ontario Guy. I believe you are on the right track to mental health and I'd enjoy corresponding with you further.

Kindest regards,

Richju