getting better, staying positive... then- relapse

[poida1]

Hi my name's Pete,

I work as a seasonal adventure guide. My job lets me see the world and meet the amazing people that make it spin. It requires me to be outgoing, friendly, switched on and most importantly of all, happy! let me explain to you my situation.

I've suffered from depression and anxiety for about 3 years now, it's been like roller coaster. One week I think I'm good, then the next I'm not. my way of dealing with it has been either to to block my negative thoughts out by taking my mind off of them (gym, hiking, general adventures), to move to the next place and job or, the worst of the options, resort to drugs and alcohol. These ways of dealing with my condition worked only temporarily and my depression and anxieties have since spiraled out of control and mutated into some kind of snarling beast.

I have made the decision to take a full season off from work and return home to my parents place in Adelaide so I can face these problems head on instead of running away from them or ignoring them. It was not an easy decision to make as I have not lived at home or in Australia in 6 years, I had the opportunity to work as a guide in the tropics and continue my lifestyle. As much as I have been dreading settling back into 'normal life', I feel as if it was the right decision. No matter how good your current situation is, how happy people must think you are because of it; if you are depressed and anxious all the time, life just plain sucks. All you end up doing is perpetuating the cycle until it forms a life of its own, which is what ive done. I cannot believe i let it get so bad before I threw the towel in, it just goes to show how stubborn i am.

Anyway, Since moving home a few weeks ago, I have thrown myself into the healthy lifestyle I had promised myself. I am at the gym everyday, eating and sleeping well, reading a lot, haven't had a drink in a month, am meditating everyday and am about to see a therapist starting this week. I was feeling GREAT until the weekend came along. It felt like all of my hard work just came unraveled so easily, I woke up feeling utterly depressed and hopeless.. How can I go from feeling so strong to so weak in 2 days? How can i remain hopeful when I relapse so easily? When will I ever start to feel good again? I know i have the strength to pick the pieces up and start again but not the motivation. I have been so emotionally beaten up over the years I just dont know how Im going to get up and keep going.. I feel exhausted

[Lightbeam]

Hi Pete!

I just wanted to say "hi" and well done to you for recognising that you needed to stop running away & tackle the "snarling beast" head on. I think this is tremendously courageous of you.

Personally, I have never suffered from depression so I do find it difficult to relate to what it must be like for you. I think in life we all go through the natural waves of the tide pulling us in and out, learning how to surf these waves is what we need to do.

My only advice would be to not be so hard on yourself and recognise that there will be days when things aren't so great and be okay with that. You have taken a very big step in acknowledging that you need to take care of yourself and that is a very positive start. Well done! Here you will meet plenty of amazing people who can support you from many different perspectives. I wish you well in your journey towards recovery xx

[beingbyrne]

Hi Pete,

Being up and down can be very frustrating indeed, because you can never rely on yourself and it's so hard to stay hopeful. I know how it feels as I've been through a similar experience all in my life. Psychiatrists call this "Cyclothymia" or "Bipolar Disorder" in more severe cases. I'm not trying to give you a diagnosis, please don't get me wrong, it's just an educated guess based on my personal experience.

I'm glad that you made an appointment with a psych, because it could be and underlying psychological issue you are not aware of, something in the subconscious mind triggering these episodes.

You sound like a fighter and a strong person....you should be proud of that. Admitting that you have the strength, but not the motivation shows that you are honest with yourself and have a good insight, which means that you are not hopeless at all.

We are here for you and keep posting.....hugs