Not sure where to turn

[Mack_]

I have had severe depression for 14years or so, in the past year I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and am struggling to come to terms with it. It goes through phases where I can "normalize" myself but other times I crumble over the silliest and smallest of things. 

in the 14 years I've

suffered; I've gone through bulimia, anorexia, self- harm and OCD. I still sometimes struggle with SH, and that is when I know things are getting bad again. 

i work in quite a stressful environment, and really have to stop myself from getting angry or crying at work. I just feel so angry and worthless. I don't know if I should attempt to change jobs to something less stressful where every decision is on me (this thought creates

anxiety attacks thinking of change..) or do I just reduce my hours? If I reduce my hours I then worry about the financial stress of doing so?! 

im torn with what to do, today is particularly

bad. I'm stressed, tired, angry, dissociated. I struggle to pay for psychological help, and am currently medicated. 

Apologies if this makes no sense, venting and hoping it will for someone and they can guide me. In some way or another? 

Thanks in advance. 

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[HA1]

Hi Mack 

Welcome to the BB forum & thanks for reaching out to us. That in itself is an important step in the right direction.  It's the place to vent your angst and frustration and to seek support from others who suffer like you.

it really does sound like you have been through a rough time over the last 14 years. I assume that you are receiving support from health professionals, and if that is the case how often do you speak with them?  I also wonder if there was a specific trigger 14 years ago for your depression?

You say that you are in a highly stressful environment - how long have you been doing this work?  Why I am asking is that, in my case, I know that it would not be healthy for me to work in such an environment.  It would only exacerbate my depression and anxiety.  Have you spoken to your psych and GP about this? You should.

Can you please get back to us and let us know that you are OK.  There are many here who would like to share their understanding with you.

take care

K

[Mack_]

Thankyou for your response. It's amazing how someone whom you don't even know can take some of the weight of the world off your shoulders.. so thankyou.I'm currently not receiving any psychological help. I'm just taking my medication and hoping for the best. I don't really open up to my partner or family as i don't want them to worry, and usually I don't have the words to actually explain how I'm feeling - quite frustrating. I don't have a specific thing that triggered my mental health 14 years ago. My family and I moved from a small town to a city, I guess I mustn't have coped well with that. I remember when we first moved here, I was quite frightened to sleep most nights for a year because I thought someone would break in to our house - wasn't used to such a big city and not knowing anyone. I also didn't cope well with puberty and maturing in to a woman for some reason. I have always been a mature person, and gotten along with adults rather than children but really hated evolving in to a woman - it was always supported by my family so i don't know where that fear came from. I've always struggled with my body image for as long as I remember too, it was just from the age 10 that, that happened. I remember being around 5 and being self conscious - ex dancer...I work 40 hours a week and really struggle with receiving help from anyone outside of normal hours. My boss doesn't really ''believe'' in mental health issues so it's hard to justify taking an hour off to see a specialist. I've been in my job for 7 years, since leaving school it's all I've done and all I know. I think I need to change work environments to something less stressful, but the fear of change and not being good at my next job or not enjoying it really makes me panic.. I think I just have to believe it will be better, and suck it up!! Thankyou again for your response, you've made my day.Hope you're doing well.

[HA1]

Hey Mack!

Thanks for getting back to us ...... that's really good.

We are all here to listen, to share and to (sometimes) just vent!  It is good to get our thoughts and other concerns off our chest (our mind?).  It makes you feel a little better.

I am a little concerned that you have not yet spoken to a psychologist.  Any particular reason, and what does your GP think about this?  I guess you would know that your GP can prepare a mental health plan for you that will give you 10 free visits to the psych.  Its worth it (in my view).  

It is OK to be a little selfish when you suffer from a mental health illness.  It is important for recovery that you focus on you and on the steps/measures you need to take to ensure that you are on the right path.

Also, you say that you don't share with your partner or family.  I understand that this is often difficult, but I think it is probably something that you should give a bit of thought.  I also don't always know how to explain how I feel, and don't want to worry my partner or family unnecessarily.  However, I tend to share as much as I can, or that I think is reasonable for them to absorb. Especially with my partner, it is important to share.  Because otherwise there is risk that you isolate them - and that is not good (my experience).

There are a number of other issues that you have raised that warrant a discussion, but I think I'll leave them for another time.  

I'll look forward to hearing back from you.

Take care

K

[Mack_]

The main reason I haven't seen my psychologist is because I can't find the time with work being how it is, also I have a bitter feeling because I stopped going back a year ago and they never contacted me to see if I was ok so I figured I was just paying her to care anyway- extremely stupid and selfish! 

My partner is extremely understanding but he definitely gets worried, especially if Ive harmed - understandably. It doesn't happen often anymore but there are definitely moments I lock myself away so I don't do something stupid. I just hate people worrying, especially since I know the truth of my feelings and no one knows the extent or extremity of how I feel at times. I worry I'll get sent to a psych ward, or people will know how unstable I am. It's all very confusing at the moment, I'm not sure what is triggering all these feelings. Today I could hardly walk because my legs and body kept shaking from anxiety. It's all very weird. 

[HA1]

OK - I understand better now how you feel.

I agree it is very disappointing to not receive a call back from your psych.  Not very caring.  But, have you checked out the health practitioners on the BB site? Go to the top of page and click on 'get support'.  You can search for mental health practitioners in your local area - these are professionals that are apparently endorsed by BB.   You might be able to find one that accepts after hours appointments so it does not clash with your working hours - what do you think?

I started my recovery in the psych ward of a hospital.  I have no regrets.  It got me started on the healing process.

Have you considered talking to your local community mental health unit?  I found them to be exceptionally good and caring.  In NSW you can make an appointment there with all types of mental health professionals.  Or you can just call them and have a chat.  I have - and guess what, they follow up for several days (or weeks) afterwards!

good to see you talking with us on this forum - it is a real little community.

take care

K

[Mack_]

I haven't looked at the health practitioners on the BB website, will definitely do so now though - Thankyou. I know I definitely need to just bite the bullet and make time for helping myself - what's the worst that can happen.. get judged for need help? 

I don't think I'm ready to go to a psych ward, scares me.

Thankyou for your help. I'm sure I'll be writing on here and helping others often on this website.