Massively struggling right now

[Rbilsy15]

I am a teacher who is dealing with anxiety and depression from starting a new job a term ago. I came in with little handover at a busy time of the year. Each week something new is brought up which I am expected to learn. I have told my line manager that I am struggling and not sure where to prioritise my time and it has lead to little support. I feel worthless in my role and I am not having any joy for teaching anymore. I have been teaching for 10 years and this is the first time I have felt like this and it is worrying. I struggle to get up in the morning and spend most of my nights planning and trying to solve my issues with zero success. Each day is a stuggle to get through. I am seeing a councillor and have taken many mental health days where I have seen my doctor and he is at the point of prescribing anti depressants.

Today I had a meeting with my line manager and principal with the sole intention of expressing my thoughts and feelings and desire to give my two week notice. As predicted they tried to keep me by saying everything I have been doing is great and I am a valued member. Sadly I caved in my decision which has made me feel worse that I have put their needs and the school needs ahead of my own mental health. The I am the second teacher already for the class this year as the first one left on maternity and I can understand they don't want to have to go through it again but I shouldn't worry about that as much as i should. I hate confrontation and fear I will always give in to what someone else wants instead of looking out for myself.

They don't see how much I struggle at home and alone in the classroom. I know I am not doing the best job I can as I have lost that passion. I fear how dark some of my thoughts are getting. I wish for a reason to not go in like a sporting injury or someone hits my car. Nothing I am responsible for but it saves me from having to face my issues. I don't know what the answer is and almost need someone to be there and push me into it so I don't back out.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I have an accurate idea of how you feel. Not only the stresses of work and mental health issues but my daughter has been a teacher, also her passion, and was for 3 years then bamm!. Like you she couldn't handle the pressure. As well other teachers couldn't either so they palmed off onto her some of their workload knowing she was new, young and a soft touch. The result was a mental collapse. She hasn't recovered indeed, has just spent a stint in a mental hospital facility. She is "getting there" with the long term goal of relief teaching but I'm almost certain no doctor will approve that for her. That's the problem with your type of injury- PTSD, anxiety and depression is like a scar that never heals.

I think it depends if you can survive without work financially as well. If so I wouldn't hesitate but like you, if they really want me to stay I suppose if there is changes to really reduce the stress that might work. However, when I ran my own business I reduced my working days from 6 down to 3. Initially I thought that would be wonderful but the novelty wore off because the days I did attend work were full of pressure and soon after my mental stability began to wain. What followed was 2 psychotic events. So I'm highlighting the risks. As I said the changes to your workload would need to be significant and I'm sorry if I sound negative but it isn't likely.

Keep in touch with your GP. Take whatever meds he/she prescribes and get lots of weekend rest.

links useful for you-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X30sWycWz4o

many other youtube videos of Maharaji are available

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

I hope they help, in fact we have quite a library here in the search bar on any mental health topic.

Repost anytime. TonyWK

[Rbilsy15]

Hello and thank you for the reply,

I am becoming worried that I am going to lose the joy of teaching that I had. It has now become a nightly stress which is effecting so many parts of my life. As with my conversation with the principal today, I knew they would offer me some sort of support to convince me to stay and after giving in i realised that it will not be helpful in any way. When they left I felt guilty and disappointed with myself that I gave up so easily. The idea of letting someone down and confronting them with my needs gives me anxiety.

I find that I am struggling to get up in the morning and find the purpose to get in the car and travel to work. I mentioned that when I am teaching I feel fine but honestly I think it is a distraction from my problems and I can't share my emotions with the children as it is not fair on them. I am scared as to how far i can continue to push myself for other peoples benefits without reaching breaking point.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Rbilsy15,

I'm sorry your struggling & I get the not wanting to let people down. Your own health is important & you are not being selfish to prioritize that. Your getting professional step is a good first step. It sounds as though you want to keep on teaching, but not having support is the issue.

I think a good starting point would be to write down exactly what support you would need & how you would like it to be provided. Try to think of a variety of options if you can & make it in an ideal world & what you would consider minimal support. At this point don't worry about if the school can or will, just write what you need. Take your time doing this even if you do it over a few days.

Once you have this, you can then decide if you think getting the support would help you to continue or if you need to take a break from teaching. It also gives you something you can take to the school to give them a clear idea of the support they would have to provide to enable you to stay. If they can't provide at least the minimum, then you can leave with the knowledge you did everything you could to make it work. If they offer the needed support, you can still make your staying dependent on your health improving. Also you don't have to attend the meeting with the school alone, it is quite acceptable for you to have a family member or friend to be there as your support person. I have done this in the past & would again if I felt I needed too.

I hope this gives you some ideas & remember we are here to listen.

Take care

Paw Prints

[white knight]

Hi Rb

Paw prints has given some additional advice.

Mental illness takes work to get results. As Paw Prints made mention, your health is of more importance than others filling in their teacher gaps.

There is no other way but to have another meeting and make your needs clear. Yes you'll get anxious about that but life has to continue on with some long term remedies from professional medical people and the thread links listed.

TonyWK

[Rbilsy15]

Thank you both for the reply.

I was able to have another meeting with my Principal this morning. i went in with the aim of fully resigning and again it did not go the way I envisioned. Again she was listening to how I was feeling and gave some options for support. I reluctanctly accepted and again the moment I left the room I felt horrible that I had put the school above my own mental health needs. I struggle to stand up to myself fully and stick to my guns. I was close to breaking down in this meeting and she could see how much I was struggling and mentioned this. What upset me was that the meeting was at the beginning of the day and not once was there any follow up on their behalf the rest of the day. It seemed like I went from being important and them caring about me to being alone and isolated straight away. I have felt like this for a while at the school and know I need to leave but can't do it due to my own lack in confidence and standing up for myself. I am getting worried that I will need to do some drastic for this to happen and am worried for myself and those around me. I would love someone close by to come in and stand up for me on my behalf but I don't have access to anyone like that at the moment.

I am honestly stuck with what I should do. Part of me wants to send an email with my full resignation and two weeks notice and then suffer the consequences. I'd rather not even turn up and take being fired as an option at this point to help myself.