How do you truly change and become a happy person?

[josh88]

Hi, like most people posting on here my life is in the pits. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety around 10 years ago.

Since then, I’ve seen around 8 different psychologists, 2 psychiatrists, and have been on 7 different medications.

After getting all the tools and knowledge I need to understand my illness and what healthy ways of thinking look like, why can’t I change?

Little, insignificant things annoy the hell out of me in an unhealthy way. I am a sad, negative person to be around. I’m moody and angry at the world. I know all of this and I am disgusted in myself, yet despite all of that I can’t change.

I’m stuck being this sad, miserable person. I see happy people all of the time and I would do anything to be like them and to see things in a different light.

All I see is the darkness and I’m about to lose my wife and kids because they don’t want to live like I do.

What does it take to truly change? Taking a medication or seeing a psychologist to tell me what depression is for the 20th time isn’t working.

Has anyone else been at this point where nothing works after so long? What did you do?

[Quercus]

Hi Josh88 and welcome,

Reading your post one sentence jumped out to me immediately...

I’m about to lose my wife and kids because they don’t want to live like I do.

The idea of needing to change quickly or lose your family sounds terrifying to me. Has your wife told you that she needs you to change or she will leave or is it more a feeling you have that has made seeing results quickly a priority?

The idea of changing yourself or being happier or more positive is such a difficult one. It puts massive pressure on you and is very vague.

I wonder if you have considered how would you measure any change? For example when you wrote that your family don't want to live as you do what do they need to change?

I have struggled with feeling like I'm not improving. This year hubby and I have argued a lot because he wants me to be more stable and happier and I have been too exhausted to care about performing for anyone.

What has helped is setting realistic goals. For example my husband saying he wants me to be happier is too vague and I had no idea how to do this so it felt hopeless.

But if he tells me specific things he needs at a minimum I can focus on meeting those needs. It might be something small such as making sure to give him a hug and say hello when he gets home. Do you think this is worth a try?

You sound so frustrated and that makes total sense. It is frustrating when nothing feels like it is helping. Feeling angry at the world is something I relate to. My psychiatrist told me anger can be another symptom of depression. It feels awful and I'm truly sorry to hear you're not feeling any relief with the treatments so far.

I'm a bit overwhelmed and found it hard to to reply to everything in your post at the moment, I hope you are able to return and write again but no pressure here. If and when you feel like writing an update I'll be interested to hear how you are holding up.

Nat

[white knight]

Hi Josh, welcome

I wont ask the same important questions Nat has asked, but I'll wait for your answers to those.

I want to centre of how to be positive and be a happier person. The reason is simple- up till 1983 I was a negative soul from a negative family. Then in 30 minutes my life changed. I attended a motivation lecture and learned there and then about how to look at a glass half full rather than half empty.

Although that experience was the catalyst, much mental determination was required to change the way I thought when a situation arrived that found me being defeatist. But over time being positive became natural and now I recognize a negative person immediately.

So, how do we change? We cannot rely just on our own drive, we must actively pursue methods and peoples teachings to do so.

I'm not religious neither is Prem Rawat also called "Maharaji". He has many videos on YouTube that have really changed my life. A wise man, at 9yo he guided a village in how to cellibrate an elders passing rather than grieve, at 13yo was on TV and now travels the world.

Google

YouTube Maharaji sunset

YouTube Maharaji the perfect instrument

Beyondblue topic he helped me for 25 years- maharaji

The next step is fun. With the hustle and bustle of life nowadays we forget that we need to be proactive in seeking fun, something to look forward to say at the weekends. We can do this two ways- planned and spontaneous. Planning the movies (preferable comedy) is one idea, camping is a low cost option and kids love it. It doesn't have to be for the whole weekend, even overnight. Gee, I even found a national park 90 minutes from Melbourne that was empty of people. We use a caravan, kids love that also. All the laughs they will have?

Finally Josh, let me say this. My marriage fell apart when my kids were 7 and 4yo. I made a suicide attempt one week prior to walking out due mainly to emotional abuse. I remember saying to myself "better to be a part time dad, than no dad at all. Then 20 years later my daughter was getting married and I walked her down the aisle. I thought- "who would have done this deed had I not been here?"

We can never under value our fatherhood. Worse comes to worse we need to keep ourselves together and plough on ahead.

We will be here if and when that need arises but now, right now, positive thinking has to be achieved.

Beyondblue topic 30 minutes can change your life

TonyWK

[josh88]

Hi Nat,

Thanks for your message. I really appreciate it.

My wife has been really kind in her approach but has told me that she is at the stage where she can’t remain in a relationship with someone who is so unhappy.

She also believes that it is my responsibility to change and that she shouldn’t have to tell me how to do it. She has fundamental beliefs around helping yourself and taking ownership. For that reason, I feel like asking her to tell me measures would be somewhat seen as me offloading the responsibility onto her.

This makes it very difficult and vague as you mentioned. I honestly have no idea what change would look like. I’m so conditioned mentally to see things negatively and never see the kindness and good in things.

I can reflect and see all of this and how I should have approached or reacted to something, yet I’m unable to change it in the moment.

Last night we had a discussion about what tools I’m currently using to change.

I honestly couldn’t recall any of the tools I’ve been given. Meditation, CBT, Schema Therapy, it’s all a blur for me.

I am sure they all work for different people, I’m just at a loss in terms of where to for me and how to get small changes happening quickly.

Thanks again for listening.

[josh88]

I really appreciate the advice and for sharing your thoughts and experiences with this Tony.

Im going to watch the YouTube clips now.

i feel like I’m missing the catalyst. I have all of the knowledge I need, I just haven’t had the moment where I can see how I’m going to get to where I need to be.

how did you apply yourself and not give up? What was your self-talk to stick to change, rather than staying how you were?

[white knight]

Hi Josh, thanks for the questions, that's a good sign

Well that thread I suggested "30 minutes can change your life" during that 30 minutes the lecturer was pounding his fist on the table yelling at us "never ever ever give up" he yelled. It was so dramatic and loud that when ever I thought negatively, I'd think about him yelling at us.

This is significant because as children we can get yelled at and we comply, as adults we are rarely yelled at but we still need to learn so that process is interrupted because we aren't "forced" to comply. We have to rely on our own steam which is usually inadequate.

I know you have enough reading but it is also in the thread-

Beyondlbue topic never ever give up

Your wife, as I read it, seems staunch but I do understand her predicament. Trying to convert a person from a negative thinker to a positive one is hard to do as there is a significant amount of mind altering self motivation required. From what I've read, you are currently very inquizative about it and yes, you are right- action speak louder than words. I recall years ago I went to a counselor and she was asking me about something and I replied "I've been thinking about that for a while and I'll do it soon" to which she replied "Action speak louder than words" and it hit me, I am talking more than acting.

I think your wife might only change her views if you leapt outside of yourself for a few days or weeks, acted totally different to how you normally do. This isn't usually something I recommend as it is defying yourself of yourself, however, if you did that for a while- say- did some hiking or boating or fishing and tried hard to be positive, she might see the possibilities in her husband.

Then you could admit to her that your acting isn't 100% real but it is a sign of your capacity to change....if she is willing to give you chances.

Being positive is like existing in a wave. It wont stop the suicidal thoughts in some people but it will help lift them out of their grim existence quicker.

The important thing I haven't said is- your negative state of mind isn't your fault. We grow up with this, be it from family mentality or environmental reasons. It is our fault if it is pointed out and we do nothing.

You, are doing something.

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get"

TonyWK

[white knight]

Sory Josh

There is one other thing that could help you.

Beyondblue topic switching mindsets

It is a technique I dreamed up myself. It is, in effect, a method that when you think of not doing something, you then commence to physically do it without thinking. It is most effective if you get into the habit of doing the reverse of what your mind is telling you to do.

TonyWK

[josh88]

Hi Tony,

Thanks again for the tools that you have shared with me.

I agree that sometimes faking it until you make it can help to recondition the same old negative patterns. I think that is an important first step for me.

I often talk a lot at home about changing, but you are spot on, my actions say otherwise. I think that my wife just wants to see that i am capable of change.

I will continue to read the threads that you have provided, and have started watching the Maharaji youtube videos and really like them.

[Quercus]

Hi Josh88 and a wave to you too Tony 😊.

Reading all of your replies has been helpful to me too so thank you.

Josh you mentioned your wife wanting you to take responsibility and decide for yourself and wow that hit home. My husband jokes sometimes that I'm happier if someone else chooses the movie (his way of saying if it is left to me we won't watch anything because I seem to get so caught up in the choices I don't end up picking anything and go to bed instead).

What did you think of Tony's post about defying yourself and just doing something different? That has worked for me at times. Hubby is so shocked that I have taken the initiative to surprise him with something new and he always seems happier. For us that means going outdoors because when I feel unwell I don't want to leave our property. So taking him on a daytrip, bushwalk, or just somewhere new he realises is me pushing myself for him.

Thank you both for the reminder.

[therising]

Hi josh

Whether they're the words that lead us into depression or the ones that help take us out, words definitely shape us in so many ways. A lot of the time, they are what helps us identify our self (with us forming our identity through them).

I see Tony and Nat have offered great advice. They are such beautiful people. In regard to what they have mentioned, 2 particular words come to mind - Management and Recreation (aka Re-creation). Unfortunately, most of us aren't taught as kids how to manage our thoughts/words or how to consciously re-create our self, regarding our evolution. Weird when you think about it, how basic these 2 things are yet how much many of us humans are lacking in skill regarding them. Of course, our teachers (parents and other adults) can only teach us what they know.

The big question, 'How do we manage to recreate or re-form our self?' I believe 1st we need to identify who we want to be. Our list may look a little like this:

• I want to be creative, evolving, mentally healthy, physically healthy, a changer and challenger of my own personal beliefs (an eliminator of internal conflict, regarding opposing thoughts/beliefs). I want to be more active/energetic, more compassionate, more thoughtful and so on

Okay, now I'm going to touch on the 'I am' aspect of self (how we largely identify our self). I'll rephrase the previous list:

• I am creative, evolving, energetic, mentally healthy, physically healthy. I am a changer and challenger of my own personal beliefs. I am more active/energetic, more compassionate, more thoughtful than ever was before

As Tony and Nat mentioned, taking action is key. Action is what proves to our brain that our identity is 'real' to various degrees. If the proof is in the pudding, so to speak, we have to actively create that pudding.

I find that rephrasing words is also important when it comes to our identity. 'I am angry. I feel guilty. I am worthless' can be more productively defined as 'I am in conflict. I feel conflicted. I feel worth less than...'. 'Angry, guilty and worthless' are words that do not productively address conflict or sense of value.

When people accuse me of playing with words, my typical response is 'I much prefer to play with them than have them play with me'.

With 'happiness' being somewhat defined through internal chemistry and energy. 'I want to feel happy' can equal 'I want to feel chemistry and energy'. These are often a result of action. Motive is what pushes us to 'move it'.

Take care