make my thoughts stop......please

[bluestar]

I've had depression since i was 16 i'm now 36. i've had enough. i'm on anti depressants and seeing a great counsellor who trys so hard to help me and i just mess it up. I'm just so over it. i'm sick of feeling good not needed the drugs and help and than bang it hits and i want to give up. how much can a person take?? why cant i do and keep up with what my counsellor tells me it's like i'm scared of being happy actually i dont know what happy is and i dont feel like i deserve it. all my friends have their awesome realtionships and kids and i've got me and my mind in my room alone. i want to like myself and than maybe i might find a guy that likes me but it's sooooo  hard. Being younger was so much easier no boyfriends, no kids just your friends and fun times. 

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[Mares73]

Dear blustar thank you for your courage in reaching out to us. Here you will find understanding, compassion & support. Because we can all relate in one way or another to the symptoms of depression.  And some of the things you've  said are exactly things I've thought at one time or another. I can so much relate to your comments about not knowing what it's like to feel happy anymore, criticizing & blaming yourself & thinking you don't deserve to be happy. These are all common traits of what depression does to our thinking. You are being so critical of yourself but you have an illness & right now your having a really tough time of it. I may be wrong but you seem to be saying that you take medication until a depression episode eases up & then you stop taking them. Can I suggest that depression is a real roller coaster & we never can be sure when it will hit us-so taking medication regularly is also a good prevention strategy. And at times we need our medication reviewed especially if we've been on the same one a long time. Beating yourself up about not being able to follow your counselors advice is another symptom. One suggestion is if you would like to see a Gp who specializes in treating depression & are recommended by Beyond Blue-you can find a list under "getting support or help. Do you have any friends or family you can talk to? I know it's really tough & I'm often in the same position you describe ie living in my own head, feeling lonely & isolated yet at the same time the depression keeps me stuck in a rut where I feel I'm existing rather than living a decent life. I hope you can get back to us with a bit more about your situation. And remember we all care very much & understand the difficulties you have raised. Love Mares xx

[Violet_Eyes]

Hi Bluestar's hope your feeling better, I've been in the same position as you have at times & as painful as your mind feels like your alone & shut down what I would do is each day force & add something new in my day. For example crawl out of bed in the morning & make myself look super hot, then I would usually crawl back in my cave for the rest of the day, but the next day I would make myself look super hot again then go for a walk, even if it was to the shops just to buy cigarettes. Then the next day do the same but walk the block wearing sunglasses of course so I still felt invisible to the world. It helped me just to add one extra thing in my day which surprisingly worked for me until my mind broke out of that shell where you just shut down at times. I also changed my diet & looked on youtube for foods to help depression & also produce serotonin. I did relapse last week but now I'm back on track, I fully understand where your coming from & I hope this little message lifts your spirits up again.

[AGrace]

Hi bluestar,

I'm in a slightly similar predicament in that depression and mental ill health started for me when I was 15, I am now 34. The one thing I've realised with mental illness is recovery is not just applying a band aid. It's more of a lifestyle change.

If things with your counsellor are not working out perhaps it's time to seek some additional support? If your medications are not working effectively long term, perhaps having them reviewed. Have you ever seen a Psychologist or Psychiatrist? I only ask because if depression has been part of your life for such a long time then it can be considered chronic, and in my opinion most counsellors aren't necessarily equipped to deal with mental illness, they would usually refer you on to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist.

Getting back to the lifestyle change, it's hard work and it does require a lot of commitment. Often we can think when things are going well we don't have to try so hard anymore, but it's when things are going well that we have the mental capacity to try even harder. You may have considered all of these things before, but sometimes we have to do things a few time before they become a habit. There are some really good self help strategies in the thread SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION under the Depression section of the forums. A lot of these things need to be done every day, sometimes more than once a day to keep us functioning well.

Try not to compare yourself to your friends. I too haven't had children yet. But then my friends haven't had the same struggles as I have, who knows what's around the corner for you or your friends. I hope you do meet a man one day who knows exactly what you are worth, but your right, in the interim you need to learn to love and be comfortable with yourself.

AGrace