My Story - Depression/Anxiety

[ontarioguy35]

Where to begin.  I’ve struggled with depression for around fifteen years.  It’s been a struggle to say the least.  I was abused emotional/verbal/psychological by my mother.  As a visible minority in non multi-cultural small town, I’ve also experienced high levels of racism.  When I was younger (late teens/early twenties) something inside of me knew that I couldn’t start my life until my family issues were resolved.  I swallowed my pride and starting seeing a counsellor – one of many to this day.  At that age, I was very ashamed of not only the change I was feeling internally, but I was also very ashamed of the dysfunction that was occurring at home.  My counsellor naturally suggested that I ask the family member who abused me to join, but unfortunately she was unwilling to acknowledge the truth behind what was going on, at that point in her life.  This made me not only feel rejected, but it communicated the opposite of what was preached at home (being accountable and resolving our issues).  I started having suicidal thoughts and would play-out vivid fantasies of ending my life.  As the thoughts of suicide got worse, I ended up sharing with my parents.  I knew I needed emotional support, but it was something they we're unwilling to give at that time in their life - I believe they were in denial about the effects of their abuse.  I remember crying for so long, I felt like I completely drained myself of both my tears and emotions.  I struggled with violence, promiscuity, drugs, and alcohol throughout my twenties.  I’ve tried many things (prescriptions, psychiatry, counselling, anger management); I’ve wanted nothing less than to lead a normal life.  I used to get so upset with myself, because I felt like I was unable to control my emotions and just 'get over everything' (I’d randomly break-out in tears; and often felt emotionally fragile and weak around dominant personalities).  I was constantly getting bullied/targeted at work (I suffer from extreme anxiety, which makes me come across as either weird or snooty).  I ended-up losing two jobs in a row and decided to take a year off and just write/focus on getting better. Within the last year I've rededicated my life to the Lord.  I've decided to fight the spirit behind depression and started opening-up about this illness. My dream has always been to write a novel, so I've decided to write a story about the struggles of depression.  I've started my journey of facing down the issues behind my emotional scars.

[geoff]

dear OG, whow, what a great response you have been able to get from all these lovely people, who have been done a similar road to you.

It doesn't matter if you yourself believe in a faith, a God or any other spiritual force, if that's what you find helpful then that's what you should follow, and because I personally don't have any religious belief, doesn't mean that I am right in having my own beliefs and to criticise you, because there's no purpose for me to do this.

Well there are so many excellent points that have been made, so I don't need to reiterate them, so maybe I can explain my situation which may relate back to you.

Many of the problems I had while growing up starting at school were all hidden by my OCD a really powerful illness that makes you do habits and rituals which psychologically disturb you.

It can help you in situations where you are emotionally and physically abused, although the former was the worst, because I was a big kid, often known as the 'good bully' in primary school, even though within this person there lay a great deal anxiety all hidden by my OCD, so virtually I was a closed unit, and when any situation became worse I would climb into this unit, which no one could penetrate.

I easily could get upset as a child, and the reasons were if I was ostracised, felt unsure of myself when all my 'mates' were going out with girlfriends, because I never had any confidence, let alone go out with any female, so my depression was sizzling away, but again hidden so that no one knew, so I climbed back into my OCD shell.

The only situation I really liked was my sport where I could play without any trouble of doing any habits or rituals, this was my only relief.

I will have to continue on with this. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dear OG thank you for all your responses & insight you have shared with others. As some know, I grew up in a family where my alcoholic father abused me emotionally, physically & sexually. Towards the end of his life he was homeless & very sick. Noone in my family would go to the hospital when a social worker located us & asked for a family member to visit & help discuss options. I did go. I helped him get housing, help for depression & rang him each day. I saw him as a man in deep pain & not the violent father who terrorized me. I came to accept he had suffered so much. Sadly he committed suicide 3 yes ago but I'm glad I did what I did. I was also sexually assaulted by a Priest when I was 13. Only now am I facing this through the Royal Commission. Then 2 yes ago I was sexually assaulted by a stranger & my husband got acute leukemia with a poor outlook. I still struggle with very low self esteem, blame myself for most things, get bad bouts of anxiety & have isolated myself to the point I' m alone all day. Yet I crave the social bubbly person I used to be. I know I have so much to accept & live with. I'm just still struggling with the effects of what I've experienced. I would do anything to help someone else yet I haven't yet learnt how to accept myself. I have self hate & self doubt. I'm reading "The Happiness Trap" which I really relate to. I crave feeling a sense of peace. I feel I am existing rather than actively engaging in life. So much fear. So I have a lot to work through. I admire your courage. You are obviously now able to confront past traumas & work through them. I hope to learn this. I try to be humble. I am patient & care deeply for others. I still have a hard journey to address my issues. Thank you for your insight, your ability to face what's happened in your life & work through it is admirable. You have great strength & courage. You are inspiring. I'm so glad for you that you've accepted yourself & can now work through things you need to without being overtaken by self hate.  I'd love to talk to you more. You show the difference that having hope & trust can make in one's life. Given the raw pain you previously experienced I have such gratitude for you sharing your experience. Please stay with us. Your a strong honest special person who much can be learned from. Big hug! Love Mares x


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[ontarioguy35]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply.

I hear what you're saying, regarding God and Faith.  I'm not one to push my beliefs, however, I always feel the need to give credit where credit is due 🙂

Regarding your OCD, thank you for sharing.  You seem to have an immense amount of insight into this disorder, which I'm sure has not only helped your in your life, but has (and will continue) to be a powerful tool to help others who are going through similar situations. 

How is your OCD today?  Do you find that you still rely on rituals or habits?  I've found that organized sports has really helped me as well.  I found for myself, I have both an over-active imagination, as well as I seem to feel the need to 'make sense' or analyze the mess out of everything.  When I'm truly 'zoned' into a sport, I find I can just focus on what I'm doing and take things 'step-by-step', in the moment.  I've found that my life parallels this as well, in terms of I often get carried away fantasizing or thinking about how things in the present can evolve into the future, instead of just being 'in the moment' and living 'one day at a time'.  I'm not sure if this is symptomatic of OCD as well or not though (It's like I desire control over any direction I choose).  Being aware of it is the first step though, so I'm doing my best to continually apply what I've learned.

I'd like to chat more and learn more when you're free, Geoff.  Thanks again for responding.

[Doolhof]

Hi to everyone contributing here,

   There really is some great encouragement, acceptance and help happening here. Isn't that what we all strive for in life, to feel accepted as we are, to receive encouragement and help when we need it. I am so very thankful I have managed to find Beyond Blue. Before connecting here, I did a lot of trying to look after myself, and often just went around in endless circles!

   I do have a couple of close friends whom I share my depression with, my bad days and the really ugly ones as well. It is interesting to get my friend's feed back, as one is a Christian and the other believes in the powers of the universe and consulting with the dead. The last lady has her own views and I have mine. It is not for me to judge anyone. but like you OntarioGuy, I have so much to thank God for.

   AGrace, you asked about forgiveness. I have always found it easier to forgive others than myself for many years. I am so thankful I don't feel that way any more. To me forgiveness and acceptance go hand in hand. There are lots of events in life we will never be able to forget, but to smother those dark occasions with forgiveness and acceptance helps me.

   Here's a funny little story about forgiveness. My first husband used to beat me up frequently and enjoyed doing even more if his mates were around. The next day he would always ask for forgiveness. Then it would happen again. In the end I left him and he found out where I was hiding from him. I told him that I forgave him for all he had done to me and he told me there was nothing to forgive him for as he was my husband, I was his wife and he could do to me what he liked.

   To help me over that time with him, I have prayed for God to fill me with His amazing love, peace and comfort and I have forgiven him. I have accepted that what happened was not at all my fault. I really don't like that expression that "it takes two to tango!"

   I have tried to tell other people face to face that I have forgiven them, some have laughed in my face and others have asked what on earth do I think they have done that needs forgiving. A bit like my first husband. So to answer your question AGrace, forgiveness for me is in my heart and in my mind and is not often spoken out lous to the other person involved.

  I'm so thankful I forgive myself, that I believe I am here for a purpose, that I can make a difference to the world, and I have God's love to share with others.

Cheers , Mrs. Dools

[Mares73]

Dear OG (& friends) I shared my private story above. Don't think you've read it yet. I just wanted to add that in no way do I see myself as a victim of such abuse & trauma. But on the other hand I struggle with my sense of self -my psych says it's because I never received any validation for who I am growing up & the majority of my experience has been trying to deal with the effects of what's happened to me. For example psych encouraged strongly to go to Royal Commission to be heard & validated. So I went. But I came out feeling empty-thinking I've just told my story to a stranger whose hearing stories to inform changes in the church etc yet they are not going to look into this priest who I discover is still working with kids. That's outside their terms. So I can't possibly feel at ease & have now sought legal help to have my case put to the Church itself where they will have to look at this Priest & I hope for an apology from the church for silencing my mum many years ago when she sought help from senior clergy. I am terrified I admit freely. The priest will be told of my allegations & can respond but the evidence is strong & whilst I never did it forccompensation-i did it for other girls-if I'm compensated I will accept that. Where I think I struggle is how to build a strong sense of self outside my experiences. "The Happiness Trap" is a bit along Buddhist principles. It says we can't change our thoughts & feelings but we can work on the power we give them rather than taking action along the lines of where we want to be. So one example would be I'm very anxious, I try to observe this & acknowledge yes I'm very anxious. Have I been here before? Yes. Will struggling with my feelings help? No. So I accept I'm anxious & sit with it not struggling & then think what action could I take right now that would put me back on the path I want to be? And try & take that action whilst still anxious & see how it changes. It goes against CBT which I never found realistic & is great for those who have tried other approaches that don't work. Fear & avoidance are my battles.  Not easy to put into practice but far better than been told to chang my thinking & feelings more positively which is how I found CBT. I'm amazed at what you've achieved emotionally & you suggest it's all a result of help from the church & your faith. I truly find that incredible. Do you still experience bouts of anxiety & depression? I'm running out of Word limit. Hope you can reply Lve Mares x

[Mares73]

P's OG I forgot to say having grown up in the Catholic faith one of the big phrases was "things happen as they are meant too". Now if you've read my posts you'll probably understand why I struggle with that. How could those things be meant to be? To make me a stronger pwrson? They have traumatized me & damaged me. I really am confused about faith. Look at the suffering in the third world-is that God & how could any positives come from that? I'm really interested in your perspective. What if you were hit by a serious bout of depression-an illness-how would you view it now & what help would you seek? Sorry if I've overloaded you with my posts. Love Mares x

[ontarioguy35]

Thanks for the response Mrs. Dools... I agree that there is a lot of sharing, support, and encouragement going on in this post and I'm truly thankful to each one of you for sharing/interacting.

I'm finding this site to be very important as well.  I've been blessed with friends that I can open-up to about depression, however, this past year, I found myself really distancing myself from everyone and well, that left me a lot of time to analyze and 'spin the wheels in the mud'.  I feel it was needed though 🙂

I'm sorry to hear about your ex husband's abuse, but am very happy to hear that you are no longer exposed to it.  It sounds like you've found your forgiveness and are moving forward in your life.  This is very encouraging to hear and I wish you all the best.

I too don't agree with the cliché, 'it takes too to tango'.  Sometimes this is true, but sometimes one person is the victim to another persons aggression (miss placed anger).  I find that people in denial will use anything to justify what they're doing (I've been guilty of this many times in the past too).  This just reinforces my desire to be as brutally honest as I can be with myself.  I don't ever see a reason for me to take my aggression out on anyone else, so I do my best to face my fears and insecurities and when it all becomes too much, I reach-out to friends and family and now here 🙂  You sound like you've really matured emotionally Mrs. Dools; this is really nice to hear (true growth always comes at the cost of pain).

I give you a lot of credit for having the strength to vocalize your forgiveness.  Sometimes it's not accepted, but that's out of our control.  Good for you, for having the desire and composure to do this, it must take a lot of strength 🙂

[ontarioguy35]

Hi Mares,

Thanks for your reply and for sharing such intimate parts of your past and the abuse you've survived.  I gain so much strength by reading your testimony.  To hear that you reached-out to your father (after all that he did) and helped him is a testament to the compassion that you have in your heart.  I really admire how you were able to look past his actions and see the hurt man that was tormented by all of the pain.  I've found that has been the key for me as well - to not detest the person, but rather detest the actions or spirit behind the actions (anger, hate, jealousy, ect.). 

That is horrible to hear that you were sexually assaulted by a Priest.  I wish I could say that this is the first time I've heard about Priest doing this, but sadly I can't.  Also, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you two years ago, and about your husbands diagnosis.  I wish I had the proper words to say to you, but I don't.  But I can and will send my support to you and if you ever need to talk to vent or whatever, please feel free to send me a message.  This must be very tough what you are going through.

I too struggle with self-loathing and low self-esteem.  I find the root cause of depression for myself is allowing these past situations to create this bubble of fear that is based off truths that I've experienced. 

You are a very strong person Mares and I'm certain that you are a light in many, many people's lives.

I will look for "The Happiness Trap" the next time I'm at the library.  Thanks for sharing.  I can relate to your feeling of desiring 'peace', I feel the same way.  I felt/feel like my internal climate is a constant storm, and all I desire is a day of peaceful, calming weather, so I can 'relax' and just be. 

Thanks again for sharing, and I will most certainly do my best to answer your questions on another post.

OntarioGuy

How have you been holding up?  Do you have

[geoff]

dear OG, thanks for replying back to all of us, and I would like to comment on certain comments from these wonderful people, but what I want to do is that yes I am so willing to talk to you about OCD as I have had it for 54 to 55 years, as I have just turned 60 years old, old hey, but what's the saying 'none the wiser', I hope that's right when it comes to having OCD, I hope that I'm not too prudent in saying this, but after all those years, it's been a trip and a half.

I can relate to what you are saying, and you are a terrific chap, and I will reply back to you in the morning which I am so sorry for, because my medication makes me tired, and the reason is that I have to take a heavy dose of anti-epileptic but I log on at about 12.01 am, in which there is a habit in this, but please ask me anything you want, I will be so pleased to talk about it with you.

I talk to many people who have OCD and we talk for awhile as they have many questions or queries which I am so happy to discuss with them, but from what I have said strikes a chord with you, so ask anything you want. Geoff.

[littleme]

Hi this is my first time in one of these forums but i have tried to find a meet group close to me but cant so thought i would try this. I am 52 yrs old and i have suffered with anxiety and derpression for about 30yrs i have come along way but even though i understand what it all is it it  dosnt make it any easier when you get anxious or depressed.i hate setbacks they seem to effect me realy bad sometimes i can get out of a setback but othertimes they can linger on for days so then it is hard to feel semi normal again and so the circle starts again. i am working for the first time in 30yrs just partime but that can be anything from 4 to 8 days a fortnight and enjoy it as it is just across the road from where i live so i can walk there. most mornings whether i am working or not i wake up feeling anxious sometimes not to bad other times worse but i get up and soldier on. my biggest concern atm is that i rely to much on my partner and a close friend i talk to both of them on the phone everyday as it makes me feel better, i need to know where they are most of the time as i dont like being alone so talking on the phone is like a comfort thing i would like to try and break away from this and just rely on myself as i know this would give me more confidence so basicly what i am asking is if anyone out there feels like me where they dont like being alone for to long and how to get confidence in myself again and live a semi normal life . the days that i dont work i get very board so i try to keep busy otherwise i just get anxious and start to think of how i feel . i have a great support network in my family and friends but they dont really understand as they dont have anxiety or depression hope this all makes sense thanks