My depression is quite severe and I think it's affecting my relationship. Advice?

[Bloom39]

I've had severe depression since I was 13 and it went undiagnosed until I hit senior school. I hinted to my boyfriend about my mental illness when we got together, until I told him fully after some time that I have depressive episodes intermittently without consulting anyone for consolation. 

I've had another depressive episode and decided that I wanted to reach out to him about my intrusive thoughts and how I've been feeling. I told him that I've been frustrated with the way family members have been treating me and that I've contemplated taking my own life because I felt worthless in their eyes. I keep saying that no matter how loudly I cry, no one makes me feel heard. 

My parents are very traditional, to the point they are emotionally abusive and neglectful and have gaslit me multiple times when I was younger. 

To this, he tells me not to say that I want to take my own life. He then asks what my family members have done that caused me to be depressed. Then said that that if I died, they would still care about me even if they don't show it. 

I then disclosed that I completely skipped my meal because I've been crying for so long that I lost my appetite. And this isn't good because I have ed. 

He then asked whether I wanted food, and that he'll order me food. 

Although I appreciate the gesture of trying to make me feel better. I somehow feel even worse. I feel like I wasted my breathe. Even though he said that it is better that I let it all out, I wished I never let it out in the first place if my feelings were validated at all. I feel alone even when people are around me.

No matter how clearly I explain my feelings, how much emphasis I place on my thoughts and severity of the situation. I feel unheard in the relationship. It is bad enough that my own parents don't care.

Why must I stay in a relationship like this? I try to be understanding to people the same way I wish to be understood. But all I'm met with is obliviousness. 

I don't know if this is a relationship worth keeping. I already go to therapy, but I think I'm going to need therapy for more than just me to make this relationship last. 

I don't use my depression to attention seek. I rarely confide in my boyfriend. But I did this time because he's my partner. I just wished he had comforted me at least. 

Advice from another that knows better than me? 😭

[indigo22]

Hi Bloom39,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry you have been feeling so low and alone, depression can certainly make you feel that way.

I have dealt with depression since about the same age as you and was not diagnosed until later in life. My family was also quite dysfunctional so I understand that also.

I think it is important for you to understand that your partner can only be as supportive as his experience in life allows, without actually knowing or experiencing what you are going through, he can only say or do what he thinks might be helpful. His intentions seem to good but he is just not equipped to help to any large degree.

If you are unsure if this relationship is right for you, I think your therapist would a good person to discuss this with so you can make an informed decision about it.

There have been many times in my life when I have felt unseen and unheard along with being misunderstood, so I do understand your situation. I have been at the point of wanting to end it all on occasions as well, but in truth, I don't think any of us really want to take that path, it just seems at the time it is the only way out of the pain we are experiencing on a continual basis. It's not the only way out though. When you are in between sessions with your therapist, have you used the helplines that are available? They are a temporary fix but they can make a big difference when you are feeling at your lowest. They do hear you and usually offer some kind of helpful advice to help you get through those times.

I know depression can feel unrelenting but you are on the right track and to a large degree it takes a lot of patience to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope this has been of some help to you and please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so. Since you are a new member, please also let me know if you need any help navigating the forums. There are also helpline numbers I can give you along with some suggested reading if you wish.

Take care,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Bloom39

I feel so deeply for you, given how incredibly hard it can be to have people try and understand exactly how we're feeling at certain times. I'm glad you came here to express yourself amongst people who will be able to feel for you on different levels.

 As a 54yo gal, while shut downs, put downs and a lot of other downs used to depress me, I was led to realise 'feelers' will feel downs, as it's in their nature to feel from one extreme to the other (from ups all the way through to downs). For example, you mention '...he tells me not to say that I want to take my own life'. For someone who's deeply depressed, this can feel like a shut down. The conversation's being shut down, as opposed to someone encouraging an opening up of dialogue and self expression in regard to why and how this feeling has come about. It can be a terrible feeling that should be vented/expressed, not bottled up/suppressed. 

Personally, I've found there's a big difference between someone trying to lead me to feel better (as in 'happy'), when I'm depressed, and someone who's leading to get to the bottom of what it is I'm actually feeling. Once I get to the bottom of it, I naturally feel raised (through a greater sense of consciousness). Nothing like a good mind altering revelation to give us a newfound sense of self understanding and liberation. So, you could say 'I'm not aiming to feel better (as in 'happy'), I'm aiming to get a better feel'. You could even say 'I can feel my parents' level of emotional detachment because I have the ability to feel it. I can also feel my boyfriend trying but not hitting the mark, not raising me in any mind altering way'. Any other sensitive person would be able to say 'You're not alone, I can feel these things too'. Sometimes relief can come from not feeling/sensing alone. Btw, I must admit I can be a bit cheeky at times. If someone says to me something along the lines of 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', my response is typically 'Hell, yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense what a triggering comment that is?'.😁

[Bloom39]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you for replying, I value ur explanation when you said that my partner can only be as supportive as his experience in life allows him to do so. 

I think that it is unfair for him to be brought into a relationship where I have unresolved mental issues. However, I also stayed in this relationship because when I told him I wanted to break up, he cried and I felt guilty for being a bearer of bad news. In this aspect, I also feel that it is unfair for me to have compassionately stayed but not have my emotional needs met. 

I have talked to him many times about how I'd like my emotional needs met, such as asking if I'm okay, or validating my feelings like saying "It must be frustrating, it must feel horrible...etc" even if he doesn't fully understand it. It doesn't bring him any bad luck for saying it.

Anyhow, I have brought up couple counselling as I think it would be beneficial to have a mediator between us. He was open to couple counselling so I will be getting the appointments sorted. 

I feel bad for having resentment towards him, I really do. I think he doesn't deserve to have to deal with all his. But at the same time, I wish he could've let me go peacefully when I asked for it. I knew that he cried because he felt scared, I resonate with that, but a part of me also thinks that when the relationship is dissolved I will feel a speck of relief (I can't say for him) as well. 

Additionally, I have not used the helplines yet as I have been calling a close friend of mine who feels for me deeply. It has been working however I am open to using helplines if she isn't available. 

Thank you for perspective,

Bloom

[Bloom39]

Hi Therising,

Thank you for your response. 

I must say you've really hit the hammer on the nail when you said that for a severely depressed person, a specific comment can feel like a shut down.

It's always been hard to describe how I feel when I talk to people about my mental state, I've always described it has not being heard. But this. This is what it is, I feel like my explanations, and begging to be comforted even a little is shut down like, people won't even entertain the idea of asking what helps calm me down. 

I definitely agree with your explanation of feeling raised consciously when someone helps me get a better feel for myself. Funnily enough, I think this is why my therapist always manages to calm me down. She highlights certain facial expressions I make and reiterates what I say so that I analyse myself. Sure, it evokes long lost trauma as she asks me to explain previous episodes I've had. But at the same time, it makes me think that I shouldn't have swept my traumas under the rug because it's now coming back with vengeance. 

Also your comment about people saying that sensitive people need to toughen up gave me a good laugh. I love that we can embrace that fact we are sensitive. I actually think that sensitive people are tougher than most people, imagine going through the day feeling every emotion x 10 more than others. I went through uni feeling like I wanted to drag myself 6 ft under the soil every single day, and then crying myself to sleep almost every single day. But the fact that I can continue means that I can soldier through more than people who don't feel a dime. I do kind of love that about myself, it means that I'm resilient and strong but just need an extra hand from the people around me. 

Thank you for your response, it really was a mind altering one.

Bloom 

[therising]

Hi Bloom

It can be amusing at times, being sensitive around other sensitives. For example, someone could say something highly questionable. You look around to see who else is looking around, trying to gain a sense of anyone that felt that comment. All the sensitive people look at each other with a knowing look, knowing they all felt the same thing. There can be an unspoken kind of comradery amongst sensitive people. I think of both my kids who are sensitive and we kind of make some fun on occasions with what we feel. There's someone we know who's inclined to make a comment like 'I have no sympathy for homeless people'. While feeling that comment as triggering, I can look over to see my son try not to laugh at such an insane comment (as he finds certain insane comments amusing), while I can also see and feel the rage building up in my daughter. Then she'll say something along the lines of 'Of course, it's their own fault. They just need to buy a house and then they won't be homeless'. We've learned to make fun of insensitivity to some degree, otherwise you can just be left feeling angry, disappointed and more.

I agree with you regarding sensitive people being tougher in a lot of cases. You can feel like saying 'Do you have any idea how hard I've worked in trying to master how I feel? Do you have any idea what it's like to have to make sense of how you feel everything, so that you don't suffer through it? Do you have any idea how much research it takes to have to better understand yourself and every energy system in your body, so that you don't experience dis-ease to the point of physical disease? Do you know how your nervous system, your cardiovascular system, your muscular system works (that energy system which stores tension) and so on? Do you know what it's like to feel other people's sufferance, their sadness, their sense of grief or loneliness or other people's disapproval of you? What about being able to feel your own inner dialogue?'. So much to feel, for a sensitive person. So much to master. Often, insensitive people feel no great need to graduate through and beyond such challenges. Sensitive people are almost always trying to graduate to new levels of self understanding.

[indigo22]

Hi Bloom and therising,

I totally agree, sensitive people have to work so much harder to be able to live in this world and they are also the most misunderstood. There is a spectrum of sensitivity and I in my family I was on the ultra sensitive end, my eldest siblings were on the ultra insensitive end. Their way of dealing with me was to call me a cry baby. My sister is a narcissist and over the years said a lot of mean and hurtful things that it would not even occur to me to say, even at my most angry moments. Bloom, I think this may help you. I recently had a reading done. All of my family are gone except the above mentioned sister who I have nothing to do with. During the reading it came up that my parents didn't really know how to deal with me because I was so different to the rest of the family. I was outside of what they understood when it came to raising children. Could this possibly be a similar situation in your family? Something to consider.

Stay well both,

indigo

[quirkywords]

Bloom

your very thoughtful first post has started a discussion that may here can relate to.

Indigo and the rising have contributed interesting points to this thread. 

I like this sentence you wrote.
“I love that we can embrace that fact we are sensitive. I actually think that sensitive people are tougher than most people, imagine going through the day feeling every emotion x 10 more than others”.

I agree with you. I can tired if people saying I am too sensitive when I think many are insensitive. We are survivors and still care for others while we struggle .