in my mind, im almost identical to my brother and i hate it. my brother is cool and all, but for so long i have put up this character of being a dominating person, which he is definitely not, and it feels so obscure and depressing to think that im not who i thought i was. i so badly dont want to be that. i start to cringe any time im around him and he does anything at all.
i only noticed how alike i am to him last time i was smoking weed. were born about 9 years apart, and if you were to compare photos of us side by side the only differences would be his absurdly long hair and my progressive weight loss. i just stared at myself in the mirror and started to dissect how different i am to every single person i'm around. im a lot like my brother when im around my parents, especially my dad. i cant stand being like him when im around my friends, especially girls. i have to keep up the, what now feels like, an act.
the thing is the act is different around every single person i am around. im going insane just interracting with people and closely judging myself from the inside, what i now think is the true central me.
i cant figure out who i am or how i truly feel or react to anything. i dont think im quite numb but it definitely feels like im headed that way.
im popular, but have no real friends. i got to parties, but i dont hang out with people, not even in larger groups. my attitudes seem to be so inconsitent that i manage to push people away, or at least keep them on the edge of close friend and equentance to protect my self from people learning who i really am. i spend my time listening to music in my room, engaging in very long isolated exercise sessions, or staying up late to avoid contact with anyone.
i just needed to tell someone. i could go through and make this easier to read, even make it more accurate to my experiences and thoughts, but whats the point.
