My girlfriend left because i'm struggling to cope with my depression and social anxiety

[adrian_mm]

Hi everyone,

I'm 31 and having a very hard time coping at the moment so i thought i'd ask for advice here. My girlfriend of more than 4 years broke up with me yesterday and i know it's essentially because of my increasing depression, anxiety and social anxiety that seems to be getting worse, despite my efforts. I can't stop crying and i'm heartbroken and feel like it's my fault, she wants to move overseas and travel around the world and wanted me to go along, but the thought of being in that situation with no stability of family, friends, or work terrified me and though i desperately wanted to be the kind of person who could just 'do it' i know i would not be good in those situations and couldn't take the leap. She saw this as me not thinking she was worth it, even though that couldn't be more untrue. So i feel like i've driven a wonderful person that i love away because of my weakness and this in turn has made me feel even more depressed and alone than ever before.

I've tried to explain that i can't do certain things because of my issues, but it's been interpreted as a lack of commitment to the relationship, which isn't true in the slightest. On top of the depression, I have a lot of trouble in group social situations and i get very stressed out at family gatherings and parties and people think i'm anti-social, but i'm just very anxious and feel the need to escape those situations. All this adds up to not being able to function as a normal person would in social situations that are important to a relationship. Then if i'm having a particularly bad day with my depression, i can't handle anything at all and avoid seeing people to not let them know what state i'm in.

I'm lost for any way to get around this web of symptoms that seem to exist to attack everything that would make people want to be around me, or for me to have a better life. I've tried therapy twice, but found their approaches simple at best, for what feels like something that is immensely complex and being given the 'depression kit' of documents from a therapist seems like fighting the tide with a broom. I can't sleep, or find motivation, or connect with anyone i don't already know and i'm just foreseeing a future of never getting close to anyone, or worse, getting close and having them leaving me as soon as i have a bad day, week or month of depression, or can't fulfil social obligations. I feel like i've unintentionally sabotaged the best thing in my life and am immensely sad and lost.

[demonblaster]

Hi Adrian and Jack 🙂

Adrian I hope you see this cause of the long delay in response, just want you to know I didn't desert you 🙂 Feel bad about not seeing reply, think I didn't check buried threads. Soz budz

Jack, what an ordeal, a lot of people for understandable reasons don't talk about their illnesses or issues and I really do get that, cause a lot of people don't seem to give a hoot or don't know how to fix so kinda brush it off, or are just pfffftttt (behaving myself with expletives lol) people and seriously if they don't care they're not the bods we wanna be around anyway aye.
I think it's important personally to talk even if only to a few or couple of selected people for education, so many suffer alone in pain which isn't how it should be, support and understanding are mammoth to get through issues. I believe the more understanding for peoples situations could lead to more tolerance in society and god forbid we may actually start to get on better as a race. Most good people wanna help, I think one of the reasons they don't respond well often is cause they don't know how to and don't wanna make it worse by saying wrong stuff. Good people if someone's down wanna lift them back up.

I talk openly often (probs drive people nuts) about BP (Bipolar) but do mix it up and talk about other stuff too. Too much stigma and still is about MI esp from the dark days where thank god it's a little better how people are treated although still often abhorrently. We can change this stigma by education, even if it means just a selected few. Word gets around and if they can see we're not going to hurt them all the better for more understanding.

Take care guys

[adrian_mm]

Hi Guys,

Sorry for the late reply, i had trouble logging into my account to post for the past week or so. Thanks for the reply DB, i've had less of the anxiety issues in the last few weeks, likely due to the pressure being taken off to move overseas, but i still struggle with the social anxiety daily. I doubt it will ever leave me entirely since it's ingrained in my personality at this stage, same as the depression is. I've been going to therapy once a week and am on my 5th session, we pretty much just talk about feelings and analyse my dreams which is interesting and i do feel good for having done it each week, but don't know how much real improvement it actually affords me.

Jack, that's also my experience to a degree with friendships and relationships, that once you tell someone you have issues, things are never quite the same and they often think less of and distance themselves from you. That inevitable conversation has become the testing ground for potential friends and partners as to whether they can accept me for who i am and take the good with the bad and they often fail the test. The handful of people who do understand and pass the test will often become very good friends and the feeling that you've been accepted warts and all is a good one, though it is very rare. It's hard but you need to get that information out there early in a relationship so that if it's going to fail, it fails early and you can move on to try again with minimal hurt feelings. I've realised most people cannot fathom what it's like to be another person and think you should function as they do, as if there's a mould all people need to adhere to being different means you're doing something wrong, which is saddening at times when all we really need is some understanding and acceptance.

There was no real plan for the overseas move and that did stress me out immensely, it was a 'let's go over there and figure it out' sort of plan, which i just can't get my head around. I need to know where i'll be living and working and that i'll not be isolated in a foreign country and i didn't know any of those things. I was struggling with depression and the last thing i needed was a life change that meant i'd lose close contact with my already small circle of friends and family and i don't think she placed much importance on that. Nonetheless, i wanted to try to keep the relationship going and it put a lot of pressure on me to 'get it together' which ultimately lead to things getting worse.

[demonblaster]

yw Adrian good to see you, looks like you got logging on probs sorted. Charmer of a time to bomb out just when you'd started here aye

Think you hit a few nails on the head here as much as I'm for talking openly about BP (bipolar) and haven't had adverse reactions yet and know I drive people nuts fully understand how yous feel when people are donks about it but that's right in a hard to take though way at least it's a sifter for who's worth friendship and will as you say take you for who you are. Lol warts and all 🙂

The trouble with this sort and physical pain for that matter is it rules our lives, consumes us so we need understanding and support in friendships. Most of us because we understand can give back as well. Everyone needs understanding I think & esp with MI, more to deal with on top of lifes lovelies at times

Reckon you made the right but yeah hard choice not to go o/s it sounds like it would've enhanced and taken you several steps back.

Dunno Budz about this all being with you for life, Don't get me wrong I know what you're saying cause it's had a grip for soo long but maybe with the right help you can get on top of it in time & there have been times it's eased so there's hope.Do feel for you, it'd be a nightmare.

Is there maybe a couple of people that you feel you could talk about this to or even write it for a bit of understanding, worries me that you hold it in so much poor thing.
Lack of sleep has it's own set of stress and makes everything so much harder to cope with, we're at our weakest & strongest with enough.

Interesting approach looking into dreams
I read once yrs ago made lot of sense that dreams the whacky what the types that we remember are the equilibrium for our brains cause in our conscious times we're normal through lack of right word .It's the Ying and Yang I guess

Thanks for updating, good to know how you're getting on

Hope you get somewhere with this psych bud let us know

[Colonel_Leslie_Hapablap]

Hi Adrian, I'm so sorry to hear about what you've being going through.

Just as a show of solidarity, and so you don't feel alone, my partner of 10 years left me last year because they said that they didn't want to deal with my depression any longer. They then begun dating someone else immediately after, which their whole family and friendship group seem to love and prefer to me (they never accepted me).

I am still extremely messed up because of it. I can totally empathize with your situation, and I'm extremely sorry. It's the worst. I sincerely hope you are doing better and better as the days go on.

[demonblaster]

Hi Adrian & all 🙂

Colonel welcome, raw deal budz, so hard to deal with depression isn't it. That on top daghhh.

This is a great place for release and support as you'd be seeing, hope you feel comfortable to talk if you want to start a thread or what you did's very useful for learning how others deal with stuff too, can't tell you how much I've learnt being here and by thinking stuff through how to handle the beast.

good on you supporting Adrian

Tc peeps