my panic attacks upset mum

[David35]

I'm 46, live on a DSP with my mum who had cancer the last few years. Shes ok now, apart from preventative chemo. In this time my panic attacks have increased, due to the stress and trauma of it all, as well as emotions from dads death due to cancer. The problem now is that mums okay, but despite me getting counselling, I'm still struggling.

Last month due to lack of sleep, I had a panic attack driving to chemo. It got so bad I had to turn around, go home and get a taxi instead. The last session was better, at least I slept well. The thing is, I'm trying hard to reduce stress, have a woodworking hobby, but the smallest things trigger me. The main one is anything medically related. I'm so sick of medical appointments, we had so many different doctors to see, that the mere mention of one makes me angry. Today i regrettably threw a loaf of bread on the ground out of frustration. It's like a form of ptsd associated with medical system. Has anyone else experienced this? How did they treat it? Then there's the insults. Today I got told that I hope I get better before she dies! As if I didn't have enough self worth issues from being on a DSP. The pressure to be better is itself anxiety inducing and when I do have them the guilt she induces by breaking down, slamming doors and telling me there's no hope for you makes things even worse.

Tomorrow she'll be sympathetic. But considering I've been with her every step (urologists, gynaecologists, oncologist, biopsies, cystoscopies, etc.) And went out of my way, is it too much to ask that I have time to heal? Every time I try to explain things, it spirals into a competition which she inevitably wins because she's the patient. But what about the carer?

[therising]

Hi David35

I feel so deeply for you David, I really do. The amount of stress you've faced and are still facing is just terrible. I wish there was something I could say that could offer you great relief. The best I can think to do is offer a perspective that my 20yo daughter brought to me last year.

Last year my daughter mentioned the idea of General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). When I looked it up I thought 'I can completely relate'. The 3rd stage, the exhaustion stage, pretty much summed up how I'd come to feel on a day to day basis - anxious, depressed, fatigued, triggered to stress by the tiniest things. As my husband works at being the sole income earner this year, I have taken the year off work to a) recover from last year's increasing number of stressors and b) manage this years stressors without having to find the time to go out to work as well. Late last year it got to the point where I just couldn't cope with everything. Anxiety had become a first time experience in my life at 52. 

The GAS factor helps with understanding what all our mental challenges are doing to our physical body as long as we're under stress. When there's little stress relief there are consequences that can feel brutal.

The triggers that can come about may not be all that obvious until they become obvious and quite surprising. Suddenly there can appear to be dozens of tiny little triggers.

• My phone ringing triggers my nervous system and the thought 'What's the problem now?'
• Waking up in the morning triggers the thought 'What will happen today that I need to be able to cope with?' (aka hyper vigilance)
• The words 'Can you do me a favour' trigger an instant stress response
• With me being the family's finance manager, my husband mentioning (to give me the heads up so I don't stress) 'This weeks pay isn't going to be a big one' triggers the problem solving calculator in my head when it comes to how I need to manage that

the list goes on with so many tiny little itty bitty triggers and they're just a handful of the ones I'm conscious of.

David, I think we need to also be conscious of what we don't hear. When what we don't hear is 'How can I be of service to you', that's a problem we definitely need to manage. I've found another problem involves when people ask 'How can I help?' but they're only prepared to help with the easy stuff, which means we're left doing the hard stuff again. I think the challenge is to become more demanding. Hard to do when we're someone who's so used to catering to the needs and demands of others. Becoming more demanding does not make us a bad person, it simply makes us a self loving person.

David, you have done an incredible job in helping save the life of another person, an amazing gift to give to someone. You should love yourself for that, all the work you've put into making that happen. While you don't have the credentials of a urologist, gynecologist, oncologist or some other specialist, you remain an integral member of a life saving team, while you've had to constantly adapt to remain a member of that team.

[David35]

Thanks. SO many things I can relate to. They hyper vigilance is there. Sudden sounds. But mainly the demands. It's like my plate is full, I cannot cope with more medical, sickness, death I see on the news. There are so many tragedies in the world on a daily basis and I've had to just ignore them. Mum thinks that means I don't care. But there's only so much I can do. It's the lack of control. So I filter out the things I can't control and focus on the things I can control (getting books for mum, shopping, pharmacy runs, pay bills, go with her to medical apts.)

On top of that there's the typical reaction of friends & family running for the hills in case we "infect" them with depression or worry. It's a real eye opener into just how selfish our society is. Very few people just care. My sister in law said "What can we do?". Given that she hadn't contacted mum in over a year I felt like saying "Pick up the bloody phone! It's not hard" But I've had to learn to accept people, as hard as it is.

About the only thing that gives me joy is making wooden kids stools out of recycled timber and donating them to op-shops. Your daughter sounds very insightful. Moreso than most therapists I've seen.

[therising]

Hi David

I've found waking up to how deeply I can feel what's stressful, depressing, enraging etc has meant having to manage that in a lot of strategic ways. One of the ways involves exactly what you mention - not tuning into the news. If we can't see it or hear it, we can't feel it. Yes, a lot of people tend to question our lack of interest in the news and not in very nice ways at times. Whether that's in the form of 'Why do you choose to be ignorant?' or 'Don't you realise you need to know what's going on in the world?' or 'Why don't you care?', there are a lot of ways such a choice can be questioned. I think finding valid answers to those questions can lead us to feel better about such a choice. 'I choose to ignore that which is designed to trigger me to fear and sadness', 'I choose to only know of what concerns me in constructive ways' and 'I care to hear and see the kinds of things I can do something about, not the things that leave me feeling helpless and hopeless'. I have people who will filter the new for me.

I really find people questionable at times, they way they can leave us to manage periods in depression or anxiety alone. At times, it can be something along the lines of 'How are you going?'. Our response may be 'I'm not doing so well today. I can feel myself becoming depressed'. When their response is 'Oh, that's terrible. It really upsets me to hear that. I really care about how you feel' and then they change the subject to something that leads them to feel happier (based on our upset upsetting them), it's like 'What the heck?'. When we're the kind of person who hears about someone's upset and reaches out to them with a 'Do you know why you feel the way you do?' or a 'Let's get to the bottom of this, together', anything less than that has gotta be questioned because that's what people deserve in my opinion (if we're in the right frame of mind to help them at the time). No one should be left to feel depressed or anxious on their own.

In my mind, anyone who can work so well in crafting wood has a true gift. It's a beautiful gift, one of creativity and imagination. To give to others that which comes from nature, creativity, imagination and love is a soulful thing. You have such a beautiful soulful gift. You've just inspired me to consider a craft I can share. Thank you.

Both my kids are intuitive with sage like abilities at times. They're brilliant guides in my life on occasion. Was saying to my 17yo son just the other week 'I have no idea why I feel so horrible these days. I need to know'. Off he went into his day dreamy state, to pull the solution from out of the blue. He came back down to earth with one word, 'Hangover'. While I'm not a drinker, it still made sense. How poorly I treated myself the day before or in the days before, will have a hangover effect. A lack of hydration, poor choices in food, a lack of exercise and/or adventure and inspiration etc - a lack of all the good stuff and too much of the bad stuff has a hangover effect we can really feel as we get older.

[geoff]

Hello David, it isdifficult when other people don't know how work you have put into helping your mum.

I am a leukemia patient and my son is my carer, while the other one lives a few hours away, but we talk regularly, however I care more for them than I do for myself, because what they do which helps me so much in many different ways.

The situation must go both ways and it's only up to you to feel better when you are able to and not told by someone that 'I hope you get better before she passes', that's unrealisitic and it's not approaching the situation with maturity.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[indigo22]

Hi David35,

I am in my 60s now and live on DSP because of the trauma I went through with both parents and a brother dying of cancer so I totally get it. I also did all the doctor and hospital appointments with both parents and took my brother to his first chemo visits until his children where able to help. I spent 10 years of my life on call, I never turned my phone off and had it beside my bed when I went to sleep. My mother was the most unreasonable one and we got into escalated discussions on many occasions also. My biggest mental note to myself was not to have any regrets and I put aside all that had happened with each of them and gave them the love and care that they needed despite the fact that they had not done the same for me in the past. It all took its toll and now I become overwhelmed if there are more than a couple of things that need my attention. I felt completely broken when they were all gone and the stress that I had been under was the reason I ended up with cancer myself. I am cancer free now but I definitely had to rethink things in order to take better care of myself. Are you getting any respite at all from the situation you are in? Do you have other siblings? If your mum is better at the moment, could you arrange for someone else to stay with her for a weekend and give yourself some time out. Or alternatively, arrange respite for you and your mum on a regular basis. You sound like you are getting close to a breaking point and right now you need to look after yourself every bit as much as you have looked after your mother. I am following this post and I am more than happy to talk this through with you further if you need to.

Sending you some extra strength to keep you going,

indigo22

[David35]

Yeah sometimes mum forgets how much of a toll her cancer treatment, diagnosis and general lack of support from my brother has take on me. The problem is that we're both in the same boat each blaming the other for the situation we're in. Her confronting me with not being better quicker enough makes me angry, because I'm coping the best way I know how. Especially considering my dad passed away 7 years ago to cancer. I didn't really look forward to mum passing too. Thankfully, they got it early, but the trauma has stuck with me and is something I'm still dealing with. Unfortunately, my "lack of progress" seems to upset mum now. Comments like "It's almost every day now you have panic attacks" I've written letters, poetry even to help explain the helplessness I still feel at times. But it all comes back to how my situation upsets her. Maybe it's because she's such a deep caring person. But who cares for the carer?

[David35]

The most stressful things in life are often those things out of your control. Because you want to change them but can't. You're made to feel helplesss.

They have this serentiy prayer in AA.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

Most of the things on the news don't affect me (crime, corruption, accidents, even legislation, business cycles). About 1% might. And I also find a lot of media very alarmist, fear driven to get us to pay attention. I recently had an argument with my mum because I wasn't as sad as I should be about a train accident in India. Don't get me wrong, it's tragic. But I've had to learn to filter out the tragedies of this world because my family has had so many health problems (Both my parents had bowel cancer about 20 years ago, dad died from it 7 years ago, mum had it several years ago, both grandmothers died from it, etc.)

A lot of society treat it as a contagious disease, that's why they emotionally distance themselves from you. Despite telling a cousin of mine the other day that I had accumulated trauma as a result of mum's cancer, going back to dad's, her reply was to just write down some things to be grateful for. Really? Why hadn't I thought of that. Something so simple can solve such a complex thing as trauma and all its hidden triggers. Just astounding the level of ignorance there is in society, often from well-meaning people. The trauma has nothing to do with me being ungrateful. It was to do with the fear of losing my last parent.

Working with timber can be relaxing or frustrating, depending on how far you stretch yourself.

I also agree with you about soul food. If we don't fill our hearts and souls with the good stuff, it will get filled with the negative stuff (the media, doubts, worry, financial crises, etc.). That's why I often donate some of my things to local op-shops. I think well there's no point feeling sad about the cost of living crisis. Why not try and do something about it by gifting people something (I know it's a drop in the ocean), to try and make a difference. It channels that concern into something useful.

[David35]

I have a brother who has a busy life (wife and 3 kids) but he turned his back on us when mum got cancer. He's completely useless with regards to emotional support. Same goes for his wife. She used to have a good relationship with mum which came to an abrupt end once mum got cancer. She's in the clear now but the relationships have been permanently scarred. They do the bare minimum to ensure they're not cut out the will and we try and do the right thing so we can still see the kids.

As for mum, every night is an argument. In the past I maybe could have listened to her more, but lately, it gets very challenging with her ranting and raving about every single issue on the news. My mum is very socially isolated. She has books, a few relatives she talks to on the phone, and her books. I can't disagree with her, because she takes it personally. Everything is a crisis. She blames me for all it all, the breakdown in our relationship but won't get any help for her own depressions/anxiety. I'm seeing therapist every few weeks to keep my head above water. At the mere mention to her and she verbally ripped my head off. She's been very hurt by the abandonment of good friends and her eldest son. Unfortunately she takes it out on me. She has some good days. But I feel more like a social care worker rather than a son and it's sad. I've reached breaking point twice in the past. She talks about doing herself in occasionally, which is stressful in itself. But won't seek help. I'm looking into joining a local carer's group to see if that helps me.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

I’m so sorry for everything you’re having to deal with. I cared for my Mum also and lived with her over the last 11 months of her life. The dynamics you describe are quite similar to what I experienced. My Mum would attack me also. She was actually most upset with my brother, who did nothing to provide support, but Mum took her deep hurt and frustration out on me. She wouldn’t ever put that stuff on my brother. I know how much that hurts when you are the one providing care.

 I know you asked above about who cares for the carer? What I learned is that basically there may be no one to care for you, so you have to become your own carer. So I think it’s great you are looking into a carer’s group. Anything to get you into a different interpersonal dynamic for a while away from your Mum.

 I think too once you keep initiating self-care for yourself it can shift things potentially with your Mum. It kind of sets an example and may encourage her to think a bit more responsibly about managing herself a bit better. It can be easy to get into an enmeshment with a parent where they think their happiness depends on you, and you are trying to make them happy, but it just ends up a co-dependent mess. So the best thing can be to psychically separate and start living more components of your life just for yourself, not to make your Mum happy or tick any boxes/expectations she might have.

My Mum also would not get help for her anxiety and depression. She was too scared of having her feelings and emotions probed into. I think it’s important to realise you can’t rescue your Mum. The greatest gift you can really give is living your own life, for yourself. I’m now experiencing major health difficulties after a lifetime now of busting a gut to look after my mother and others. I’m learning that prioritising yourself is not a luxury and is not selfish. It is absolutely essential for life itself.

So see if you can let go of obligations and expectations she tries to put onto you. You may well find your relationship with her improves somewhat if you assert your needs more and live more for yourself. You can still care for your Mum, but it’s finding a healthy boundary which can be challenging if living under the same roof.

Take care and reach for the things in life that bring you happiness and see if you can connect with some others too, which can help break up some of the dysfunctional energy you’ve been getting in your relationship with your Mum. Sending you peace and best wishes.