Miscarriage/ BPD- depression coming back again..

[Ardenrose]

Hello.

It was almost 6 weeks when the doctor told me that my pregnancy was not progressing at all and that I had to go through a surgery called d&c. This all happened pretty much this week and I'll be very honest, i still am very very upset about it.

Before the surgery and was told that I had missed miscarriage, I knew slowly my depression has started to hit me right in the face again. I've been battling depression for 5 years and ONLY started really getting better this year after I left my 4 year abusive relationship. Imagine the trauma i was dealing for 4 years..

I was recovering just this year when I found out Im pregnant (from a different partner) and then found out there was no baby at all.. I guess what Im saying is, it is really hard. I have BPD which makes everything a lot harder already and then miscarriage happened. Doctors said it wasnt my fault and that nothing I could have done to prevent it but despite, I cant help not to blame myself and how unfair life is. It makes me back track to what happened to my past with my ex before and not really getting the justice I know I deserve to now taking away the blessing I thought I would have.

Im hurting. SO BAD.

No one knows in my family because 1. it was unplanned pregnancy and they will be disappointed if they found out and im only 23 and still studying and 2. I dont need any more drama more than what I am facing now.

My partner has been supportive however there are moments we could have ended up breaking up because everything was going downhill and he was having the hardest time to understand me and where Im coming from. I dont blame him though-- I am too much most of the time.

Yesterday, I was just at the emergency from panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Thankfully I didnt have to get admitted otherwise it would've been my 3rd admission in a psych ward and I dont want that.

I've got essays that are due next week and the following week and I havent started any of them(though I refuse to take a break because that was what I had to do last year when I was very sick from traume and etc). Mentally, I know im not coping very well at the moment. Havent been eating well too.

Any advice or just encouragement would be nice to hear.

Thank you.

L

[Quercus]

Hello Ardenrose,

I've no idea where to begin, there is so much happening in your life at the moment it sounds totally overwhelming. It might not mean much from a stranger but I am sorry to hear about your loss. Even more so that you seem to be mostly alone trying to cope.

It's understandable to want to power through with your studies but sometimes your body and mind does need time and rest. Is it ok if I ask what distresses you about the idea of needing to be in hospital? It might not be such a bad idea if you are struggling and not eating.

Do you see anyone for counselling or therapy? It must have been so difficult to face the potential breakdown of your relationship at a time you needed your partner's support more than ever. Have these problems improved?

Hope you feel able to let us know how you're holding up if and when you feel ready. No pressure though, at this time it's absolutely ok to do whatever feels helpful to you.

❤Nat

[Ardenrose]

Hi Nat,

Thank you so much for your reply. Today's been abit better than the time I wrote my post. Me and partner were able to speak about things and has helped me ever since then. I do pray it stays like that especially at this season of my life..

I guess what really stops me from going back to the hospital is because I can do better. And I know that I can get through this without having to admit myself. This is why I am trying my hardest. even if it means crying for hours to let all the pain out.

I have an appointment with the hospital on Thursday to see how Im going. It's a good thing, I guess. I am also trying to catch up with my studies while I still feel better because, God who knows when's the next time I'm gonna break down again.

I do see a counsellor however she is on a leave, I'll try and contact her and book an appointment. Right now having my partner and this forum full of amazing people that cares, is what somewhat keeps me going.

Thank you again Nat. 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi Ardenrose,

I'm glad to hear today was a little better.

I like how you made the most of a bright moment to get some work done. It isn't easy to make the effort at times but hopefully that has helped you feel less pressured by your studies.

So good to hear you've been able to talk to your partner.

Does your counsellor work alone or would it be possible to see another counselor with access to your records?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to manage without being hospitalised. Do you have a good idea of how to recognise signs within yourself when things are getting too much to manage alone?

Hoping that you can find even moments where you feel ok.

Nat