my panic attacks upset mum

[David35]

I'm 46, live on a DSP with my mum who had cancer the last few years. Shes ok now, apart from preventative chemo. In this time my panic attacks have increased, due to the stress and trauma of it all, as well as emotions from dads death due to cancer. The problem now is that mums okay, but despite me getting counselling, I'm still struggling.

Last month due to lack of sleep, I had a panic attack driving to chemo. It got so bad I had to turn around, go home and get a taxi instead. The last session was better, at least I slept well. The thing is, I'm trying hard to reduce stress, have a woodworking hobby, but the smallest things trigger me. The main one is anything medically related. I'm so sick of medical appointments, we had so many different doctors to see, that the mere mention of one makes me angry. Today i regrettably threw a loaf of bread on the ground out of frustration. It's like a form of ptsd associated with medical system. Has anyone else experienced this? How did they treat it? Then there's the insults. Today I got told that I hope I get better before she dies! As if I didn't have enough self worth issues from being on a DSP. The pressure to be better is itself anxiety inducing and when I do have them the guilt she induces by breaking down, slamming doors and telling me there's no hope for you makes things even worse.

Tomorrow she'll be sympathetic. But considering I've been with her every step (urologists, gynaecologists, oncologist, biopsies, cystoscopies, etc.) And went out of my way, is it too much to ask that I have time to heal? Every time I try to explain things, it spirals into a competition which she inevitably wins because she's the patient. But what about the carer?

[David35]

Thanks. Same as my situation almost word for word. All her happiness is dependent on me. And now she's even taken to undermining my own mental health care rehab (seeing pscyh). "They're not doing any good". "You need to see a psychiatrist". If I set boundaries, she starts mocking me. Its relentless.

[David35]

I spoke to my brother tonight to get some perspective. So I'll have to amend that. He was very supportive tonight. Sometimes it's hard to see things from an accurate perspective when you're stuck in the situation. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David,

Yes, it’s rarely in black and white. My brother was no help with Mum and at times has been hurtful in his behaviour, but other times has tried to be supportive in his own way. Relationships with family can be complex and, yes, when stuck in a situation it can be hard to get perspective.

Your Mum’s response about therapy sounds familiar. The first time I went to a therapist and eventually disclosed it to my mother, her response in an abrupt, annoyed voice was, “I’ve been trying to help you all your life.” She had been emotionally absent my whole life and cast me as her parent/confidant/support person from when I was 5 years old. So she was deflecting from her own fears, inability to cope etc.

It feels like you could do with a break, so getting out and meeting others such as through a carer’s group or other interests could be really good. Have you even thought of maybe taking a few days holiday, if your Mum doesn’t have imminent care needs (and even if she does find some care help for that time)? Even a few days away can be a great circuit breaker, put things in perspective, and enable you to approach things freshly upon return.

If your Mum is mocking you when you try to set boundaries, you might have to develop a calm but firm response where you are assertive in letting her know that’s not ok or just walk away. That may still make her crazy, but sometimes you have to leave them in that state and separate off into your own safe space.

 I knew my Mum’s behaviour stemmed from severe childhood trauma, so I think that’s why I was as tolerant as I was. Perhaps it’s a similar situation for you? I did one day manage to point out to her, in a nice way, she was projecting her past trauma into her present interactions. This led to her screaming at me… but, a few days later she rang and said she knew she sometimes said things that weren’t helpful and somewhat owned her behaviour. That was a first. So directly addressing what’s going on can sometimes help (even though the other person might explode initially which can be distressing).

 I found retaining compassion for her made a difference and it’s why I have some good memories now. It’s the good memories that sustain me now, such as taking her to see a movie we both enjoyed and connected with. But there are many instances where I needed to have put a strong boundary with her going back a long way. If you’ve been walking on eggshells with your Mum since childhood it can be an ingrained pattern where you continue to fear her reactivity in the present. I don’t know if that’s the pattern for you, but in any case it could be really good to work on boundaries in therapy so it might be a bit easier to set them with your Mum. Also, just forming contacts with other people often helps you get stronger in yourself so you can manage challenging family members more easily.

 I’m glad you had the positive chat with your brother. It makes you feel better doesn’t it, when you can talk to someone.

[indigo22]

Hi again David,

It seems that you Eagle Ray and I have had almost the identical experiences with our mothers, only difference is you are still in the thick of it. I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since my early teens but it was never acknowledged by my mother who also refused to get help for her own depression and was totally dependent on me to make her happy, but that was impossible with her. I felt like she would hold up a score card each day. One day it was "you are such a good daughter" the next day it was "why can't you be more patient". It was endless judgements on my actions. I lived with her for 8 years and I did have to set boundaries along the way and then I stuck to them. One thing you haven't mentioned is wether your mum has any dementia, this can be very challenging because in the early stages they are angry and frustrated. I had my mum accusing me of lying to her about some paperwork that needed to be done, I told her it was all under control but she said "I don't believe you". Sometimes there just is no winning in this situation, I had to pull away quite a bit to keep my sanity. I had my own space and my own TV. I have not watched the news or bought a newspaper ever in my adult life except when I had to listen to it because I was with someone else. I made that decision at a very young age when I watched my father get himself all riled up and angry about what was on the news. I remember thinking "why would you intentionally do that to yourself, why not watch something that makes you laugh".

One day I had a total emotional breakdown and I was inconsolable, she just watched and had no idea what to do. I had rung my counsellor and she arranged for a friend to come round to be with me. When he arrived I cried hysterically, and again she watched. After I had calmed down, I rang my new doctor and he arranged a prescription for a different type of anti-depressant than I had had previously been and sent to the local chemist. I walked to the front door with my friend to go to the chemist, my eyes puffed up so much I could barely see out of them and said to mum "I am just going out for a short while" and her response was "if you are going anywhere near a post office, can you get me some stamps?" Clearly, what I had just been through had left no impression whatsoever and it was still all about her.

Eagle Ray is right, sometimes you just have to walk away and let them rant to themselves if they refuse to listen. And you also need to make it clear to her how much damage she is doing to your relationship with her ridiculing you and your health condition, it would be like you ridiculing her for having cancer.

The other thing to keep in mind is that unfortunately they will take it out on the one that they know is safe to take it out on, knowing you will not abandon them (even though I wanted to several times, I didn't).

You said your mum likes books. As a suggestion, could you check to see if there are any book clubs in the area that meet regularly, or even online if she has any computer skills. The other suggestion is that the local council should have an activity group for seniors, they usually meet once a week (maybe at the library or similar) and have activities such as crafts (knitting, crochet, etc.) or other activities depending on the interests of those who attend. This is definitely worth looking into, at least I got my mum to go to that and sometimes they even have a pick up and drop off service.

Then, as Eagle Ray said, it's time to look into things that will make life better for you and give you two some space regularly. It is so important that you take care of you right now.

Hang in there,

indigo22

[David35]

I think a lot of mum's insecurities come from her childhood. Her and her mum left her dad at a young age and consequently she had a mental breakdown, which to this day I don't she's ever got over. My grandfather was affected by WW2 up in Darwin and never came back the same. She tends to bring it up when she's been drinking. So in a way I think she's scared of losing me. I've tried mentioning counselling but she's old school where she tends to lean on everyone around her, rather than deal with her own emotional past traumas with a therapist. I spoke to her today and told her that there are certain things which are upsetting me lately and that I need some mental space. I don't think she understood but seemed to respect it.

I've got in contact with a carer support group. I got all the info today and am waiting on hearing how to join one of the support groups. The demands can get a bit much. She tends to obsess a lot about appointments, medical stuff, as everything is life or death. But it ain't.

[David35]

Everything you say rings true. My mum yells and screams at the TV, particularly politics. I've said the same thing. If you don't want to watch it, switch it off. But it's like her relationship with alcohol. She says she enjoys a drink, even though she can get a bit nasty with it sometimes. I also experience the same ups and downs. One minute I'm perfect, next minute, I'm not recovering from past trauma quick enough. It gets tiring not knowing which way the wind will blow form one day to the next. I've tried mentioning groups but she's not interested.

[David35]

By the way, I get the same response from mum after counselling. She asks what we talked about. And then it's "Well I could have told you that. You didn't need to pay for that advice. ".

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David and indigo22,

It sounds like we all have/had some similarities with our mothers. David, I’m glad you’ve got the info on the support group. The turning of things into life or death I remember well. It’s a kind of hypervigilance that is activated even by smallest, everyday things. I found the best thing I could do was remain calm by example, but I know it’s hard when you have a panicking parent.

Indigo, your description of your mother not being able to be there for you emotionally when you most needed her rang so true for me. I felt the pain you described. I spent countless hours caring for Mum through so much, including during and after hospital stays, listening to her worries, calming her distress etc. But she could not be there for me at all through my struggles. I remember being in hospital for investigative surgeries. She could not be there for me before, during or after. If I dared express vulnerability in the hope of some care or understanding I’d be attacked. I learned to cope alone with everything.

 I feel for you David still living with challenges with your Mum now. I think not taking it personally is important, as it sounds like she is reacting out of her own pain which is not about you. But as you are proximate to her and have been tolerant, you easily become the sponge taking her emotional drama and projections. It’s so important to create a different reality for yourself so you are not a sponge, because I speak from experience that it really damages your health and wellbeing over time.

 I say go out and live your life as much as you can for you. I think often that’s what a dysfunctional parent actually wants you to do, but the dark side of them linked to their traumatised past leads them to try and sabotage that at the same time. I think that’s often not even conscious on their part because it is part of themselves that is split off and acting outside awareness. But ultimately I’m sure the core nature of your Mum actually wants you to be happy. Mine once said, “Do as I say, don’t do as I do”. It was like an acknowledgement she could not set an example for me of how to live a peaceful, happy life, but wanted that for me anyway. Mine would drink too, to drown the emotions in herself she couldn’t tolerate.

The more you take responsibility for your own life and set yourself free from unhealthy entanglements with your Mum the easier it will get. And I think it’s something you can do calmly and wisely without drama. Even if she gets dramatic, the more you are just following your own life and creating your own reality, the more likely your Mum will start shifting somewhat in herself. It’s like handing back the responsibility to her which is hers, while you get to live your own life.

Take good care.

[David35]

You all obviously speak from experience. She's been encouraging me to pursue my woodworking. She wants me to be happy. I sat down today and said about the things she said which hurts me (the attack on my mental health treatment, lack of progress, etc) and she apologised. Both eagle ray and indigo have had your fair share of turmoil and unhealthy relationships. I think mum is still learning how to be a widow, without lashing out. And I'm still learning how to cope without a dad. The thing is after all the fallout, if she talks and I listen, instead of overreact, I can help her get rid of some of her pain. It's not easy but with some valuable insight from you both its helped give me some perspective.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

Yes, I imagine you and your Mum are still going through a fair bit of grief which would make you both vulnerable.

It’s so lovely of you to want to be there for your Mum. And it’s lovely she’s encouraging you with your woodworking. I think the ideal is an adult to adult relationship where neither is trying to parent the other. Even though things deteriorated in my Mum’s final year for a variety of reasons, in the several years prior I remember the lovely conversations I had with her. I’d often call her when out on a walk and tell her what I was seeing, and we’d talk about life, the universe and everything. It was two adults connecting then. So I think it is possible. But when there are stressors like you’ve had with illness in the family, the fracture lines can start to show. But it can heal over. So I hope you can go forward and create some beautiful memories with your Mum. When there is good intent on both sides you have something lovely to work with.