My First Post

[bonnylass]

As I lie here in my bed after another sleepless night playing stupid games on my I pad, tomorrow it will not come to bed with me😢 That is an easy problem to solve, but getting up and facing the world is another, I think I may be a functioning depressed person I work full time and hold down a stressful job, I get up and go everyday, I talk and laugh with my work mates inside I am dying more every day. I have let my children destroy me financially and mentally and do not know to stop it. i am 62 and live alone which I do not mind,but I feel so hopeless pathetic and useless, thank you for reading x

[Zeal]

Hi bonny lass,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling unhappy and are struggling to sleep. Have you been seeing your doctor or another professional about these symptoms? If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with Depression by a doctor before? Working full-time at 62 is pretty great, by the way. Keeping mentally active and involved in society in such a direct way is something not all people your age do. I still think my Grandpa retired too early. He's 82 now. It sounds like your adult children have disrespected you and taken advantage of your good nature.

It's good that living alone isn't an issue for you. It's a highly individual thing, and it sounds as though independence is something that comes naturally to you. Do you have neighbours you talk to and know well? Make sure you keep in contact with friends, as social support is crucial for everyone.

Definitely see your doctor. A referral to a counsellor or psychologist (which can be affordable with a mental health care plan created by a GP) is an option.

All the best,

SM

[QldMouse]

Welcome bonnylass,

Those toys are great at numbing the mind and sense, and burning time are they not. I can relate to your post so well, I'm almost 60 and I work full time in a stressful job. Is yours a bit thankless as well? goes with the territory doesn't it. But well done working full time, that is great.

I know what you mean about laughing and joking on the outside with work mates, and dying on the inside. Do you feel like your an outsider in the workplace?, I do but it is getting better. I wonder how many of them have their own similar stories that you can't see. I keep finding that.

As SM said, getting a mental health plan from your GP is a great place to start. That is where I started and have been getting help for a while now. By the way they are free and part of all that dam money we have been paying into Medicare all these years, so go get some of your money back!!

From therapy I know I have a lot of strengths that nobody can take from me, and I'll bet you do have some fantastic strengths and experience yourself.

I'm so sad to read how you are feeling, but you are not alone. There are a lot of similar stories here so you are in the right place.

Welcome, and I look forward to following your journey.

[Doolhof]

Hi Bonnylass,

Welcome to the Community here at Beyond Blue.

You have already received a couple of great responses already. I will concentrate on the bit of your thread where you mentioned you have let your children destroy you mentally and financially.

I'm wondering how your sense of self esteem and assertiveness are? If you are lacking in these departments, then join the club!

For many years I was too concerned how others would feel if I said no to them in any way.

For many years my sister would have me buy joint presents for our parents with me purchasing them and she never contributed to the cost.

We would go out for a drive, she would suddenly need fuel and not have nay money, or would be hungry and not have any cash.

I also looked after her children after school. I had to stop though as it came to a stage where I was expected to buy food and cook for her children as she worked late and there was no food in the house.

After a while I learnt to say NO. We are still "friends" and I have a lovely relationship with her children.

Your children may not understand at first if they say no to them, but in time you will gain self respect.

When I feel I have very little control over a situation, it eats away at me. It has taken me a long time to understand just how much I can hurt myself when I feel this way.

Maybe a chat with a counsellor would help you. Read up on self esteem, will power and assertiveness.

I may be barking up the wrong tree, just give my thoughts some consideration.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[bonnylass]

Thank you SM and QldMouse, I am on anti- depressants and a mental health Plan and really like the lady I see, when I leave her I am positive and hopeful for a while and then something will always drag me down, I feel as if I am in a glass bowl and everynow and again I feel good and then something happens and something pulls me under again and laughs saying come one Pam why should you be happy you know its not allowed

I have a good day fighting my demons ... cooked some meals for the week and shared with my elderly neighbour done my dusting which I hate doing but I have a fascination with elephants so lots to dust, have just ironed all my uniforms for work, last night I had issues with my son and I have told him it is time for me to put myself first I was really upset and he said I was making him suicidal by being so upset with him, it was one of the first times I had let him know how his actions have really effected me, I have lived with the guilt all day, wanting to pick up the phone and see ho he went but I cant cos I do not want to hear whats on the other end, but my heart is aching I wanted so much more for my children, but they have made so many bad decisions ....I do not think any of them are happy, anyway I have prattled on enough thank you once again for your support and it feels good to know I am not alone xxx

[Doolhof]

HI Pam,

You mentioned your name in your last post. Would you prefer I call you Bonnylass?

I'm sorry to read you have had words with your son and that he mentioned you make him feel suicidal. That is a really tough thing to put on someone's shoulders.

My first husband kept telling me that if I left him, he would kill himself. As he was using me as a punching bag, I left him. I accidently ran into him a few years later and he was still very much alive and looked okay to me.

Do you have someone else who could phone your son and check on him?

My parents were very disappointed for years with the mistakes I made in life. They were good parents, I just went off the rails. There was very little they could do about it. Mum said she had always hoped I would go to Uni but I ran away from home at aged 17 instead. I never knew about the Uni idea until many years later.

It is wonderful you have been able to manage to do so many beneficial things. For me, just being able to achieve one positive thing each day is a great success at times.

Sometimes it is very hard to know what is the right thing to do. I find that waiting a while and considering different options is helpful.